August 4, 2011

A Year's Time

I have opened Blogger every day this week. I've sat and stared at the white screen, the blinking cursor waiting impatiently for me to begin. And nothing happens. I close the page, open up the screen with all the blogs I follow, and read everyone else's thoughts instead.

It's strange living a life I have no faith in. All marriages start with that hope, that unshakable knowledge that nothing can break the relationship- until it gets broken. I don't have faith in ours anymore, and it's spilled out into every part of my life. Eating and sleeping have become a joke. Having a 24 hour period without horrible thoughts or nightmares has become impossible. I used to spend so much time worrying about the next deployment. Now I wonder if we'll make it that far. I think both of us would be relieved at the thought of a year apart.

Everything is glazed with apathy right now. I have wanted to post Millie's birthday photos, but none of them seem good enough. I've wanted to find out if I won the scholarship I applied for, but I'm too worried I didn't get it to investigate. I have put in so much effort during the past year, and I feel like I don't have any energy left. I am tired of being the only one who cares.

I recently found a blogger who is struggling with a very similar situation- except struggling isn't the word. She's found some sort of peace, because she's moved past the ugly things. She's had another child with her husband, she's madly in love with him, and she assures her readers that it's possible to be happy again. I looked at their family photo, with four smiling faces, and felt such a disgust for the man in the picture. She's forgiven someone that stabbed her in the heart, and yet I'm angry at a stranger?

Life seems exactly as it was a year ago. The only difference now is a year's amount of time to prove that things haven't improved. How much longer are we supposed to wait?

9 kind comments from you:

Goodnight moon said...

I'm so sorry you are going through such a difficult time right now in your marriage and life. I know it may seem like you are all alone, but you aren't! You know that I am always here for you....remember...I've been through it too!

I promise you, your life WILL get better! You may not be able to see that, or visualize it right now...but it will! One day, all the answers will just come to you and you will know what needs to be done. Sometimes, what needs t be done is the hardest thing imaginable.

You are a strong women! Sending you hugs!!!!!!! And if you need me...I'm here for you;)

Erinn said...

I think if you give someone the opportunity to make a turn around from a past mistake and they don't take that chance to make some real changes then they aren't woth any more time then what it took to realize that you are probably waiting for nothing.

There is something my mom told me once and it is something I always pass on to people who face struggles which affect their wellbeing significantly...I hope it helps at least a little.

-You have to take care of yourself first. If you cannot take care of yourself then there is no way you will be able to take care of anyone else.

I hope you find faith and clarity in whatever decisions you make and above all that you do what is best for you and millie.

Mrs. Wookie said...

I have no real advice or words of comfort, which make me feel useless to you, but I wanted you to know how strong and beautiful you are. Life is never fair and always kind, yet you are persisting through with amazing faith and stride and I wish you the absolute best. The hike up is always hard, and I've wanted to give up, but there's something about pushing through the mindfuck and getting to where you need to me.

And if that doesn't work, call me and I'll pour some shots of vodka. ;)

beka said...

i wish i had words.
all i have are prayers. <3
painful times and wounds that never disappear...they suck. that's the truth.

The New "Normal" said...

I wish I had advice or comforting words to send your way, my heart hurts for you! Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. You are an amazing woman, stay strong and I pray that things will look brighter for you soon. *hugs*

Skinnie Piggie said...

I feel so guilty for the anxiety/panic attacks I've been having while you are seriously living a day-to-day struggle. I don't understand why things happen, or why we go through what we go through, all I know is that God does have a plan (and believe me, I'm struggling and crying out to him everyday lately asking him why, and what I am suppose to be learning form this- so this isn't just a "fluffy saying") I pray answers come your way.

ines said...

i wish i could say something to make you feel better or give you a hug and tell you everything will be ok.

i hope everything in your life starts to look brighter!

big hugs!

Ashley D. said...

I know our situations are different, as you know, but I do think of you often. I know you are doing your best to be strong and I admire you, because you have been an encouragement to me. Hang in there, girl.

Elizabeth said...

Here is the question would you and your daughter be happier starting fresh and walking away. Rather than living with the day to day dread that he will hurt you again.

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