I have opened Blogger every day this week. I've sat and stared at the white screen, the blinking cursor waiting impatiently for me to begin. And nothing happens. I close the page, open up the screen with all the blogs I follow, and read everyone else's thoughts instead.
It's strange living a life I have no faith in. All marriages start with that hope, that unshakable knowledge that nothing can break the relationship- until it gets broken. I don't have faith in ours anymore, and it's spilled out into every part of my life. Eating and sleeping have become a joke. Having a 24 hour period without horrible thoughts or nightmares has become impossible. I used to spend so much time worrying about the next deployment. Now I wonder if we'll make it that far. I think both of us would be relieved at the thought of a year apart.
Everything is glazed with apathy right now. I have wanted to post Millie's birthday photos, but none of them seem good enough. I've wanted to find out if I won the scholarship I applied for, but I'm too worried I didn't get it to investigate. I have put in so much effort during the past year, and I feel like I don't have any energy left. I am tired of being the only one who cares.
I recently found a blogger who is struggling with a very similar situation- except struggling isn't the word. She's found some sort of peace, because she's moved past the ugly things. She's had another child with her husband, she's madly in love with him, and she assures her readers that it's possible to be happy again. I looked at their family photo, with four smiling faces, and felt such a disgust for the man in the picture. She's forgiven someone that stabbed her in the heart, and yet I'm angry at a stranger?
Life seems exactly as it was a year ago. The only difference now is a year's amount of time to prove that things haven't improved. How much longer are we supposed to wait?