Come Soon

Soil, ready for tiny seedlings and sprouts, for tall green stocks and fluttering leaves.
Skies, hopeful for clouds to fill with rain and then to shatter, for rays of sun that gingerly reach for the ground.
Me, longing to be enveloped in the buzz of brand new. Ready to be surrounded in warmth and blue robin eggs tucked away in nests, fitted in high branches of a flowering tree.

Come soon, spring. Come soon.

Love/Do Not Love {No. 6}

 

This month has been flying by, and it's time to write my list before the month is up. so here we go!

I love...

- Thundersnow. We had some yesterday- the first I can ever remember. I've had my fill of regular snow this year, but this was an interesting change. In case you are wondering, the correct response to it involves shutting off the vacuum and yelling "Thundersnow!" in the hallway in case anyone cared. Seeing flashes of lighting while giant snowflakes are coming down is a bit unnerving, by the way.
- Baby snuggles. Millie had no time to cuddle when she was a baby. It usually only happened when she was sick. Walter, on the other hand, wants to be snuggled a lot, and loves sleeping in my arms. And, oh, do I love that.
- Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream. Brownie batter, cookie dough, and ice cream- i.e., all the basic food groups in a pint.
- Also, ice cream in general these days. Is there a diet where you just eat ice cream? Because I want to be on it.
- Also...cookie dough in general.
- Millie as a ballerina. She gets so excited before every class. I love that there is something we do that is just about her and for her. Watching her listen so carefully to the teacher and interact with the students is wonderful. We coaxed her into introducing herself to another little girl last week, and it was just plain adorable.
- New shirts in the winter that aren't wool sweaters. Polka dots and lighter shades and a breath of spring.
- Brian Williams. I was reminded of this because I think of him when I think of Jimmy Fallon, who has been newsworthy lately. Brian Williams is a cool guy. Did you know he was a volunteer firefighter for a few years?
- Bowling and pizza. We went as a family on Valentine's Day. It was Millie's first time, and she beat me. (Let's not talk about that.) I am the worst at it, but it was so much fun. Next time? Bumpers for me.
- Lipstick. I've probably worn it a total of five times in my life, but I have a couple times lately, and felt very grown up and fancy. And sometimes, it's nice feeling grown up.
- Millie's hair in pigtails. It's finally long enough, and guys? It's pretty cute.

And now, a few things I do not love...

- My hair cut. Actually, I loved my hair cut until the stylist finished snipping and trimming. She kept telling me how it suited me, and how easy it would be. Then she leaned in a little and gave me a knowing look. "I mean, so easy, which is nice. Especially," her eyes narrowing, "since you're a mom to two." Burn. Did I just get a mom haircut? Is she telling me that's what this is? Insecurity.
Also, my dad said I look, "Older. But younger. In good way. And taller." Thank you, Dad.
- Nesting tables. I don't understand them.
- February. It's when winter starts to feel desperate. Especially this year.
- Walter crawling. I do like that he's doing what he's supposed to do, and that I have a chance to see one of my babies crawl (Millie bounced- yes, really), but he's into everything, everywhere, all the time. I'm scared to turn around!
- Giant chocolate chip cookies in the grocery store bakery. You know the type, with the icing and confetti sprinkles poured on top. In my head, it sounds like a wonderful concept. But they are not good. Not at all.
- Fashion poses. No one looks natural. I don't care if you have a ten inch thigh gap or can twist your neck in some crazy angle. Just stand there, slouching or chewing gum or checking your phone, like the rest of us.
- The term "life hacks". No. Do me a favor; just say it's a better way to chop an onion.

As always, leave your link if you join in!

Currently.

 Currently...

Thinking about: Marriage. We've been going to counseling for a few weeks now, and it's gone past introductions and the "tell me about your childhood" type of stuff, and into the stuff that makes the five minute ride home feel like five hundred minutes. I need it to help. I need everything to be fixed. But every part of me dreads these appointments. Sky will be leaving for a couple months soon, and we won't be able to do phone or internet counseling sessions, so there will be a break from it. And really, I don't even know what I think about that. It's uncomfortable to keep writing about this, to tell you truthfully, but writing is what I do when things hurt. 

Also? Thinking about winter. I'm ready to fold it up and put it away. Time for weather chilly enough for a Snuggie, but warm enough that my breath doesn't freeze instantly and hit me in the face.

Reading: "I'm Taking a Trip on My Train". It's a book Millie got from the library, and she can't get enough of it. I don't read for myself these days, other than a few blogs. I miss it- miss it terribly some days- but I've decided if I only have limited time, I need to spend it catching up with the bloggers I care about and writing for myself, because those things do my heart a lot of good. Soon enough, Millie and Walter will grow, and there will be time for more than a poem here or there, or a frenzied spree through Goodreads quotes. That's what I should buy right now, come to think of it- poetry. Commence Amazon browsing.

Listening to: A train rumble by our house. And before that, a message on my phone from a friend cheering me up. And before that, Millie reading that danged book. But overall, I've been listening to some Regina Spektor on my own, and lots of oldies when the kids are up. I have noticed that keeping music on for part of the day greatly improves all of our moods, and oldies are good because A- they generally have decent lyrics, and B- most songs are familiar to me and easy to learn for Millie. Today, I sang while she drummed with Tinker Toys. Walter seemed to appreciate the atmosphere, as he usually does.

Watching: Downton Abbey. Other than that, I couldn't name five other shows on TV right now. It's not that I don't love getting lost in a good movie plot or TV script; it's that there are so few I've even liked lately, let alone loved. It has been ages since I've been to the theater and felt like it was worth paying $9 to see a show. I'm sure that sounds incredibly old, but I'm turning 30 in September. Youngsters and their shows these days.

Thankful for: Coffee. Friends who exchange emails, texts, and Vox messages with me. The easy days with Millie. Pizza and Mexican food. A quiet house at the end of the day. Jesus. The feeling that comes from a random act of kindness. Pineapple upside down cake that my dad baked. Finding new favorite recipes. Every single expression Walter makes. My mom letting me cry on the phone sometimes. Bud Light. Comfy-skinny-baggy sweatpants. The very rare days it isn't snowing/ -20 degrees here. The promise of spring. Starbucks, which saves many a day. A Snuggie, which is my new favorite thing (only about 5 or 10 years behind trends!). Getting photos taken this week, which is a combination of Walter's extremely late 6 month photos, catching up with Millie's photos, and maybe a couple of all of together. (We're getting them done with the same lady who did my maternity pictures and Walter's hospital pictures, and I can't say enough great things about her.)

{Linking up with A Mama Collective today. Do check out the blog- they've been so sweet in featuring some of my posts, and I've loved what the girls have written, as well as the posts from other blogs they often share.}

Chicago Pizza and Other Important Things

Some bloggers feel that they should keep posting through those inevitable moments of writer's block or lack of inspiration. I'm of the opinion that I should put my pen down when the words aren't there. Because of this, and because life sometimes gets in the way of writing, it's been a whole week since my last post. 

But Fran recently tagged me in one of her posts, and had a few questions for me. It's a quiet afternoon of laundry tossing around in the dryer and sipping (mostly) decaf coffee. Walter is sleeping, and Millie is playing at her Grandpa's house. I think it is the perfect time to stretch my legs across the ottoman, slouch into the middle of the couch, and let the world know my pizza preference, among other things.

Fran's questions:
1. If you had to move to a city you've never been to, which one would you choose?
I'd like to live in Chicago for a while, and I adored Seattle, but I've been to both of them before, of course. Maybe London, or a little English village? I've never been to England, and it's safe to say that I could be quite content in any part of it.

2. What’s your favorite thing to order from Starbucks?
Child, I could order about 20 different things and be happy. I suppose I'm usually a mocha in the winter, frappuccino in the summer kind of girl. Mocha cookie crumble frappuccinos were the best until they got rid of them (and now I settle for java chip). I don't understand why Starbucks stops making drinks. (shakes fists) I also recently tried their almond croissant, and I am undecided on how I feel about it.

3. Pie or cake? And which kind?
I think it's mean to make someone choose, Fran. However, if it came down to it, I would pick cherry pie. Followed by chocolate cake without icing. Followed by more pie. And maybe more cake.

4. You’ve won an all-paid trip of your dreams, where would you go?
I'd professed my love of England so much. But if I could go somewhere after that, I would pick Italy. I love the sound of the language, the rich history, and the food. I judge most places based on food and accents.

5. Which book would you like to insert yourself in and why?
The first book that came to mind is To Kill a Mockingbird. I'm not sure I would really want to live in it, though. Maybe Sense and Sensibility. I've always felt a kinship with Elinor. That, and I like those dresses.

6. Name 1 historical figure or fictional character with whom you’d like to have dinner. Why him/her?
My immediate answer is usually Abraham Lincoln. I think he's fascinating. There are a lot of writers I love, but writers tend to be kind of moody and introverted as a group, and probably wouldn't make the best dinner guests. They also tend to drink a lot. Also, imagine the pressure- "Make sure you vacuum one more time; Charles Dickens will be here any minute!"

7. Which time-period would you like to live in?
Funny you should mention this. Michelle just wrote a post describing how she starting panicking about how she would deal with a situation in a book, and realized it's something that will never happen in real life. I do the same thing with going back in time. I read something by Charlotte Bronte, for example, and have very real worries about how I can live without medicine, my straightening iron, hot showers, MY COFFEE MAKER. I get a little worked up just thinking about it.

8. Chicago Style pizza or New York style pizza? You will be judged based on this answer.
I know I am safe from judgement on this because Fran (rightfully) likes Chicago pizza. I do not like Chicago style pizza because I'm from Illinois; I like it because it is correct. New York "pizza" is a floppy grease circle that you have to fold up to eat before tasting it. Chicago pizza is the way God intended pizza to be. It's a meal. It's an experience. And it's a waste of my time to eat something thinner than a phone book. (Related note: why do they still make phone books?)

9. What’s your favorite recipe?
Oh dear. That's a tough one. I most enjoy eating Italian food, which doesn't require very complicated recipes. My mom and I made a orangey/citrusy/liquor cake while I was visiting her at Christmas a few years ago, so I will say that.

10. If you could rid the world of one thing, what would it be?
There are so many things I begin to write, but every one of them made me stop. Because as trite as it sounds, even the bad things have a purpose, and there can be so much good come from them. There are things I wish people didn't struggle with or have to go through, but I think I'm not wise enough to choose something like that.

11. If you had to dye your hair a crazy, non-conventional color, what color would you choose?
My natural one. And only if I had to. It's crazy (i.e., horrid) enough.

And now, I'm craving pizza. Chicago style, of course.

To Sum It Up

Here's the thing.

I wasn't going to write another post this year. I felt that all my 2013 words had been used already, and I've come to realize I'm not great with New Year's. I wish I could pick one word or mantra for next year's theme, or make a long list of goals, or join a gym and eat more lettuce. But I feel like change is too uncomfortable to me for it to happen suddenly. I want things to be different- Lord knows, I do- but I want them to come in their own time. Organically. If any of that makes sense. It probably doesn't, because I'm sick and generally lacking sleep.

But Jenn (aka "Korea Jenn") tagged me on her post. And I would do just about anything for for Korea Jenn, because that lady is one of only two or three bloggers that can make me shoot tea through my nose from laughing so hard.

And then, I was going to write it, but not for a few more days. Until I realized tomorrow is the last day of this year.

So there you have it. My apologies on a last minute, hastily and reluctantly written post. Blame Jenn.

What were your highlights of 2013?

You probably were not aware of this, but on June 29 of this year, there was a little boy born. His name is Walter, and I like him. He's like the son I never had. But I did. I remember that part quite vividly.

Millie turned three, and we learned the terrible twos were actually so mild, peaceful, and sweet, and it'd be super to get those back. However, she's doing much better now, and I love her to bits. Her vocabulary continues to astound everyone she meets.

Sky was gone for 4 1/2 months for various Army things (in addition to drill days). He got a new MOS and a new civilian job.

I completed my second full time semester of school, and stopped yet again when Walter was born. I miss it, but I don't regret it. I know it'll always be there waiting for me.

I still didn't finish the same dang book I've been reading for over one year now. Motherhood has changed me in ways like selecting a swimsuit that won't startle everyone and longing to go to bed at 8pm, but for some reason, I didn't expect reading time to dwindle so much. I have to remind myself that I'll get it back in a few years, and that it's just as sweet to read Go, Dog. Go! for the 729th time.

• We moved a block down the street. I was reminding how much I hate unpacking the kitchen.
• Walter's surgery. Scariest day of my life.
• It was time to say goodbye to Facebook, and now that I'm gone, it seems even worse than MySpace because at least you had a song to explain your emotions. Facebook people just use too many exclamation points. And misspelled words.
• I spent almost exactly half of this year pregnant, taking care of Millie on my own (while Sky was gone), and going to school full time, and then the next half with a newborn and a toddler. Both were hard in different ways.
• We never grilled out this year and I mourned the lack of burnt hot dogs.

Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
This was my post last year. I think this year will be the same. No resolutions. Just hope.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
It seems like everyone I know had a baby this year, especially my blog friends. I'd have to say that I was most excited about Walter's.

Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank goodness.

What countries did you visit?
Way to rub it in! No traveling this year. But England, I will see you someday.

What would you like to have in 2014 that you didn't have in 2013?
A rock solid marriage.

What dates from 2013 will be etched upon your memory, and why? 
Walter's birth, first and foremost. I remember every second from that day, and the day before. Other memories aren't contained to one day, but I have some lovely ones. I'm glad my mom was able to visit when he was born. I'm glad for every kiss Millie gave him. I'm glad for all the afternoons of whatever spent out with my dad. I'm glad for the friends I've gotten closer to this year.

What was your biggest achievement of this year?
I know it's getting tiring to read, "having a baby". But it ain't easy, let me tell you. So that. Because I did it, and because I got to meet him.

What was your biggest failure?
Hmm. There were probably too many to count. Probably losing my patience with Millie. Now that we've settled into a family of four, it's been much better for all of us, I think.

What's the best thing you ate?
Oh gosh. Everything my mom cooked while she was here. And after that, when my dad took me out for steak at Texas Roadhouse, because it was amazing and I don't even like steak very much. And Nutella?

What's the best thing you bought?
The first thing that came to mind was a new Kitchenaid spatula to replace a dying plastic dollar store one. And that's pretty sad, but I'm sticking with it.

What did you get really, really, really excited about? 
The spatula, apparently. Because I've already said too much about a certain baby, I'll just say the little things. 

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Laughed.

Compared to this time last year, are you: a) richer or poorer? b) happier or sadder? c) thinner or fatter?
a- I'll steal Jenn's answer and say richer in the ways that matter. 
b- yes.
c- I adore this question because I was pregnant last year, so thinner, darling!

Did you fall in love in 2013?
With a 8 lb 10 oz little nugget.

What was your favorite TV program?
Recently, it's been Modern Family, but this year goes to Arrested Development.

How did you spend Christmas?
Quietly. I made brunch.

What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I turned 29. Craziness. I ate leftover Chinese food and bought a pair of cute boots at a consignment shop.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2013?
"Do these yoga pants come in multiple colors?"

What kept you sane?
Millie and Walter, hands down. And God, ultimately. There were a few times where I felt like that's all I had, and a few other times where I felt like that's all I needed.

Tell me a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
Don't lean on earthly things. Any part of it can disappear. Trust in something bigger than all those. 

********

I'm tagging a few lovely ladies, but anyone who wants to join in (last minute!) is welcome. I'd love to read more answer from you all!

- Kaylee from Max & Kaylee

- Ash from love{dot}lulu

- Fran from Free Borboleta

- Michelle from Mish Mash

- Erinn from It's the Journey

- Moira from McDancing Through Life

To sum it up: 2013, you've had some of the best and worst moments of my life.
2014, be kind.

My Top Ten: A Chambanachik Christmas Wishlist

Sometimes I feel a little silly making a wishlist for Christmas since I'm not ten years old. My list isn't full of American Girl dolls or Legos. But it's fun to dream, and I've realized that a coffee pot can be just as exciting (if not more so!). Here are a few things I hope to find under the tree this year.

My Wishlist

1. Brewstation coffemaker. The coffemaker I have is 10 years old and leaks. I like that this doesn't have a pot.

2. Elexctrolux 2-in-1 vacuum. Yes, a vacuum. It would be so much easier to clean crumbs off our kitchen floor using this, and it would mean I'd spend less time cleaning in general. That is a priceless gift!

3. Brown boots (Target). I have an old pair (that I've never liked) and they're pretty worn. This style is perfect.

4. Magnetic weekly organizer. This would be a nice upgrade for my meal planning.

5. Mad Men, Season Six. I haven't watched this season yet and I'm dying to know what happened!

6. Skinny sweatpants. I have these in gray and love them. So comfy! I need the black ones now. Maybe the blue.

7. An Erin Condren Life Planner. Just like last year, I am hoping for one of these. They're pricey but so useful!

8. Pour over brewer and filters from Starbucks. I've heard this is the way to make coffee, and because I'm coffee-obsessed these days, I have to try it.

9. Tiffany pearl earrings. It's extravagant to be sure. But I'll be 30 next year. A classic pair of pearls would go with everything.

10. A Frye leather bag. This is too expensive to expect, but I think it's such a great bag! I love the color, and it's just the right size to throw everything into but still look put together.

I have a lot of books on my Amazon wist list, but the truth is, I've been working on the same book for over a year now. I miss reading desperately. However, there are two little people in this house who keep me too busy to do much of it these days. I'll stock up on books in a few years when everything settles down. (Please tell me everything settles down later.)

You'll actually have a chance to win one of these things during the Christmas Giveaways this year! They start in less than two weeks. And speaking of giveaways, I'll be posting one tomorrow for something to help with holiday baking, along with a recipe for gingerbread men. My house smells heavenly today!

Love/Do Not Love {No. 3}

A new month (eek, it's November!) means a new Love/Do Not Love. As always, please leave a link to your blog post if you join in!

I love:
- Boot cuffs/boot socks. My mom crocheted me a few pairs after I'd been drooling over them on Pinterest and Etsy. They keep me a little warmer. Mostly, though, they look so darn cute.
- Nora Ephron movies. They are wonderful all year round, but they seem to ripen in the late fall. The music. The brownstones. The way they're inspired by some of my favorite old movies. The scripts, most of all. Just charming.
- Chicago. It's true; I bristle a little bit when everyone assumes that I must live in Chicago because I live in Illinois. But really? I love that city. I dare you to stand in the middle of it, with the Chicago river below you and the towering buildings above, and try to be indifferent. It's everything Carl Sandburg wrote of it and more. It's been a few years since I've visited and I can't wait to go back.
- Beverages in glass bottles. Milk from a glass bottle? Heaven. Pop tastes ten times better from a bottle than a can, too. I remember visiting my dad when he worked at the campus fire station here, and pushing dimes into what surely must have been the last bottled soda machine in the country. I'd get the grape, and that frosty, purple pop was the biggest treat.
- Since we're on the subject of glass bottled beverages, let's go ahead and mention Woodchuck. I rarely drink alcohol, and can count on one hand how many times I have in the last year and a half, but hard cider is where it's at. I'm not fancy enough to have racks of wine bottles. Just hand me a little green bottle, please.
- This exact moment of fall. It's the height of colors and smells here in Chambana. In fact, I think this may be one of the prettiest autumns I've ever seen. Millie and I love taking walks and swooning over the leaf confetti scattered all across the sidewalks. I adore the big flash of fall before everything is frozen.
- My kids in costumes. Can it be Halloween every day? I really don't like the holiday much, but they made a pretty adorable bear and puppy.
- Instagram. Oh hi, 2010. I know I'm the last one to the party on this. It's okay. I wasn't sold on the concept until I ditched Facebook, but this is a fun way to keep up with people I care about and share my own photos without all the complications and yuckiness of Facebook (see below). It took a long time to convince me, but I am now officially a fan.

And now, a few things I do not love:
- Food/diet fads. I won't name any specific ones for fear of hate mail, but they're the ones dominating recipes on Pinterest, labels at the grocery store, and hashtags on Twitter. I get burned out from hearing about them pretty quickly.
- Facebook. The truth is, I don't care what my ex best friend from first grade thinks about the president. I wanted to write a longer post about my decision, but I think I'll just leave it at this: it gets really messy. It gets awfully mean. And it steals my joy. I enjoy social media and I'm still active in it elsewhere, but kissing Facebook goodbye has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. It felt strange for about 12 hours. But after that, it felt like freedom. Despite what we're sold, it turns out we can go on living without it- quite happily, even.
- Onions. I just can't. When I have to cook with them, I either chop them into huge pieces that can be avoided, or mince them as fine as possible so I can pretend they don't exist.
-Going along with that, most pizza toppings. Basically, I'm 12. I want extra cheese and sometimes green olives. That's pretty much it. A supreme pizza (onions!) is my worst nightmare.
- Sangria. I've only had it once, truth be told. The concept of it bothers me, though. I won't tell you what it reminds me of, but...ick.
- Michelle mentioned it in her post the other day, and I agree- chevron. It's got to go.
- And finally, Daylight Savings Time. But really, does anyone on earth love DST? It's got to go, too.

So, what are you loving this month...or not loving so much?

Love/Do Not Love {No. 2}

Fran and I love most of the same things, but we disagree on college sports...

I posted my first Love/Do Not Love list a month ago, and it was so much fun, I wanted to bring it back. Several of you joined in, so like last time, if you make your own list, leave a link in the comments so we can all visit you. Without further ado, here are a few things I love and a few I'm not so fond of...

I love:
-Hanging out with Fran of Freeborboleta fame. Though I forgot to take my camera (thereby forfeiting the title of blogger and only using blurry cell phone photos in this post), it was so much fun getting to see her again. The last time, I was on her turf in Seattle. This time, Fran and her sweet mama drove hours just to spend an afternoon and evening in Chambana. It was awesome to introduce her to Millie and Walter. But mostly, it was just did my heart a lot of good to spend a day with one of my dearest friends- eating deep dish pizza, taking a cold walk around campus, and warming up with some Starbucks. The only do not love part of this? Having to say goodbye.

The rest of my loves:
-Chinese food. I order the same dish 99.5% of the time: sauteed broccoli in brown sauce with white rice and lots of crab rangoon. We have a pretty great place nearby, which means the owner lady instantly recognizes me, Sky, my dad, and Millie. In fact, Millie's managed to charm her way into free watermelon slices ever time (which aren't on the menu). Every so often I like to pretend I have room for doughnuts, eat one, and then complain that I'm dying. I could eat there every day and not get sick of it.
-Huge, fluffy bath towels. The bigger, the better. And someday, this lady is going to buy a heated towel rack (and heated floors, while we're at it). I once used one of the towels Sky takes on military trips, and I'll never get over it. It was a potholder-sized square of sandpaper, I think. Gross.
-Praise for cooking. If someone tells me twice that they love the meal, I may believe them. If they tell me once, I'm sure they're just being polite. If they don't tell me at all, I am positive they hate my food, hate me, and I should just burn down the kitchen. I might be slightly insecure about my cooking- can you tell?
-Snail mail. I love letters, packages, those random address labels- if it's not a bill, I'm excited about it. (I'd ask you all for your addresses if I thought there was hope I could write back.) I swoon over pretty stationery and fancy pens.
-Ginger. It's all I want lately. Christmas may come early in this house, because it's going to be gingerbread everything. (Speaking of, make these cookies.) Pumpkin is so last week.
-Notebooks. Specifically, the smaller ones that fit well in my purse. I think up ideas for blog posts in two main places- in bed, long after I should have been asleep, and while I'm out somewhere running errands. I keep a little lined notebook between the front seats, and grab it to jot something down all the time.
-Saying 'peanut butter' in Spanish. Google it. It sounds twenty times tastier, and slightly scandalous.

And now, a few things I don't love:
-Driving and spacing out. All I know is that I leave my house, and ten minutes later, I'm in a different part of town. I have no memory of all the twists and turns that got me there. It scares me a little, and makes me wonder exactly how I can be on auto pilot so much that I am completely unaware of what I'm doing.
- Also, driving at night. I always feel about 85 years old when I'm squinting through the windshield and complaining that everyone has on their high beams. Blind as a bat.
-Flute music, especially jazz flute. (I apologize if you play the flute.) No thanks.
-The person who invented white kitchen floors. No, it's cool. I like needing to sweep five times a day.
-Deciding what to wear. It takes me more time to pick an outfit than it does to do my hair and makeup. If I (magically) love the outfit I'm wearing, it still takes a lot of time. If I don't love it, it takes years.
-The wrong cleaning products used on things. Pledge used on glass? Glass cleaner used as bathroom cleaner? Kitchen cleaner used in any other room of the house? I can't handle it.
-The first time someone asks how old I am after a birthday. So awkward. I state at them blankly until I figure it out, and probably seem 10 years older than I am just because I can't remember.

What things are you loving- or not?

Beautiful and Good Things

"Luxury is not a necessity to me,
but beautiful and good things are." 
— Anaïs Nin

In the grand scheme of things, it's of little significance. Yet it took me 3 months to the day when Walter was born- probably even longer, because I can't remember the last time. I pulled the bottle from the drawer, balanced myself on the side of the bathtub, and painted my nails.

Only one or two smudges, glossed over with another coat of shimmery red that had just a hint of purple in the right light. Millie examined them and said, "I like your nails, Mama."

When I first heard the term "self care", I rolled my eyes and groaned a little. After all, aren't we all pretty fabulous at being selfish, putting what we want ahead of everything else? But I realized real self care isn't a selfish thing. We need nourished. We need rest. It's okay to sometimes remember that our hearts and souls and minds and bodies are worth looking after.

It's for everyone, not just mothers. But what no mother realizes is just how much she'll lose herself. At least, I didn't. There is always someone who needs you, always, and there is no pause or break, not one minute of let up. It is beautiful and humbling to be so needed, so necessary in someone else's small world. Still, it means we become mamas, and wives, and forget what it feels like to be that twenty year old girl who dressed up in high heels, flirted with boys, and had an empty home to go back to at night. We can't remember what it's like to meander though a bookstore and not make a beeline for the children's section, or spend hours and dollars at a salon just because we can. We can't remember bedtimes that aren't an enormous struggle, or even what the house sounds like when we're alone.

So these moments, however small and silly, are my self care. That bottle of paint, my minute away. The polish that's already chipping a little, my reminder that I matter, too.

I looked at my hands and told Sky I would be blogging about it.

And I did.

A Chat with Millie

If you've followed my blog at all, then this little girl bear needs no introduction. 

In case you haven't, meet Millie- 3 years old, a chatterbox with no off switch, and the one who made me a mama. She wanted to sit down to tell you all a little bit about herself. And she wanted to do that in her teddy bear Halloween costume, which can't wait until October 31st to be worn.

Love/Do Not Love

"I love reading another reader’s list of favorites." 
— T.S. Eliot

Is it possible to write a blog and neglect to talk about yourself? Maybe in a way. So many things have been changing in my life, and I've been writing them as they happen. But today, I'm going to sit down and write a blog post to all of you who don't know me as well- and really, to all of you who do, too. These are little bits of what I'm made of, inconsequential sometimes, but the stuff that doesn't change.

You already know about my biggest loves, of course. Today, the smaller ones.

I love:

- Starbucks. Oh, how I love Starbucks. If I suddenly became wealthy, I would definitely be a 3x a day Frappuccino addict. I want to be the cool girl that only goes to the little indie cafes in town- and I do love those, too- but Starbucks has won my loyalty, darn them.
- Accents. I could listen to them all day. British is at the top of my list, but just about any accent is mesmerizing.
- Random acts of kindness. I've had a few of these happen to me (especially since joining the blog world- bloggers are the sweetest) and there is nothing I love more than a sweet surprise. I think it's beautiful knowing you were on someone's mind enough on any given day to warrant something like that. My goal in the coming year is to do more of those kinds of things myself.
- Old neighborhoods. They have big trees and secrets.
- Sky. He is definitely on the biggest loves list, of course, but I haven't talked about him as much over the past few weeks, what with Walter arriving. I really love that guy. I'm really proud of him. And I think he's hot.
- Fall. I don't care if that makes me one of those girls who pins everything pumpkin and eats nothing but caramel apples during the months of September, October, and November. I adore it. The best season, hands down.
- My new hair. The picture above wasn't totally random- I actually chopped my hair off last week, and after a bit of back and forth, I've decided I really like it.
- Blog friends. People are so good sometimes. I have met, whether virtually or in real life eventually, the most amazing people through being a part of this community. Wonderful writers. Awesome families. The best friends. We have good Facebook groups. Hilarious Twitter conversations. Sweet email exchanges. It blesses me so much.
- Second hand clothes. I have the hardest time buying anything new now (other than jeans, because I'm a giant), because I am thinking about the dozens of things I could buy for the price of just one new item. Banana Republic has never been in my budget, but I just bought a few cardigans at the Salvation Army for $3 each. And they are pre-shrunk!
- Online shows. We don't have cable, and I don't have time to watch shows when they're on or deal with 50 commercials. I can catch up on things from six months ago, watch them in bed, and make frequent use of the pause button.
- My kids' names. Stating the obvious, right? But a stranger wandered up to me at the mall the other day, asked me Walter's name, then said, "Oh...really?" when she couldn't think of anything else. Yes, really. After hearing a kid at the mall respond to the name Lotus, I'm really not too interested in malldweller opinions. Because lady, Walter may not be to your liking, but it's a zillion years old, which means A- I didn't make it up, and B- he has a rich history of Walters to page through. Other Walters I can think of are strong and classy. For instance, Walter Cronkite is a household name. I bet Lotus Cronkite wouldn't make it very far. And that's the way it is.
- Marching bands. Going to football games do not excite me- I could take them or leave them. But halftime, when I hear the drum begin to rumble and the trumpets blare, is my favorite.
- Back to school time. It doesn't matter that I was homeschooled and that Millie will most likely be. I would buy dozens of notebooks because they were only 10 cents, get some beloved new fall clothes like a plaid shirt or corduroy pants (hey, it was the 90s), and open up my textbooks with excitement (except math).
- Seattle. Still love it. Still want to go back.

And now, a few things I don't love:

- The term "hand pies". It sounds so gross.
- Pasta salad. I've never liked it. Cold noodles? No thanks.
- Migraines. Again, obvious. They weren't quite as bad during pregnancy this time but they're coming back.
- Summer clothes. They make me angry. I don't want to wear shorts. Tank tops look horrible on me, although I wear them anyway. I want scarves and boots and heavy coats. I want sweaters with sleeves that are too long. And I want all the colors that go with fall clothes and not the florescent everything in stores right now.
- Those bad dreams that seem so real. I had one last night, and it was the first time I literally woke up sobbing.
- When people pin gross things. I will never understand this. When I am looking for a cute outfit or a perfect recipe, I don't want to see spiders, ticks, food that looks like open wounds, someone's feet, etc.
- Baby boy's clothes with skulls. Old Navy has them right now. Sky and I had discussed what our son's wardrobe would be like before we even had Walter (is that weird?). He will be sweet, preppy, and polished- classic stuff like polos and button downs (and some vintage stuff thrown in because I love it). Skulls on a little baby? Heck no.
- 90 degree weather in August. It was in the 70s for most of July and August. Now it feels like the temperature it's supposed to be, and I'm sad about it.
- White chocolate. Ew. I barely like real chocolate. That is not real. (Side note: I am currently swept up in a romance with Ghirardelli dark chocolate raspberry filled squares. I have lost count of how many bags I've gone through.)

If you make your own list, I want to see it!

Toast (and Monkeys)

I started writing a post yesterday. I was going to tell you how life seems to get busier and busier every second, and how I'm feeling pretty worn down. But I was going to counter all of that by appreciating the small moments the day hands me, like savoring the apricot gooseberry jam my mom made, emptying the whole mason jar within a few short days.

Minutes after Millie asked, "Mama, you're taking a picture of your food? Why?", our morning began rolling downhill, and fast. Millie was restless (and rightfully so), and Walter was having a rough day, needing to be held more than usual (which I didn't think was possible). By the time Sky was home for the day from his unexpected week on Army orders, it had escalated to either go out for Chinese or risk the house imploding. I still felt that pent up adrenaline and frustration after we left, though. I don't even remember my fortune, but it probably wasn't very promising.

As Sky was ready to turn towards home, we spotted a couple hot air balloons floating by. It must be something that happens every year, because I saw them from the hospital room window when Millie was born (and her birthday is tomorrow). Sky switched off the turning signal and spontaneously began driving the roads between high cornfields, trying to get closer to them. We didn't catch them that night. But on the way home, the sun was drenching everything in the most gorgeous, golden light. I snapped a picture of it from the window.

It didn't hit me until a few minutes later; I had witnessed the sunset. It was something I hadn't done for a good, long time. As fate would have it, only a little while after writing an entire post about it, I saw one after all. Surrounded by unusually cool July air, Midwestern scenery of crops growing tall, and with Sky beside me and the babies content in the back, it was there. It was brilliant.

Today has started out like a carbon copy of yesterday. There isn't enough coffee, and my wildest fantasies now include using my flat iron and finding a clean outfit to wear. And really, I don't expect it to change anytime soon. Having kids is exhausting sometimes, and having more than one of them is a whole other realm of challenging.

On mornings like this one, I will be trying to remember the sunset. I may not see many these days, but I saw that one. I needed that moment of quiet and beauty to get me through the million other moments of noise and messiness. If the only calm I get these days is a few slices of toast and the occasional sunset, then I have to stretch them for all they're worth. That, and keep remembering that someday, and sooner than later, I will miss the chaos of this time when even toast is a luxury.

*

I have one other story to tell you today, though. One that melted me completely.

While we were in the children's hospital last week, the nurse brought in a bundle and set it in the crib for Walter. It was a blanket (donated from Project Linus) and a blue sock monkey with a moon and stars sewn onto his belly. I thought it was sweet, snapped his picture with it, and brought it to his room when we came home.

But the next day, I stumbled on the story behind that monkey and I was blown away. It was part of a donation in honor of a little boy named Dawson. He passed away at the hospital before he had even reached one year old. His family decided to collect sock monkeys and distribute them to children in the hospital as a thank you for their son's care and as a way to celebrate him; they sewed the little moon and stars patches because his mother often told him she "loved him to the moon and back".

What would have been his first birthday was Walter's due date. As I scrolled through all the photos of this little baby, I noticed he was wearing the same outfit that we had bought for Walter before he was born (getting them for a little brother and little sister to take into the hospital with us). Looking at the picture of Walter in the crib with that monkey, I couldn't help but be moved to tears at how lucky we are. This family lost their precious son. We didn't.

I wrote Dawson's mother that night and told her our story, and she asked if she could post the photo on Dawson's page and the monkey donation page. Someone commented that it was as if Dawson was there, keeping Walter company. I'd like to think so. When we were leaving the hospital, Sky asked if I wanted to get him something from the gift shop, but I didn't. As it turns out, we had received the most valuable gift already.

Our Own Cake Wrecks

"Cake is happiness! If you have a cake in front of you, you should not look any further for joy!" 

— C. JoyBell C.

Life has been good when it comes to birthdays in this family. Every year, as our birthdays inched closer, my mom would ask us what we wanted on our cake. Sometimes, we asked for we asked for a soccer field or big firetruck (my brother), and sometimes we asked for certain flowers or confetti sprinkles (me). I remember having an amazing cake with a rainbow of Skittles spanning the top and cascading down the sides. Apparently, I also enjoyed any icing that I could press both palms into and lick off my fingers afterwards.

So maybe we were a bit spoiled in the cake department. (Seems I was also spoiled in the hair department- oh young, blonde Erika. Treasure that natural, effortless color while you can, because you'll be buying a box of dye every month to get back to your...roots. Le sigh.)

Anyhow, as we've gotten older and Mom now lives slightly farther away than the next room over, we've made do with store bought cakes the way many families do. And because Walmart is the closest store to us with a bakery, we usually end up there. 

We've had a troubled history, the Walmart bakery and I. I'll explain in a minute, but needless to say, I was almost giddy with excitement to order Sky's welcome home cake, and not just because he was coming home. I wanted to see what would be wrong with it. Because there is always something wrong. That's the beauty of ordering Walmart cakes. It's an adventure!

I was not disappointed. Well...I was a little- the words were all spelled correctly. But when I ordered it, I showed them a picture of the rank on Sky's uniform, and asked that they include it (he got promoted while at school, so I wanted to celebrate that as well). So naturally, when we got the cake back, I did not see the stripes I asked for...but some sort of bright yellow, Star Trek looking symbol. Welcome home from space, Sky?

However, we have had even better/worse luck with cakes for my brother. This is the history I mentioned. His birthday is the 4th of July, and one year, I decided to order him a cake and matching chocolate chip cookie. And if there is anything better than a cake saying "Your Specail Andy", it's an accompanying giant cookie that says "Extra Specail".

Sometimes, there are cakes so beautifully done, we ooh and ahh, hesitating to ruin the masterpiece. This one was of those times. It was that..."specail".

The only way I can think of for Walmart to top those cakes would be a cake with hideously ugly brown, pink, red, and green icing. It would be a significant moment for my brother- finding out he was accepted into the college he'd applied to and celebrating that. But it wouldn't say "Accepted". Oh no. That's not interesting.

It would say "Excepted". Congrats, Andy, on being excepted. I'm not sure what that means, but that's what you get. 

Because Walmart just knows best.

P.S. A reminder to enter the Military Wives' Bible giveaway - and also, be sure to stay tuned for the next post, because I will be hosting a giveaway for one of my most favorite things! 

Mama Got a Makeover

Leave it to me to be sentimental about this brand new blog look. I'm weird about blog design, guys.

It's so personal for me. Because this place is me. I am more at home here, letting these words out and connecting with people who read them, than I am almost anywhere on earth. It's my shelter. The place I built, brick by brick, and invited you into for tea and conversation.

I wanted it to reflect that. So I don't trust just anyone to decorate the frame that holds my words. It's not that they're very special. But they're mine.

Most of you know Fran, and despite the photo above (which is award-worthy in its awkwardness), she's my pal. She is also the only person I've ever handed this blog over to, and after wading through my indecisiveness  as well as at least 20 emails back and forth (example: Me- Um, will I still have a comments section? Fran- You're dumb. [Okay, she didn't say that, but she should have.]), she revamped this space into exactly what I wanted- something simple, soothing, and fresh.

This long post is just to say that I couldn't be happier with the new look, and I highly recommend Fran if you're in the market for one. (Her design site.) She somehow fit the puzzle pieces of all my meandering ideas together and made it all make sense.

And see? We're friends and it's not even awkward...well...

Mornings

“Thoughts are slow and deep and golden in the morning.” 

― John Steinbeck

I need mornings to begin softly. I need an easiness that lets me rest a little longer while people are rushing to work and the sun is insisting we rush too. I need those first sips of coffee that reassure me the day will unravel in a gentle way.

The break of day is a lovely time to be an underachiever. A time to sit with my thoughts out of focus until they gradually form into clarity. A time to relish those first kisses from a bedhead-ed baby in a bathrobe- "just a little kiss, not a big kiss." A time to shirk responsibility and sink into couch, read a few blogs, or just be still.

I could do nothing at all today or five hundred things. Both thoughts are comforting and full of hope when they're seen through the clean, early light.

I have never called myself a morning person. But maybe I should. New things are always beautiful.

Sky Vs. Erika

Admittedly, this isn't the deepest of my posts, but sometimes these things happen around midterms. I saw this on Meagan's and Jen's blogs, and decided it would be a fun thing to do with Sky long distance.

His Answers / Her Answers

How long have you been married? 

3 years / Just over 3 years.

Where was your first date? 

The Eagles / Yep- an uncrowded bar in his small hometown 

that still seemed loud with the jukebox playing something country.

Where was your first kiss?

Flora / (That's his hometown) Yes...after we put in a movie and 

would rather stare at each other than watch it.

Who first said, "I love you"? 

I did / He did, come to think of it. 

It was a couple hours before I went home and he went back to Afghanistan.

(He asked me to be his girlfriend approximately two minutes after that I love you, by the way.)

What were your wedding colors?

We didn't have wedding colors / We had a very low key wedding, but we used navy blue 

in the favors/maid of honor dress/flower girl dress.

What is her most commonly used phrase? 

"You gonna run today?" / That's only the months leading up to the next PT test! 

Who is her celebrity crush? 

The guy who plays Don Draper / I can neither confirm nor deny this 

(and Sky, his name is Jon Hamm for future reference).

If she was ordering drinks for both of you, what would you each get? 

 I would get crown and Coke and she would get ginger ale because the baby can't drink. / I would skip the bar right now and order one v8, one chocolate milk shake, one root beer...and whatever Sky wanted. 

When I'm un-pregnant? Some hard cider  or a snakebite sounds pretty darn tasty.

What is the best meal she has ever cooked you? 

Beef stroganoff / It's depressing that he thinks this is the best thing, but I'm glad he likes it.

What is the worst meal she has ever cooked you? 

No idea / He is saying that to avoid some pouting later- 

there are plenty of meals for him to choose from in this category!

What is the most-played song on her iPod? 

_________ / I edited this... interesting response, but it boiled down to the fact that I would 

never own an iPod. (And he's right about that.)

What would she say is your most annoying habit?

Being alive :-) / Oh goodness. I would say always falling asleep during tv shows.

What is the last thing she does before she goes to bed? 

Probably takes 3 hands full of sleeping pills and puts a sock in my mouth to stop me from snoring. / 

Maybe not 3 handfuls, but I do have to take something to sleep. I just handle the snoring with an elbow to his ribs when I need to do so. :)

If you could throw out one item of her clothing what would it be? 

Can't think of anything but if I throw out all of her clothes that might be fun. / Blush.

What would you say is your favorite thing about her? 

That she is not just in my imagination. / Aww.

What's her go-to drink at Starbucks?

Decaf anything that sounds good at the time. / Very true. Decaf vanilla or mocha anything is usually good. 

Last time, it was a decaf vanilla iced coffee and it was divine.

What's her blog's name?! 

"The Humble Servant of the All-Mighty Sky" or "Chambanachik" same thing really. / Um...