January 4, 2011

Learn as I Go?


[...]you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
-from the poem "You Learn" by Jorge Luis Borges

Can I just take one moment, and say that trying to fix a messed up relationship while dealing with a teething 5 month old may be a certain level of hell? Forget jail- make someone endure months of this, and they'll never do anything to go back there again. While I am grateful for all the help I here at my mom's, it comes down to the fact that she's my child, and though I love her to death, it's a bit overwhelming sometimes/oftentimes/ever since she was born (and switched from colic to teething in the blink of an eye). I seem to be poorly equipped to handle stress- other moms do it so easily, even gracefully, and I fall apart. She and I have been in tears together more than I care to admit.

Anyway.
What was I thinking of when I sat down to blog? Just this- confusion. Lots and lots of it.

I have entered the confused phase, where I feel a bit lost as to the next step, where I am making decisions because I'm sick of living in limbo, in no man's land. The last few weeks have been a roller coaster. One day, my future looks this way, the next day, another way. I hold on to shredded bits of my marriage and find myself praying for it to last and wondering if it really will. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I have to, I must, make decisions based on the unknown, and it sucks. My daughter depends on it, as does my sanity.

Here I am then, saying yes to some things and no to others, and feeling like I'm on some sort of strange autopilot. I try to think with my head and not my heart, because my heart has gotten me into too much trouble. I wonder, 10, 20 years down the road, what Amelia will think of her mother, and I shudder at the thought. She's priority number one, but there are so many others. I feel like, no matter what I decide, someone gets let down, hurt, or angry. No matter what, I will be a bad daughter, or bad mother, or bad step-mother, or bad wife. Having responsibility for myself seems overwhelming right now as it is, but I feel like it's two seconds left in a tied game and I have the ball. Everyone in the place is silent. They all wait for me to make a move, but I feel frozen.

Maybe I'll never know if my actions are wise or not. I suspect as much. I am sentimental, terrified of regret, indecisive, and fearful of any kind of change- what a glorious train wreck of combinations to have in this situation. If there was a magic 8 ball with the answer, I'd buy 50. If a palm reader could lay it all out, I'd spend hundreds. If God, in his infinite wisdom, could give me the smallest of yeses or nos, I would be beyond grateful.

Two hearts-and so many more, really- hang in the balance tonight. What am I supposed to do with them? I hold them, bloody and wounded and beating and expecting. They won't last long just sitting here in my hands.


3 kind comments from you:

McDancer said...

Don't be fooled, most of those moms that seem to handle children so gracefully have meltdowns too (they just do it when you can't see them ;)
And while I applaud your thoughts for your daughter in this situation, don't forget to make yourself satisfied too. If you're happy, she will be too. * hugs *

Dolli-Mama said...

McDancer is right, most moms fall apart one time or another (or everyday).

I have always found it frustrating to be a mom around MY mom, because somehow I feel like my job should be easier when she is around, but it's not. It's just as hard and there are still just as many demands on me.

As for the other side, I wish I had something awesome to say, something that would shine a light on the situation. I don't. I'm sorry. I hope you find all the answers you are looking for.

I send prayers and love.

Beka said...

"And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight..."

Hmm. Wow.
Golly.
I'll be praying for you.
And hey--being a mom isn't easy! Everyone knows that! And there are lots of low phases mixed in with some good times. Don't worry dear. It's going to be fine.
hugs!!

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