January 18, 2011

Where We End

"Of course, in a novel, people's hearts break, 
and they die and that is the end of it; 
and in a story this is very convenient. 
But in real life we do not die when all that makes life bright dies to us." 

I waited for him so long, so very, very long. Not just for him to come home from Afghanistan- I waited all the past years of my life for him. I waited for a man who would sweep me off my feet. Someone to love with all my heart. Someone to have babies with and raise them in the happiest of families. Someone perfect for me.

He gave me a t-shirt the night before his leave ended, on the first weekend we met. He told me to make it into a pillow, to hold when I missed him. I don't know what I'm going to hold now.

I told him goodbye today. We're both getting ready to pack up everything we own. My things are going to my dad's until I know where life takes me. His things are going to a different apartment. It's like we weren't even here. It's like it didn't even happen.

But my heart knows better than that. I thought divorce was supposed to be easy in a weird sort of way- you hate the person, and you say good riddance. I have never felt more ripped apart or more incomplete than I do tonight. I already miss him intensely and I know the worst is yet to come. I have been crying so much I don't even realize when I'm crying anymore. It's more like the tears seep out of me automatically.

I told myself this year, if only this one single year, I would be happy. I came home from Oregon hoping, hoping so much. We talked about buying new wedding rings. We talked about taking romantic trips. We talked about so much of the future that I feel like I'm losing a lovely, scripted year or two. I've tried. I have tried more than I even thought my heart was capable of, but some things cannot be fixed. Maybe down the road they can. But not now. And I know that.

This isn't going to be a blog that turns into 'the girl who got a divorce'. Not only because I am more than that, but because, while I'm angry in general, I still love Sky. I hate this more than anything. I hate that I'll be grouped into the single mothers of the world. I hate that I won't be at home with my daughter the way I wanted so much. I hate that I'm losing what could have been such a beautiful life. I hate that I have to let go of his hand when I want so much to hold on.

There is some stupid fantasy in my head that thinks maybe we can still be a semblance of a family. As it stands now, we'll live very near each other. I picture family outings and getting-back-together-date-nights until I realize that it is all pretty unlikely. He will move on. Life will go on, with or without me. It is the way break-ups go.

Anyhow, I ask for your prayers tonight. I can't even begin to name all the things I need prayer for, but anything that setting up a life includes. I'm blessed to have my dad who is willing to let me back under his roof yet again, but everything else is very up in the air. Part of me doesn't want to blog for weeks, but most of me knows I need a place to vent, a corner to curl up in, a soft spot to land. I ask for your patience as I do.

Lastly...if I can somehow say this without sounding silly: if you are in a relationship, a marriage especially, and you are happy; if you can completely trust the person you love- that is absolutely the most important thing on this earth. Don't take a second of it for granted. I am not sitting here thinking about what possessions will go where. I am mourning the loss of a life with my husband. Because a life with your family is the most amazing, most invaluable life you can ever have.

Now? I've got to figure out how to live my life without it. I'm too tired to figure anything out tonight.

I guess I have all the time in the world to get there.

8 kind comments from you:

Renee said...

I remember being 20 yrs old, 2 year in to my husband's military career and just giving birth to our second child. It fell apart and I was packed up and sent back home. Life changed for everyone; it wasn't easy... I did it. Got a job (then career), raised our children (alone), and have the most amazing husband (13 years now) and children (still only my two) that I couldn't imagine 24 years ago.

Hang on and keep looking forward! Big hug to you and lots of prayers!

Anonymous said...

It's not easy. It doesn't matter how much hurt there is inside your heart he's the father of your baby girl...your husband. You can spend your days cursing him and still curl up in a ball at night longing for nothing more than to be in his arms.

It won't be easy...at least not for a very long time. Maybe never. It's been over a year now for me and I still struggle with "what might have been" on a daily basis.

Our stories...I don't think any two could be more alike.

I'm here, anytime. I'm serious.


Beka said...

oh my, my, my, my.
i'm sad for you. my heart hurts a little.
...sending hugs and lots of prayer, dear.

i love love love that quote.
oh my. word.
love it.
i especially related to it this one time a couple years ago. that me has faded and i'm different now.
only way to say it without going into the story here in a comment. heh:)

there's always someday....isn't there....?

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you have decided to give up. Its a sad thing in todays world when people tread marriage like underwear.

L.C. said...

sending HUGE hugs your way!! and prayers!

kimmyd584 said...

To Anonymous:

How ignorant and insensitive of you to post such a rude comment. What do you suggest she do? Stay with someone who treats her and her daughter with constant disrespect? You need to take your rude , disrespectful comments elsewhere because they are not welcome or appreciated here at all.

Erika, I love you and Millie and I'm here for you and praying for you both. Don’t let D Bag comments like the one above effect you at all because it is pure ignorance

McDancer said...

I'm so sorry that it ended this way, but you will find a way to rebuild yourself and be happy.
Sending thoughts and prayers your way that you find happiness and peace!

ashley said...

I just came across your blog tonight and I will be keeping you in my prayers. Sending you lots of strength to get through the hard time.

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