December 10, 2010

Day 10, In Which I Nearly Skip the Prompt and Ramble Instead

Prompt: Wisdom. 
What was the wisest decision you made this year, 
and how did it play out?
Author: Susannah Conway

I don't feel wise. I can't think of something at all wise that I've done lately. I question my wisdom now.

My clothes, along with Amelia's little pajamas, shoes, and toys, are stuffed into a suitcase and a duffel bag. I woke up this morning and stared at them as if I expected them to have answers. Should I bring a pair of boots and my Chucks, or all the heels and shoes in my closet? Am I packing for an extended visit or a lifetime?

I keep thinking about what this would be like if it were a deployment. I've spent our whole relationship thinking about what that day will be like, when I help him load his bags into a car and say goodbye to him at an airport. The thing about deployment is that there is hope for good in the future. There is the knowledge that, once he comes back, life can be beautiful again. Things will be complete. There was a bit of sweetness to missing him. There was hope. There were no fights during his last deployment because there wasn't time- everything negative was small or non-existent, because the goodness of the future meant so much more.

Now, the future is hazy and unsettled. I think the part of this that I may not have made clear in my post a few days back is this: I still care about Sky. I want to be married. I want to have a whole, healthy family, and I want that to be with my husband. I don't want to trade those things for some single girl life or to be with another person.  It's funny, because I used to have a plan if something like this would ever happen in a relationship. You know, I would stay married unless _____. It sounds horrible I guess, but obviously, I wouldn't be with someone if they were hitting me or my daughter- things like that. So here it is. _______ happened in my relationship.

The script was supposed to read, "Exit Erika. The end." I didn't expect it to read instead, "Erika stumbles towards the door, looks back, feels torn, and sits in a crumbled heap on the floor, unable to make a decision." What a lousy play.

2 kind comments from you:

Dolli-Mama said...

I'm sorry.

Put extra diapers and wipes in the duffle bag (or diaper bag) and take double outfits and baby food on the plane. You never know, and you don't want to be caught without extra diapers.

Take it one step at a time. Packing extra diapers can be the wise thing you do today. Tomorrow you can do something else that's wise, like don't forget your toothbrush.

Stuff can be replaced, don't worry about it. If you really need something, there is always Wal-Mart.

Beka said...

I'm really sorry.
There's nothing I can say... I'll be praying for you.

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