October 12, 2010

The Sixteenth Day

"Here's a secret: Everyone, if they live long enough, will lose their way at some point. 
You will lose your way, you will wake up one morning and find yourself lost. 
This is a hard, simple truth. If it hasn't happened to you yet, consider yourself lucky. 

One day I'll tell my daughter a story about a dark time, the dark days before she was born, 
and how her coming was a ray of light. 
We got lost for a while, the story will begin, but then we found our way." 

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Ugh- can I say everything in my life right now? The first half of this year was so fast-paced and full of newness- my marriage, the birth of my daughter, a move to a new apartment. But then, something snapped. I guess things began to unravel.

Amelia got colicky- sounds like such a little thing. What an inadequate word. The dictionary states, "2. A condition of unknown cause seen in infants less than three months old, marked by periods of inconsolable crying lasting for hours at a time for at least three weeks." What is it really like? She cries and cries and cries. She cries after you hold her fifty different ways, cries after you rock her, cries when she's done eating, and cries when you change her. She cries for hours when it's time for bed, and you watch the hands on the clock spin around and around. Not whimpers- loud, strong cries. You try anything and everything, over and over, wonder how long this is going to last, and end up sitting next to her in a puddle of your own tears, completely frustrated and worn out. You don't think you can take another day like this, but you know tomorrow could be better- or could be worse. And you feel like a horrible mother for not being able to hush her, to calm her into happiness.

Then there's my back pain. It's been pretty bad ever since I came home from the hospital, centered around the spot that my epidural was given. Lately, it's spread all over my back and hips. So trying to pick up my crying daughter has gotten more and more painful. I was given muscle relaxers, which have helped somewhat- but that means pumping and dumping, and giving her formula until I'm not on them anymore- something I really don't want to do yet. They also make me incredibly sleepy, so that plus the lack of sleep from her makes me feel like a zombie all day. (Side note: When people say "sleep when the baby sleeps", they probably haven't had a baby. My baby requires constant rocking or bouncing to sleep, which makes it impossible to nap at the same time she does.)

There are other worries, big and small, that I can't get into on this blog, but they've shaken my faith in things I thought were unshakable. I'm so disappointed and sad about it, and bitter that I am dealing with those on top of everything else.

Okay. I have sufficiently whined enough for one day! Hopefully, tomorrow is better.

4 kind comments from you:

Goodnight moon said...

I absolutely LOVE that quote!!!!! Love love love it!!!!!

Okay...and I wish I could come over and let you take a nap so I could hold your crying baby. I'm so sorry girlie!!!!!! Maybe just blast some classial music to drown out her crying? I feel for you girl! Can they do anything for your back pain?!?!? That worries me for you! Gesh...when it rains it pours...just put your umbrella up and rainboots on...you will get through this storm!


____j said...

She's beautiful!

My nephew had colick. It almost drove my sister insane. I think she tried just about everything but nothing ever really worked. Eventually he just grew out of it.

I hope you get some peace and quiet soon!

Wife on the Roller Coaster said...

I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time. I remember when my son was colicky, and I just cried and cried as I rocked him because I felt so helpless and tired and frustrated. And you should tell the doc about that back pain, especially if it's around the spot where your epidural was.

Take care of yourself. You're doing a great job as a new mom! Hang in there.

Dolli-Mama said...

I completely agree that people who say "sleep when the baby sleeps" have not had a baby. My babies sleep in the car, and I'm pretty sure it's a bad idea to nod off while driving.

Not being able to help your child, to fix whatever is wrong and make it all better is THE hardest part of parenting. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It will get better at some point.

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