January 3, 2012

2

We were desperate. We knew well enough that every fight could be our last.  I sighed the same words over and over until even I tired of them- I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't think I can. I can't, I can't

But soon, in a handful of days, it will be two years since the vows- even the ones bent or broken and soldered back together again. Because sometimes the biggest vow is keeping them after they've been broken. To take what was thrown out, and plant it, sitting on the cold ground beside it, waiting for rain and hoping something good will grow. 

It will be two years with a different last name. Two years of seeing the absolute best and worst of each other. Two years of holding on, if only by a couple thin fingers that seemed to be slipping out of grasp. Only in Hollywood is a two year marriage seen as a triumph, as a victory. And to those who don't know our story, the day will pass by without any thought to the two young kids from Illinois who are still together in spite of themselves. But we beat the odds- of people who have been though what we've been though, of military couples whose soldiers have seen war, and of the general population who only makes it to the finish line half of the time.


Our hearts remember, though- every twist and turn and detour is written on them- our own little history books we'll always carry. And while it means that certain things may always be haunting reminders, it also means we understand where our scars came from. I wonder how much we would appreciate had life been easier.


Two years. There's a balance that we have found and are still finding every day. I heat up bigger portions for dinner than he has room for and he eats them anyway. And he makes me watch every deleted scene and making-of parts of every DVD we watch.  I explain the plot of a book to him, and he explains the science of something to me. He reminds me to slow my pace a little and enjoy the moment. I'm a mother and he's a father to our sweet daughter. Something that was wrapped in pain has become something of beauty.    


I don't know that I ever will be able to look back on it all and understand. How it all happened, how we came back together in the end, or how long the process took and still takes. But maybe, when I am much older, and watching Millie's own children play on the floor beside her, I can tell her. I could tell her what she'll surely already know by then- that life is unpredictable, sometimes fickle, and still beautiful. And that we almost didn't have the family she knew. But that something was rooted in our hearts stronger than reason, and that God watched over us. That we were blessed.

And though many marriages stay broken, we took 'the road less traveled by.


And that has made all the difference.' 

(photo my own)

20 kind comments from you:

Birdie said...

I love this post so hard. I know how just holding on feels. And I know how much it means to get past that. I hope the worst is over for good for you :)

Snoopy's Sweetheart said...

You spoke perfectly. I almost wish there were a "like" button for blogs, because that's all I have to say. :)

Fran said...

There's always an easier route than holding on when things hit rock bottom, but I believe, in the end, you come out way stronger than those who had the straight, nicely paved road.

Noelani said...

What a lovely post :)

Mrs. H said...

The most beautiful things in life are the ones that have been refined and placed in the fire. Diamonds are made in the very same way :) You are quite the amazing lady!

Reccewife said...

Awe, I love this :)

Ashley said...

I love this post. In ways our hearts are intertwined. Thank you again for sharing your heart. 2 years is a milestone. One to be proud of :)

Skinnie Piggie said...

Congratulations. You deserve more than that word... but it's all I can give. I hope you two get to celebrate!

Kaylee said...

My heart is happy for you two. Through the blog, I have heard it has not been easy, these last 2 years, but you have worked through them, held on, and I am proud of you. Happy 2 years!

The New "Normal" said...

Such a beautiful post. Every year of marriage is something to celebrate, a milestone, something to be proud of. Some years are harder than others, some more beautiful. I can remember times earlier in our marriage, for likely different reasons than your own, where I said the same thing, "I can't do it anymore." I didn't want to. But I did, just like you. We took the road less traveled and it truly has turned into something incredibly beautiful. You are right when you say the scars remind you of where you have been. They remind us of what we've overcome and how strong we really are, that we can get through anything if we are willing and stick together. We are at 10 years now.
You have a beautiful family. What a wonderful milestone for you as a couple, you have every right to be proud of yourselves for sticking it out through the tough times! So many give in at the signs of trouble, but the truly beautiful relationships stay true to the vows they took and commit to working together. Congrats and blessings for many more happy years!
(Sorry for the long, rambling comment!)

Allie said...

I do love this entry. Congrautlations on your milestone with many more to come.

Mrs.B said...

Love this. You and your words are always so beautiful and I know I tell you that all the time but seriously. Your posts leave me speechless yet knowing exactly how you feel.

congratulations you two.. and here's to A LOT more years to come! :)

beka said...

that photo you took is stunning.
and this post...it made me cry.
goodness. ♥

Julie @ Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life said...

Happy Anniversary :)

Ashley said...

Wow, I really loved this post. So vulnerable and true! Congrats on two and many more to come. I love your line about life being unpredictable, such truth!

lindsay said...

that photo is breathtaking. the road less taken always presents itself with challenges that many don't want to face, but those hardships refine and make you a stronger and more resilient person, and couple. congratulations on two years, and so many more in the future :)

❈ Annie - Blonde Glambition ❈ said...

I LOVE Robert Frost! Happy Anniversary! This is a beautiful post...it shows your strength and understanding of love.

Anonymous said...

That was beautiful. At first, I read a couple sentences, and I felt I had to read more. And mind you, I HATE to read. But I felt like I was reading one of the inspirational romance novels I used to read before sewing started taking so much of my time! It was truly beautifully written! You should, seriously, invest in a good little laptop, and begin a book!!! I would definitely buy a copy!

michelle marie said...

I stumbled across your blog today and have been incredibly moved by your story and by your writing. You have such amazing talent and you show such strength despite all the difficulties you've been through with your family. I don't even know you but I truly admire you and wish you all the best in life going forward because I am sure that you deserve it. Thank you for sharing your story.

chambanachik said...

Michelle,
I wasn't able to reply to you through email, but I wanted to thank you for such a sweet comment. I really appreciate it.
-Erika

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