Debt

"I sincerely believe that banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies." 

— Thomas Jefferson

We just bought a mattress. It wasn't a big deal because the one we had was older and my pregnant self needs all the padding I can get. It was a big deal because we didn't put it on a credit card, or finance it for 24 months. I walked into the store, handed them my debit card, and didn't feel that sick-to-my-stomach feeling when I have to buy something I know we "need" but can't afford. I slept wonderfully on that bed last night, and the biggest part of that was knowing it wasn't bought with borrowed money. We did it.

Sky and I are nearly out of debt completely. We started this year the way we have started so many others- with a hefty credit card payment, military debt, and Sky's student loan. We had a small savings started from last year's tax refund, but Sky's pay issues with this school wiped that out in a heartbeat.

I always hated when the experts tell you how simple it all is. Just cut out that daily Starbucks! Go out to eat less! Get a cheaper car! If that's where someone is at in life, then those are all great suggestions. But when Starbucks is a once or twice a year treat- not daily- and we rarely went out to eat, and the older, small car Sky paid cash for after deployment couldn't get any cheaper, then those things just don't apply to our circumstances. Cutting out our landline? Um...I haven't had a landline since circa 2002. Take lunches to work? Sky works weird shifts so he doesn't even eat at work most of the time, and Millie and I are at home. I'm not knocking the experts- I know there are a thousand financial gurus out there who are very wise, but their advice was a little out of reach for our family.

What works for us to save money are these things: we make our own laundry soap. We don't have cable, and either watch local TV with an antenna, or watch things online (and there are so many shows available online, I'm not sure that cable is really worth it). Every time our internet bill goes up (and it randomly does about once a year), I call the company and explain to their retention department we could pay less elsewhere, so they need to figure out if they want our business (I just did this with Comcast- they raised our bill to over $70 a month, but lowered it to $29 a month when I called). We eat leftovers, we cook more, and on the rare occasions we do go out, we can save a significant amount just by ordering water to drink. We shop at Goodwill, Salvation Army, and garage sales for clothes and some household things, and have a pretty nice, name brand wardrobe for pennies of what it would cost at the original stores. We use microfiber towels to clean instead of paper towels. I don't feel like we are unwise with our money, honestly. These are things that we could easily do in our situation, and they make a big difference when added up.

 I closed the credit card years ago, but it paid for a major change in my life when my first marriage ended and I found myself moving back to Illinois. Moving is expensive. Getting a new job with business clothes when my former job required scrubs was expensive but needed. I don't see any of those things as a wild, fun shopping spree on shoes, but as something necessary because I didn't have the savings. We paid the minimum on our credit card- although, a higher minimum that we worked out with the credit card company to keep our interest from raising. We paid on Sky's military debt because it's automatic, so there was no option. All his drill pay, minus about the cost of gas money to drive to the armory, went straight to debt before we ever saw it- and had he not been in school and getting active duty pay during this time, it would have taken us several years to pay it off. We paid on his student loan because it's a very small monthly payment. And like millions of others, we lived paycheck to paycheck, and sometimes barely that. There was no 'snowballing' our debt because we didn't have the choice but to pay on all of them at once. If we would have had the choice, there is no way I would have chosen the smallest debt to feel like I accomplished something. I wanted it all gone, and fast, and I wanted to pay those companies as little interest as possible.

And now, armed with our tax refund, we have paid off the credit card completely. We'll have also paid off his military debt completely on his next paycheck. At one point- even at this time last year-, these things combined were not just $1000 or $2000- we were a good ways into double digit territory. It may not seem like a big deal to send that final payment in for some people, but it felt insurmountable to us, so it was huge.

Most of our tax money has gone straight to debt since we've been married. It's a very un-fun way to use it, but we knew it was the only way for us to climb out of the hole, and now we're almost there. Our hope is to keep using refunds in a similar way- to build up our savings so when we need a new(er) car, our loan will be smaller or nothing. We're not starting out with this baby with much more income, but we are starting out with nearly no debt compared to when we had Millie, and that makes me feel like we've accomplished something important.

I know we're not supposed to talk about money, but it's a huge problem for many of us, so I wrote this to encourage everyone who is in our shoes. When you barely break even, sending in extra payments or going without things you never had to begin with just aren't possible. It's been a years-long process for us, and it's put a lot of stress on our family, so I know how impossible it can feel. I think people get into debt for various reasons- medical bills, emergencies, and even 50 unnecessary trips to Target- but circumstances are so different that there isn't a one-size-fits-all solution, in my opinion. Maybe you pay it off slowly but surely. Maybe you pay it off in large chunks. I think the point should be paying it off as quickly as possible, not the road it takes to get there. And I'm proof that you really can get there.

The Catch-Up Post

What a week it has been. So many things have happened and will happen soon, I hardly know where to start. I feel like I usually write about the small pieces of our lives...so here is an update on the larger parts.

I begin a new job tomorrow. It's a small job, but it could be so helpful to our family if it works out. I'll blog more on it later. It's definitely good news, but I happened to find out on Monday that I had strep throat. The antibiotic they gave me was a lot harder to handle than the strep, and I'm just praying I feel well tomorrow.

We've gotten interesting military news lately. Sky was told, after months of hoping otherwise, that he'll still owe the Army thousands of dollars- because he left the Guard for a failed PT run (by a measly 17 seconds, by the way), they say he technically broke his contract even though he reenlisted right away in the Reserves. It's complicated, and nonsense in my opinion, but my opinion doesn't matter to the Army. Because of this, we don't even see most of his drill pay. The good news is that he recently discovered he is still being payed as a single soldier with no dependents even though I registered in DEERs as soon as we got married. When/if they ever correct this, he should have some back pay coming, and even if that all goes to his Army debt, it's still a good thing.

Anyhow, it makes his upcoming PT test all the more important. He has it in a couple weeks, and needs to pass it all. The second he told me when it was, I knew my head would be swimming until it's over. This PT test means staying in the Reserves, going to AT soon, going to his new MOS school later this year, etc. It's everything. (If you pray, please keep this in your prayers.)

Also military related, there has been a lot of feathers ruffled in the milspouse blogging world this week. While I still don't understand why, I know that I've had to distance myself from a couple people. It hurt- a lot, actually. I'm not practiced at conflict like that. But other friendships have grown even stronger through it, and I appreciate all the kind comments, emails, and Facebook messages I've gotten from you all. I spent the first part of the week in tears, but I'm trying to wrap the week up knowing I have amazing friends, even though some of them are scattered all over the country. That's one of the best things about blogging.

And finally, school still hasn't happened. After armfuls of paperwork, I was awarded a Pell grant- for the spring semester, which has already ended. I had to fill out everything all over again for summer classes, and haven't gotten any news back yet. I've done all I can do on my end, and it's frustrating being at the mercy of this college.

This post has sounded really low, and honestly, that's just how life's been lately. But there are good things, too- there always are.

My dad brought over cough drops for me, as well as some beautiful Gerber daisies and what he liked calling "clearance cake". Feeling bad physically and emotionally, it was just what the doctor ordered. Thanks, Dad.

The other good thing? Millie, of course. Her vocabulary is growing too fast for me to keep up, and she's parroting everything we say. I love our conversations and the silliness she brings to my days. I am so very thankful for that sweet baby.

So that's that. What a long post! If you made it to the end, thanks for sticking with me. How about I make it up to you with some free business cards or delicious cake? 

And speaking of making it up to you- I reached 200 likes on my Facebook page, so I'll be celebrating with a giveaway of my own after these have finished. I've been finding little things to add to it for weeks, so I'm pretty excited about it!

Perspective

This is what the last week has looked like for us. Sky's cough hasn't gotten any better, and Millie has been getting worse. High fevers, crying spells, and not much movement except from crib to couch to crib again- it's been a long several days. The more I thought about it, the more angry I felt. The doctor who had brushed Millie's illness of as a little cold had to have been joking.

Because of where we are financially, it's hard to find a doctor who will see us. Most would rather take a patient with good insurance that pays much and pays quickly. And often when we are seen, there is a definite difference in care- I can say this because I worked at the hospital before I had Millie, and know what goes on behind the scenes and what is said about people like us. And though I don't like to admit it, I can feel a chip on my shoulder start to form the moment I walk into the office, to be honest with you. It's frustrating.

And I found myself in tears tonight- that Millie's been sick this much, and that there hasn't been anything done about it. I was angry that x-rays hadn't been done or lab tests run. I wanted to call the doctor and tell them, "If it's just a little cold, you comfort her when she's listless or sobbing because she feels so miserable." I can't explain the feeling of wanting to protect your baby, but it's stronger than any feeling I've ever felt in my life.

As I was beginning to write this post, I turned the TV off, and it was it that moment that it actually sank in what I had just heard in the background.

I had been watching a show that was talking about life in the slums of India. It showed a family of five living in a single room smaller than Millie's bedroom. They all slept on the concrete floor, shared a makeshift "shower" (an un-lit closet and a bucket) and bathroom with the sixty some odd people living in their immediate area. They spent 1/3 of their $200 monthly paycheck just paying for their daughters' education. The father began to cry because he could not do all he wanted to do for his family. He was asked if he was happy. "Not happy," he said.

I'm going to take Millie back to the doctor tomorrow. I am going to ask for all the things that should have already been done but weren't. I'm going to tell them I'm worried. And yet, after seeing the piece on that family, I am going to ask for it much more gently than I planned to before. I will not ask out of entitlement.

God has a unbelievable way of putting things in perspective.

Goodwill Hunting

Browsing through the clothing racks at Goodwill is hardly a novel idea. I've seen lots of bloggers do it, and I've been shopping there ever since I can remember. I remember having some mixed feelings about it in high school- I would think to myself, "This vintage t-shirt is so cool because it's unique, but I hope no one knows I bought it for $1.99 at Goodwill." 

Nowadays? I would wear a t-shirt proclaiming "I BOUGHT THIS FOR $1.99 AT GOODWILL!" I don't care! I'm proud of any way I can save money, and usually just wonder how people are able to stomach paying full price for anything.

Our town's Goodwill used to be located quite literally next door to my high school. It was small, cramped, and full of 80s prom dresses (which always entertained me). But in the past year, it moved into a much larger space, which means more things to browse and more room to breathe. I was finally able to visit, and I'm pretty pleased with the results.

(I apologize for the horrible photos.)

For just a little over $20.00, we were able to buy five shirts for me, two shirts for Sky, and an outfit for Millie. Just one of these things alone would have cost $20.00!

Green sweater- Forever Twenty One
Yellow plaid shirt- Mossimo
Grey tunic sweater- Free People
Blue striped sweater- Old Navy
Red loose tee- American Eagle

Top plaid shirt- Basic Editions
Bottom plaid shirt- Levi's
Long sleeve romper- Carter's

The only downside to Goodwill shopping? It makes me wish summer would get here quickly, because garage sale season is the best shopping season!

The Reserve Situation

 I will never accept defeat. I will never quit.

-Soldier's Creed

We had hoped for the best with this new Army Reserve situation. Turns out, "the best" wasn't exactly in the cards...(If you're new to the blog, you can read the last few posts in {history} to catch up.)

After sitting down with Sky and filling out even more paperwork, he was told he'll have to do the much shorter Reserve school. In fact, it will only be 8 weeks long. Even worse, it will be broken up into 2 week increments, and spread out through months- this means we'll have to worry about the lag from civilian to military paychecks the way we did during the flooding last spring- only this time, we'll have to worry four times over. His first school won't even start until the summertime (and the following dates, through months of the fall), which means the promotion that had been discussed won't happen for at least a year, because he can't get promoted until he's MOS qualified- he was infantry in the National Guard, but the Reserves don't have infantry.

The huge, mean kicker in the whole thing? We just found out the Guard is making Sky pay back the remainder of his enlistment bonus (paid to him years ago, of course)- thousands of dollars that will be taken out of his drill pay, AT pay, school pay, and quite probably, our income tax refunds (and they're probably doing the same to most of his unit, whom they also decided to let go). The whole thing has me wondering why I placed any hope in the military- it's pretty laughable, really. Bad luck has taken on a whole new meaning.

It means a lot of things for us. Obviously, no longer school means no bigger paycheck. That means our debts will stick around (and like I mentioned, we now have a substantial new one), and it means big decisions on everything from paying for my root canal, to having a second baby, to just about everything, really. Of course, the bright side of it is that Sky will only be gone for short amounts of time- we've done 2 weeks apart several times in the past. And then again, there's a deployment ahead that he hopes to volunteer for because the money isn't coming from the school. I keep going back and forth on pros and cons, and it's a bit dizzying.

For now, things will be mostly the same as they have been. Sky will drill once a month and work his civilian job. I will be home with Millie, mothering and doing the household chores. I'll heat up his lunches every day and we'll peek in the dim room of our sweet, sleeping girl every night. We'll continue to live carefully, frugally, and hope that if 2012 isn't our year, maybe 2013 or 2014 will be. Time has a way of making sense backwards, and maybe this will down the road, or maybe it never will at all. Wherever we're destined to go in this roller-coaster life, I know we'll get there.

Eventually, we'll get there.

The Rescue

I was driving along a country road on a gray winter's day. The wind was biting, and I felt the old pick up start to drift towards the side of the road and into the cornfield harvested months before. I began pulling at the steering wheel harder and harder, throwing the weight of my body into the turns, but no matter what I did, the truck accelerated and veered closer to the vast fields, farmhouses, and tractors. I felt my mouth form into a scream, but it sound so muffled, and I knew no one could hear me.

And then, I felt warm arms wrap around me. Sky whispered, "Are you okay?" I said yes before realizing I was in a pitch black bedroom underneath soft sheets, and not reeling towards doom. I let out a breath and tried to focus on the shape of the ceiling fan as my heartbeat slowed. Sky was next to me. I was safe.

It's the kind of rescue I didn't think possible a year ago. In some ways it seems like more than a year, and in other ways, less, but last Christmas Sky and I were several states away from each other, and the Army wasn't to blame. We held tiny fragments of our year-old marriage in our hands. I don't think either of us really thought we would be able to put them back together into anything, let alone anything strong or of beauty. Yet, here we are a year later, making up for last Christmas by starting new traditions we couldn't share together before. It's our first Christmas sitting in the glow of a Christmas tree, and we smiled as we realized it.

Things are hard. It's what Courtney from Vintch called "the hamburger years", and sometimes, it's closer to rice and beans. Unceremoniously, we received some news from the Army this week that will likely dash all the hope we had of becoming financially stable. Instead, it seems all Sky's money earned will be going towards a debt he didn't know he had. And while the initial moments including calling my mother in tears, we are learning to accept it. After work that night, Sky and I sat in the quiet living room and talked about the possibilities, the strategies, and the ways we could make it work. We seem to have these talks so often, and it's wearying to both of us. I can't pretend it's easy.

Through it all, though- through so much more than I ever dreamed of when I said "I do"- we are here. Some days are happy, and some days we have to fight against the next thing in our paths in this unpredictable, hard knock life. There are plenty of mornings that my first waking thoughts are worries over the day before, but I have to keep reminding myself that we have food, we have shelter and warmth, and most of all, we have each other. Not in the cheesy way that wraps up a movie neatly, but in the way that we almost didn't have each other. But we do. And Millie has two parents, both of whom would do anything in the world for her. Sky still has his wife, and I still have my husband. We've fought for it, and we've earned it.

And when we have nothing else, we can grasp each other's hands and know that we are the richest.

DIY: Homemade Laundry Soap

We have been doing a lot of new things in an effort to save money. I've done the basic things since I was little- always bought the generic, store brands, looked hard for sales, compared sizes, or bought used. After everything that's happened recently, we needed to save even more money, but it's been hard to see where else we could cut back.

Now that we're using cloth diapers (again, for money-saving reasons), I do a lot more laundry. My mom mentioned making some homemade laundry soap, so I thought this was a perfect time to try.

I made the soap based off of this recipe I found. I saw so many on Pinterest for liquid detergent that involved a lot of melting and boiling, but I decided to search for powdered detergent that would be much easier and faster. I also didn't want a recipe that used Borax (most of them do), so this seemed more baby-friendly to me. It made my kitchen smell like the Fels-Naptha soap for a few hours, too- kind of a clean, lemony scent. There was a tiny bit of that scent that came though during the washing cycles, too.

Ingredients needed:
1 cup Super Washing Soda
1/2 cup Baking Soda
1 bar of soap, grated (I used a bar of yellow Fels-Naptha, but you can also use pink Zote soap, Ivory soap, or any brand of castile bar soap)

1. Grate soap to very tiny pieces. (I used an old cheese-grater on the smallest shredding.) If needed, you can dice up the grated bits with a butter knife. We grated it onto a wax paper sheet to make things easier.
2. Mix the grated soap, washing soda, and baking soda. Pour into a lidded, airtight container.

Keep a measuring spoon or plastic spoon handy for laundry days. You'll use 1 tablespoon (3 teaspoons) per load. For heavily soiled clothes, use two tablespoons (6 teaspoons).

The Fels-Neptha was $0.97, the super washing soda was $3.24 (both at Walmart, by the way), and the baking soda I already had (although it's only a couple dollars, I believe). I'll be able to get several mixes from the baking and washing sodas, so this laundry detergent is only costing me a little over a dollar for several loads. (The recipe I read said 100, but I'm guessing a little less.) Not too shabby!

The same day I tried this laundry soap, I also made the homemade Febreze I saw on Pinterest. It's even better than Febreze, too- because it uses fabric softener, it repels static. Although buying a bottle of real Febreze just isn't in the budget anymore, I will be able to make dozens and dozens of the homemade kind for the price I'd pay on one bottle. (It's mostly water, anyway!)

So here's what I want to know: do any of you have tips or ideas you use to be more frugal? Whether you have been doing something for 10 years or just tried it once, I would love to hear all your suggestions. How do you creatively save money?

**Update- we did start using Borax in our recipe, and didn't notice a difference on Millie's skin at all. If you'd like to use that recipe and stretch it even further, you just add 1 cup Borax to the recipe above. We also sometimes add a few drops of essential oil for fragrance, but it is completely optional.**

Shut Up and Eat

"I'd like to have money. 

And I'd like to be a good writer. 

These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that's too adorable, 

I'd rather have money." 

— Dorothy Parker

There are some things you just don't talk about.

You are supposed to keep your mouth shut about a select few topics, including religion, politics, the state of your marriage, and money. We tell ourselves that it's no one's business, but if we're really honest about it, we are just too embarrassed to talk about any of them. So we act like we always have enough money, our marriages are perfect, we profess to believe in God but not tie ourselves to any particular religion, and we don't dare swing too far towards Democrat or Republican unless we're in a voting booth.

However, real life is much more than what people see. So no one would ever announce they are on food stamps even though it's everywhere- 1 in 8 people, and half of the kids in the United States use them. I liked how one website oversimplified it- "It helps poor people buy groceries." Poor people. One in eight people means I know several who are using assistance to get by, but not a single person has ever confided that to me. I don't think the shame or stigma should be there- especially not anymore.

The thing is, so many people now are 'poor people', myself included. So when the mail came today, I was near tears when I saw the letter from the state of Illinois, which informed me that my family had qualified and would receive X amount every month to buy milk, or hamburger meat, or cereal, or whatever else we need to stock our cabinets and our refrigerator. We had calculated how much money we would have from Sky's paycheck, and were not sure if it would cover simple things, like paying all of our bills. There would definitely not be anything left for any trips to Wal-mart for toilet paper, cleaning supplies, and food.

There are people who disagree with the whole concept of food stamps, or any assistance from anyone at any time. I can only assume those people have never been in my position. There have been times where I wouldn't  have eaten dinner if one of my parents hadn't helped me, and most of those times, they weren't even aware of the kind of help I needed. Sometimes a meal out with one of them meant I could exhale and not worry about what I had or didn't have at home. Now that Amelia's here and I'll be stocking up on little glass jars from Gerber soon, it's even more important that I get this. I think I would be a worse parent if I didn't, to be honest.

So I'm not embarrassed. I'm humbled, but I'm so very grateful.

Uncomfortable

worries

about money

about finances

are not funny

i thought when i became a writer, student, deep thinker, deep breather

that things would be simple and that life would be free

i thought i would struggle poetically like they all do

but my prose and poems would be enough for milk and eggs and such

now i have realized that is not the case

and even dickens and poe and all the fellows who knew what writing was

knew it was an art, and that arts are necessary for the common welfare

but they are not the greatest way to become rockefeller or carnegie

i laugh now thinking how naive i was

and sometimes sigh about writing being engraved into me so strongly

a curse, a blessing, a habit, a life

I wrote that when I was 17 years old. It's irritatingly innocent to me now. Some of you have been brave enough already to talk about finances, something that is harder to discuss than nearly anything else. I suppose it's my turn.

I wasn't raised in a family with money. We had enough of everything we needed, of course, but not a lot of flashy extras I would sometimes play with at friends' houses. When my parents split up, I moved with my mom and siblings to various homes around town. She had a good job as a nurse, but it was still hard to feed five kids. So we didn't eat out much at all anymore. I babysat most days. Lots of things changed. One day, she must have sensed how low I felt-when I opened my lunchbag next to my locker, I saw a $5 bill and a note that said she loved me. I'll never forget it.

But since then, things have been a bit better. Never worry free, but easier. The time living with my dad spoiled me into forgetting what real life was like. Real life, as it turns out, kind of sucks, as far as being an adult. Everything revolves around the day rent it due. Paychecks are hoarded. Every single expense is weighted and calculated. I haven't said much to my dad on this at all, but when he met me at the pool today and I paid my way in and walked inside, he tried to hand me some dollar bills. "What are you doing?" I asked him. "Paying your way in," he said. I was thankful, but felt like the lowest of the low. I shoved the money back at him. He paid for an oil change for my car the other day, and put gas in it, arguing that I was driving so he could help. I drove the way there and thought about this, feeling bad. He drove the way home, and I felt worse. He was worried whether I could afford his Father's Day present.

College is supposed to mean more money in the long run. Once the fall semester starts, I'll have my grants and my tuition reimbursement to get me through and give me some spare change on the side. Right now, it just means a bigger credit card payment. Besides, who makes money writing, anyway? Writers are not known for the bank.

Then, the other issue. A couple weekends ago, I was supposed to walk down the street in a gorgeous, strapless dress and go to a local concert. I would look willowy (is there a nicer compliment on earth than being 'willowy', by the way?) and summery. I pulled the dress on-bad. Bad, bad, bad. I tried on a similar one-it wouldn't zip. A pile of clothes later, I realized nothing dressy from last summer still fit. I just found out I'm going to a wedding next Saturday-the first thing I did when I got home was pull a silk dress out of the dry cleaner bag, and slipped it on. It fits. Thank goodness.

I am not used to this. I remember exactly how much I weighed in high school. I was probably in the thinner half of the people around me. Everyone said I was skinny. I loved this. This one compliment I could believe and delight in. I had glasses for a time, and braces too, but thinness without effort was lovely. Then I gained a bit. No big deal-still was called skinny, still ate everything I wanted, and never felt self conscious in a swimsuit. And then, the present day- I wore a swimsuit today and could do little else than eye every other girl there, wondering if I looked thinner or fatter than them. Dad told me I used to look anorexic-now I have "meat on my bones". That was not comforting.

All of these things are ugly. No one likes to hear people whine, and no one wants to admit their insecurities and worries to the world. But this is part of me lately, and it's fake to pretend it isn't happening. I'm a really happy girl-actually, stunningly happy as of late-but when I'm not, this is what's on my mind. So win money, get a second job, or eat lots of PB and Js; diet, get a one piece, or work out daily-it can be overcome once I'm motivated.

I'm getting pretty close to all of the above-minus the winning money.