July 24, 2011

Troubles

I'll never forget that scene. Never. I remember how he leaned down on his hands and knees, and began scrubbing the kitchen floor. He'd never done it before and he hasn't done it since. And I knew, deep in my stomach, that he was doing it out of guilt. That was his admission to me, even though he hadn't said it out loud yet. And my heart sank lower than it ever had before.

This is our strange, sad anniversary of when we almost fell apart- where we did fall apart, but tried to put ourselves back together again. I wish I could ignore it and pretend like it never happened. Most days, that's what we seem to do. But one year later, despite the progress we tell ourselves we've made and the obstacles we've overcome, my mind still aches thinking about it. It's like everyone is fine...except me.

It seems like I was a naive girl, living a pretty life that looked like a Pinterest board full of pretty things, good intentions, and big, wide ideals. Somewhere along the way, I turned into a girl who's learned the weight of a bad word in her mouth, who's learned to crave a cigarette when she's stressed, and who has shut the bathroom door and cried more than she's cared to admit. Whose self confidence, if it were ever there, crumbled up and faded like a wilted flower. Whose actions have often been driven by anger, which was fueled by pure white, searing hurt. It's ugly, and I hate typing it out in black and white.

Everything I've read about my situation tells me that I'll never forget it or get past it, but that it is possible to have a happy marriage despite these things. I wonder how. That seems like nonsense. I've begged for permission to be allowed to feel these things, to express them when I need to- but now what? After a while, I could recite these things to myself and even I would get tired. In fact, I do. I am tired. I am tired of this story that seems to go up and down and backwards and forwards and never have a happy ending. A resting place, even.

I haven't written this bluntly in a long time, but the calendar's quickly flipping towards all those dates I could recite like my family's birthdays. Only, there's nothing joyful in these days. There's just grief. Grief, a little disbelief still, and a pessimism I cannot seem to shake no matter how hard I try. Of course I want to be happy. Of course I want things to magically heal. But getting to that point seems to require more pieces from my heart than I can afford to give.

I used to be sure about the future. Now I wonder, day to day, what tomorrow will bring. What life will look like a year from now. There's more fear than anything else. I can't say I feel any more put together than I did a year ago, and that's what frightens me. I'm not sure how long I can be this strong, or this dismissive, or this sad.

I want to tell all of you that things are perfect. But I'm not a liar.

12 kind comments from you:

beka said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
beka said...

firstly, the writing in this is amazing. it points right to a hurt and touches the wound, we can almost feel it.
actually, we kind of do.
secondly, i've really got no words....but i'll be praying, love.

Skinnie Piggie said...

I agree with Beka about your writing, it is amazing. I'm praying for you, for your family.

Kerry said...

Wow, powerful words. Beautifully written. I am sorry you have to feel this way. There seems to be alot of sadness there...Best wishes to you x

Deanna said...

(hugs)You truly are an amazing, talented writer...and of course wonderful mom to little Millie...and I can only assume wonderful wife to Sky. I hope everything can settle out soon so that you can find some peace. Hate to see you in so much pain!

Mama McD said...

I haven't been through it myself, but I do have two friends who have been through it and come through the other side stronger than ever. It can be done, but good couples counseling is a HUGE help.

Hang in there. Praying for you.

jamila said...

i wish you the very, very best. you deserve to be happy, don't ever doubt that. i thought you might like the quote that's currently on my desktop:
"once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it." -elizabeth gilbert

so keep swimming, girl! i hope it all works out.

ines said...

hugs!

Doc's Girl (Noel) said...

I've been in your shoes. We're slowly but surely getting past it. Counseling has REALLY helped. If you want to talk more about it with someone who's been there done that, Shoot me an email. I'd be happy to talk, or just listen ♥

It's hard. REALLY hard. And he's had his work cut out for him, but with time, we're moving past it. I haven't forgotten, I never will. I haven't even completely forgiven, but I'm working on it.

Marriage is a lot like a garden. You have to tend it and pay attention to get it to flourish. If you stop tending it, it stops flourishing and begins to wilt. However, with the right amount of love and nourishment, it CAN bounce back and be just as beautiful as before.

Renee said...

Each day you make it is another day of hope. You will never forget what happened but you will find that, eventually, it will become less prominent in your memory bank. If you have forgiven then you can rebuild. It obviously won't take a year..but you are doing it.

The New "Normal" said...

Hugs and prayers go out to you. You are a wonderful writter and awesome mom. Hang in there...

charla beth said...

despite the great sadness behind this post, i first wanted to say that the way you wrote this...is incredible. it is so heartbreakingly honest that it's beautiful.

secondly, i am so sorry. i have no idea what you went through before and no idea what you're going through now. but just know that it's okay to be angry. it's okay to work through your hurt, to feel the things you feel, to admit that you feel the way that you do. it's okay to not be fine. hurts so deep cannot be healed on a timeline.

it sounds like a long painful season and i can't even imagine. i hope you will find peace soon--that resting place you're looking for.

you are loved.

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