April 11, 2011


"She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she was sad. And that’s important—you know " 

Last night, yet again, there was another comedian on TV making light of something that really hurts my heart. I had bad dreams last night, too- not the kind where made up monsters chase me, but replays of very real things in my life. Then I woke up, and read Jessica's blog post. I have been in such a funk all day.

I kept wondering if life will ever get easier. I started thinking about something someone said the other day- a girl who faces infertility was having a hard time seeing so many pictures of babies and pregnancies. And I thought about how this girl seems to have such a picture-perfect marriage, and how I would give anything to have the same. She and her husband look so happy, so right for each other. I think about how blessed I am to not have the hurdle of infertility, but then I wonder if I will ever have a strong enough marriage to have another child someday. The grass is always greener. I think we always want what seems unattainable. I think it takes an incredible person to think that they have it all. There is always a fly in the ointment.

Blogland is a strange place. There is so much support, as shown by the outpouring of comments on Jessica's blog. But there is sometimes competition, I think. Nothing spoken, and nothing tangible, but I have caught myself more than once thinking, "If only..." I think that's one of the reasons I write what I do- I could post smiling pictures of Amelia every day, and I could wax rhapsodic about the beautiful days I'm having, but it wouldn't be the whole truth. Life is painful sometimes. Things happen that you have no control over. People hurt you and events change you, and to dismiss that would be dishonest of me.

Sky told me that I need to quit shutting him out when I'm sad, and I know he's right. While writing about it comes easily for me, I am not one to want to talk. It's hard to spill the same fears and hurts to him over and over again, like a broken, scratched record. It's hard to trust anyone that much.

Anyhow, I am so glad that Jessica's parents commented to let everyone know she survived. I can honestly say I know how she feels, but I can also say that I have had so many comments and emails from people in the blogworld, and felt such immense support. I am proud of all of us bloggers for the community we've made. I don't think people quite understand the friendships that are forged through our writing. It's a really beautiful thing.

Another rant-ish post. Goodnight.

8 kind comments from you:

Goodnight moon said...

Yes, I just visited her blog again and saw that her parents updated everyone! I'm so happy that she is getting the help that she very much needs. My first thought when I was reading her post, was "what about her parents"...who cares about her husband, all I could think about where her parents.

I just wrote something about the blogging world as a guest post for someone. It really is a world all of its own! You can get so much support from complete strangers! It's so great!!!!

P.S...make sure you keep your communication open with Sky;)

Consider The Lilies said...

i love this. i never expected to consider people in blog world my friends, but i truly do. it's such an awesome little community that isn't spoken about often. you can know so much about a person just through their writing and its so cool. keep your head up girl, the grass is always greener on the other side just like you said!

Nicole Marie said...

I have been blogging a little over a month... That is all, and I have met so many wonderful people through writing. It truly is amazing.

I look forward to reading more of your posts. :)

annoyed army wife said...

I would have never ever believed I could become this close to people I've never seen in real life. I was in such an awful funk yesterday just thinking about Jessica and what she's going through.

Writing is an easier way for me to express my feelings with OccDoc. Anytime something is too hard for me to talk about (i.e. I'm crying and sound like a blubbering idiot) I have to write it down. But, yeah, the grass IS always greener. Unless I'm your neighbor 'cuz our grass is always brown. What? We're renters, yardwork is low priority.

Deanna said...

I did a post on "the grass is always greener" a couple of weeks ago. I want to be a stay at home mom..and I know stay at home moms would want to have some of their own time at work. lol. I think no matter what stage of life we're in...there's always something that looks better.
Haven't caught the whole story of what is going on with Sky, but yes, keep talking with him. We've been married almost 5 years, but in that time we've started a business and had a special needs child....two very hard things on a marriage. Keep talking, talking, talking even when it sucks...

Renee said...

You are so right - it's easy to look at someone else's life, marriage, kids, careers, things and see it as perfect. We wear so many masks very day to cover up what it really brewing just under the surface of our hearts. Maybe it's just a coping mechanism, maybe it's just easier to deal with if no one notices what is really going on.

I began to blog following the death of my parents at the on-set of my husband's deployment. The timing sucked and was painful. I didn't think twice about putting my despair into words and I didn't give a damn if anyone was offended. I did, however, begin to get some amazing followers who got me through that time just by 'being there'.

I'm glad you are here to share your life and your story!

charla beth said...

this post is so genuine, it's beautiful and i love it for that.

you're right--the grass is always greener somewhere else. i think it's neat that you come right out with that, because i think it's hard for most people (myself included) to admit that we're rarely ever satisfied with what we have right in front of us. ultimately, we will never be content on this earth--because we were not made for the earth, we were made for eternity. our souls are longing for something that's unattainable during this short time we have here. and you're right, it's hard sometimes. life is hard. i'm glad you write about the hard, though. i think sometimes we can find common ground in the imperfections in life. and it's nice to know that everyone's life isn't wrapped up in a neat little bow at the end of every post.

i know what you mean about the "blogland" competition. there are times i have to remind myself that my blog is for me and no one else. blogging should not be just another thing to make you feel inadequate, but something that makes you happy and is therapeutic and beautiful.

and by the way, whenever anything or anyone hurts your heart {whether that's a comedian or a movie or magazine or song} turn it off/put it down and walk away. i've learned to do that and while it takes some effort sometimes, you are WORTH IT. you are worth only the things that lift you up and make you feel alive. :) i hope you know that <3

Beka said...

[gosh, i love how encouraging charla beth is:]

"a broken, scratched record"--that part....yeah, it hurts a ton but once in a while it turns out that we need to go over that thing more times than we want to tolerate.

heck yeah, i agree with the "grass is greener" thing. it's true. but we all have to live with ourselves, and we all have issues inside even if things look 98% prettydarnawesome everywhere else for some.

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