October 24, 2010

The Twenty-fourth, Twenty-fifth, and Twenty-sixth Days

"Depression is a lot like that: slowly, over the years, the data will accumulate in your heart and mind, a computer program for total negativity will build into your system, making life feel more and more unbearable. But you won't even notice it coming on, 
thinking that it is somehow normal, something about getter older, 
about turning eight or about turning twelve or turning fifteen, and then one day 
you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, 
a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence. 
One morning you wake up afraid you are going to live." 

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.(Post the titles and artists and letter) **Skipping this day**
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

I have thought about what to say on this post for weeks. I have decided not to share 100% of everything that's happened- I can count on one hand the number of people who knows such intimate details of my life, and I think it's best to keep it that way this time.

The short answer- yes, I have thought about giving up on life. I have seriously considering ending my life at certain points. I've dealt with depression for the majority of my life, and though I've had a year or two that I've gone without those feelings, they always seem to creep back in somehow. Most of the time, they haven't been for any real reason or cause- twice, though, those feelings were for a very specific thing going on in my life.

So, specifically, the reason I'm still alive? There are several people who have helped in one way or another. The credit should mostly go to two people, however- my father, for helping me to laugh in the darkest moments, and Amelia, for giving me the drive to get out of bed and kiss her cheeks when I felt like just pulling the covers over my head. It's amazing how she can't speak the words "It's okay", but she can heal my heart more than anyone else. I've always tended to think of babies as one dimensional, either happy or cranky, and very simple. In fact, she can give me the most soulful looks and sweet smiles that are beyond anything an adult  could give. And for that, I thank her.

Depression has taken me down so many roads that I never would have imagined I would travel. I would be wrong to say I'm confident I'll be happy from now on- I know that I will probably have to fight from time to time for the rest of my life. But I've got some amazing people in my life to rely on, and I think I have finally learned that there can be happiness on the other side.

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