Love Song

“I was walking along looking for somebody, and then suddenly I wasn't anymore.” 

― A.A. Milne

There you were. Placed on my chest and, from the look of the pictures, probably crying your first cry, announcing your newness for the hospital room to hear. It's been a year ago now.

But in my memory, there is no sound. Just your face, and the realization that you weren't a girl like I was so sure of before. Here was eight pounds, ten ounces of baby boy...what did I know about boys? Behind the rush of love, the relief that you were in my arms, and the surprise of how quickly it all happened, there was a tiny part of my heart that was truly frightened. I didn't know how to be a mama to you.

I'd been a mama already, of course, but Millie meant I could match patent leather shoes with ruffled dresses, play tea parties, and do all the things I'd done before in my own childhood. All I could see, holding you in my arms, was a boy who would grow into a man. I wondered, already, when you would be too embarrassed to hug me. I thought about you finding your first love, replacing me in an instant. You were so small, with your soft tufts of hair and your sweet, kissable cheeks.

But I kept thinking about you letting go of me.

The first few weeks of your life were difficult. We rushed you to a hospital an hour away one night for a surgery, and I've never felt so helpless. I looked out the hospital window to the sparkles of the city, and wished I could fix everything for you. But, oh, you were brave, sweet boy. And through my tears, I watched your courage and felt my own grow.

Millie was always more independent and sure of things. I was surprised to have someone who seemed to need me more. You always craved me close by. You wanted to be held every moment. It was such a sweet blessing to feel that weight of you nestled up on my chest, breathing dreamy breaths and soothing my soul.

You have changed much in these twelve months; first smiles and first steps, sitting up and wobbling to stand, chatter that sounds like "mama" and "vroom"ing sounds with your cars. You are cheerful always, and your heart is so kind and so good. You will do anything to make me smile. You point to the airplanes in your room every time you wake, because all things are new with you and you want them to be new for me, too. Walter, I have been so proud to watch you grow this first year. I am so glad you will be a wonderful man someday. But for now, I am so glad that you are still my baby.

You spent this year doing many things. One of them was reassuring me.

I can't write songs, but if I could write one, it would be a love song.

And if I could write one, it would sound like you.

A Birthday Giveaway!

{Little chambanachik, turning seven or eight, perhaps?
Regardless, I'm loving the scrunchy and paint-splattered jean vest.
And that my poor brother didn't quite make it into the picture- but then, he's the middle child.}

"Clearly God was in some kind of mood on my birthday."  — Jodi Picoult 

Today, I'm 29 years old! One year left before the big 3-0.

I have a thing about birthdays; even though I've now had 29 of them, I still feel like they should be a big deal. For one day, it's nice to celebrate simply existing, you know? It's a day to fill with ridiculous balloons, confetti, too much cake, and pretty, wrapped up packages full of surprises. 

Today, I'm celebrating the years I've had, what they've been filled with, and where they've led. I'm celebrating picking up Sky from the airport tonight after he's been away doing Army things, and celebrating the job he was just offered yesterday afternoon. I'm celebrating the two sweetest babies being mine. And I'm celebrating all of you in blogland, because I've found some of the greatest friendships here. You've been with me for the most significant parts of my journey, and it has been amazing.

Truthfully, I hate parties, but I would love one with all of you. Because I can't share a slice of gloriously misspelled Walmart birthday cake with all of you, though, I figured I should do the next best thing, and give away some tasty favorites of mine. The winner must promise to raise up their coffee mug and toast my 29th year! It's the least you can do, right?

What you'll win:

* A $10 Starbucks gift card {to sip}

* A Starbucks journal {to inspire}

* Biscoff cookies {to nibble}

*Chocolate covered espresso beans {to crunch}

Enjoy!
*If you don't live near a Starbucks and are chosen as the winner, 
please let me know and we will substitute the giftcard part of the prize!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

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Millie,

Even though your hilarious vocabulary and your height have had others thinking you've been three years old for months, my heart still sees you as a newborn; small as Walter, impossibly chubby cheeks, and just beginning. 

And though three is still small, you've done so much growing, learning, and becoming in those three years that I know you will do amazing things. You already do.

{Millie at one week old, one year old, and two years old}

May this third year of your life be full of sweetness and wonder, love and joy, curiosity and beautiful things. Life has been so much more beautiful for all of us since you entered this world.

Happy birthday, Millers. We love you.

The Birthday That Was

After all the birthday wishes and questions as to what I did that day, I figured the best thing to do is a little show and tell. Since Sky worked that day, most of it was spent with just Millie, but we had a grand time, even if it was quiet.

I wore a sweater for the first time this season, and loved it. Almost everything thrifted, of course- $2.50 for the Ann Taylor rabbit hair cardigan, $2.50 for the Express thick tee underneath, and Charlotte Russe jeans (I think?).

The only style I've wanted to do lately is a high bun. Not too high...so this is my compromise. 

And my birthday present to myself...short boots on sale from Target.

This was my accomplice for the day. She was much happier than she looked here!

We were ready to set out on an adventure.

The day was absolutely beautiful.

It's soothing driving near golden fields like this.

First stop of the day: my favorite store in town!

A quick lunch on the way home. Beef and cheddar, baby.

Then Millie and I decided it was a good day for making snickerdoodle bread. So we did.

My favorite part might be the cinnamon smell permeating our house as it bakes.

We waited outside for Daddy to come home.

And went to Atlanta Bread Co. for one of my favorites- broccoli cheese soup in a sourdough bread bowl.

And at the end of the evening, we stopped by a little slice of Heaven you may know as Target.

And that, my dears, was my birthday.

28

source

Today, the air is filled with the intoxicating smells of autumn-piles of leaves making puffs of smoke, and the cool breeze carrying it softly through the open windows. There are corn and soybean fields turning the shade of yellow that means big combines will be out to harvest soon. Caramel apples, cider, and pumpkins are piling up high on the store shelves. Hay is being rolled into large bales in otherwise large stretches of empty ground. The nights are coming a little earlier and growing a bit colder. The mornings are taking a little longer to wake us up.

It's September. And today, it's my birthday.

And I love it- the whole season, and this day, too. Some people have told me they like spring the best, because there are so many new things. But autumn has always been my favorite, because there are new things now, too. There are those first days of throwing open every window in the house. It's a time to push through to the back of closets and find those cozy blankets we love or the pajamas we haven't worn for months. It's buying new boots or a warm sweater. It's hayrides and bonfires, hot cider and leaves like confetti everywhere, colored in the most beautiful golds and reds you've ever seen. 

September may be the closing of summer, but it's the beginning of fall. It's the time of year where the clock flips one more number for me, and I practice saying a new age when I'm asked. It's a year full of things I haven't done or said, and there are possibilities I don't even know of yet. 

In some ways, I'm not where I hoped to be at 28 years old. But in other ways- the ways that matter most- I'm exactly where I hoped to be. Though I (hopefully) have many more birthdays ahead, I can be thankful for what I hold in my hands as I greet this year- a marriage that has prevailed through more than a lot of people could handle. An incredibly handsome husband who loves me. A picture perfect daughter who couldn't be smarter or lovelier. Dreams. Plans. New boots for chilly days. And a million other little blessings that make up this little life.

Last year, I felt defeated thinking about where I was and all I hadn't done. I'm not in that place now. Whatever happens, and whatever doesn't- it's okay.

So hello, 28. It's good to see you. I can't wait to see what you bring.

*And I can't wait to continually brag to my 30 year old husband that I'm still in my 20s and oh-so-young.

My Favorite

September birthdays are the best.

This is the proof.

The Good Times

 'Things change, but the carousel is always here. It reminds people of the good times." 

— Glenda Millard 

I've had a sidekick for just over two years now. I think the feeling of wonder, of didn't the nurse just hand to me for the first time? will never really fade- and I hope it doesn't. And when she woke up as a two year old last week, I asked her what we should do on her birthday. "Carousel?" I offered. "Carrysel!" she chirped. So we went, and rode once for free after the older woman at the gate said a birthday ride is a free one, and once more in honor of being two. Sometimes once just isn't enough.

After that, we stopped in at the bookstore to turn in a coupon for a free birthday cookie. If you want to see pure joy beam from a child, just hand them a bakery item made of pure sugar.

And finally, we headed to a place that soothes and delights us- the tiny library in the next little town over. After all, Elmo is there, just waiting to pop out from behind a curtain and say "Hi, Mama! Hi, Daddy!" in a very Millie-sounding voice.

We finally headed home, tired and content. Though I'll strive to be parent above all else until she's much older, it's such an beautiful feeling to know that one of my best friends is this baby, this tiny sprout who will grow into someone amazing. 

And even when she's had many more birthdays and a whole circle of friends around her, I'll still remember our carousel days, and how we spun around and around but time stood sweetly still.

P.S. My sweet blog friend, Jamie, is having a big giveaway in honor of her birthday today (happy birthday, Jamie!), and I get to be a part of it! So if you'd like a second chance at winning some fold over elastic hair ties from me, plus lots of other goodies, head over to her blog today and enter!

P.P.S. Thank you for the comments and emails after my last post. Someone even said I was brave for my honesty, but the truth is that I needed to say it because there are some bits of this "real life" world that cut too deep to brush aside- it definitely wasn't bravery. I did, however, worry about the reaction I would get- not even the disagreements, but the same pain that I felt earlier that day. Instead, I felt nothing but acceptance and kindness, and I thank all of you for that. It's a beautiful and humbling thing to know I can go to my blog as a safe haven, to tell you my heart, and know it's okay to do so. I appreciate it so very much.

Millie's Second Birthday- Vintage Country Sweet Party {Part 2- The Rose Cake and Menu}

I want to write about this cake first- you have no idea. But first, a very quick rundown of the menu:
I served a simple country menu of crockpot barbeque chicken (shredded and on buns), sweet corn, homemade macaroni and cheese, chips, and Rice Krispie treats with a few dashes of sprinkles thrown in for fun (click on links for the recipes). I found some great red and white checkered plates and napkins at the Dollar Store, too.

Okay, now the good stuff. The main reason for a birthday party- at least, in my opinion? The cake.

I decided to work up some courage and make my own icing as well as decorated the cake. It's the fanciest I've ever done (even though it ended up being really easy!) so I was proud I didn't ruin it! I made a simple cherry chip cake from a box mix and I used I Am Baker's "Perfect Crusting Buttercream" recipe, but tweaked it a little to the following after reading through the comments:

Adapted Crusting Buttercream
Entire 2lb bag of powdered sugar (8 cups)
3/4 milk Crisco
1/4 cup salted butter
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/4 tsp almond extract
1/4 tsp butter flavoring
3/4 cup milk 
(I also added the tiniest bit of Red Wilton Icing Color for the pink shade.)

And can I just say when she actually responded to my comment with, "What a great adaptation!! Well done!", I was beaming. Anyhow, you can find the rose cake tutorial here. I also watched her video about 5 times in a row, and that helped me get it down a bit better. Although it does make a lot of icing, I ended up having just enough.  (You can find the printable cake bunting here.)

Like my apron? I love it! My mom made it for me out of vintage fabrics, and I think it's so sweet!

Success!

The finished product.

Millie approved, and I got to eat a couple leftovers slices, so everyone was happy!