January 26, 2011

Can't Do It

She is the babe you hold in your arms for an hour after she's gone to sleep. 
If you put her down in the crib, she might wake up changed and fly away. 
So instead you rock by the window, drinking the light from her skin, breathing her exhaled dreams. 
Your heart bays to the double crescent moons of closed lashes on her cheeks. 
She's the one you can't put down." 

I'm faced with a lot of choices right now. One road leads back to a kind of stability. The other leads to me finding a job and packing Amelia off to a daycare. It's pretty much the last thing on earth I want to do.

Don't get me wrong- there are great ones, I know, and I'm sure there are good ones in this town. I also know that I will have to let her go in a few years, when it's time for her to start school. I don't care.

My biggest dream-bigger than any hope I have of being a real writer, bigger than anything- is to be a stay at home mom. It's what Sky and I agreed to when she was just the tiniest of cells. I believe in it that much. I am petrified that I would have to ever give it up. Sure, I sent out a couple job applications last week, but secretly, I would fall to pieces if they called me for an interview. I actually feel physically panicked thinking about it.

There's complications, for one thing. I'd barely make enough to even pay for daycare, without getting some kind of assistance. You only qualify for assistance if you have a job. (Lovely little catch-22) I've also been told it's extremely hard to get a baby this young into daycare, or at least, into one I would trust.

Those are excuses, really. The point of it is, I do not want to hand her to anyone. I want to be there for all her firsts. I want to be around in case she bumps her head and needs a kiss. I want to put her down for her naps, and see that sweet smile when she awakes. I'm the farthest thing from a perfect mother, but I know her, better than anyone else could ever know her.

I don't want to put her down.

2 kind comments from you:

Morgan said...

go to sittercity.com you have to pay but its a site of babysitters/nannys who work in your home or theirs. Background checks can be done you can meet them pick them and discuss pay. Something to think about.

No Model Lady said...

That is such a tough situation. I was lucky enough to have a trusted family friend watch my oldest son when he was very young, but I've stayed home with my youngest and now they're both in school and time has flown. I say being poor is better than being miserable and if you would be miserable working and juggling all that while missing baby, I say it's a deal breaker.

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