January 15, 2011

Battle Scars

"There are betrayals in war that are childlike 
compared with our human betrayals during peace. 
The new lovers enter the habits of the other. 
Things are smashed, revealed in a new light. 
This is done with nervous or tender sentences, 
although the heart is an organ of fire." 

I'm all right this morning. I almost hesitated to write about last night, but decided I would, if only for advice from all of you.

Things were good. The day had been nearly easy. I had tried to make fried chicken, and invited my dad over for dinner with us. After we ate, we sat down to watch a movie he brought over. It was a recent movie I had  wanted to see, and it was a goofy comedy.

I laughed until it happened; a scene in the movie that was eerily similar to something that had happened in our marriage, the thing that caused such a mess in the first place. I started at the screen in disbelief, that, yet again, something that was supposed to be hilarious ending up heartbreaking. (It had happened just a couple months ago too, when a comedian opened his set with a joke that stung and left me in tears.) I got that kicked-in-the-stomach sort of ache. I wanted to turn off the movie and throw the DVD off of our balcony.

There doesn't seem to be a way to avoid these land mines that I end up walking over, these silent grenades that fly in unexpected and fiery. I liken it to a kind of PTSD, for lack of a better explanation. I go along relatively okay, and then, suddenly, there is a trigger, and my calmness shatters.

Last night, I felt Sky grip my hand a little tighter while Dad was still staring at the screen, oblivious. After he left, Sky held me and apologized. There isn't really much else he can do, and I know this. We went to be in peace. But I know it will happen again, and again and again.

I know I'm not the only one who has been hurt in a relationship, so I ask you: what do you do when something like this happens, something that may not bother anyone else in the room, but bothers you because there is some history associated with it that you would rather not remember? Do you try to ignore it? Do you have long talks?

What do you do when there are pieces of the past that you need to diminish in order to live in the present?

4 kind comments from you:

Beka said...

in a smaller and much different scale, for me and issues....long talks seem to be good things.

ProudArmyWife21 said...

I usually will try to ignore it. But My husband always can tell so we end up having long talks.

April Rexroad said...

I say take it one day at a time. Don't try to rush feeling whole because hurts like that take time to heal. For now, you may not be able to go more than a day or two without the feeling coming on suddenly. Me and Justin have gone through a few very hard patches similar to what you are going through and I have to say time is the only cure. I'm not usually an advice giver because in worry that my advice will not help or be taken the wrong way but I have been wanting to tell you since I read you were coming back home, to take it slowly. That somedays it will be fine and you will be confident that everything will come out okay and others days you will feel depressed and weak and unable to heal. But those times get further and further apart and one day you will realize that you can think about the whole thing with only a little twinge to your heart. I would say in times of doubt or when you hear those songs or see those movies, remember the feel of his hand in yours. Something I like about this story is that he was so in tune to you that he realized immediately how that scene would make you feel even though your (well meaning) father was oblivious. Little things like that to me are love. --april

Renee said...

I can not add any more than what April just wrote. Just know the triggers will come up and know that you will breath through them with you husband. Don't stuff your feelings of insecurity ... begin to trust him again by sharing those feelings with him.

Good luck!!

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