This is the kind of post that left me hovering over the publish button for a long time before clicking it. Forgive me ahead of time.
I watched the ball drop last night, and my heart sank with it. I saw the lights and glitter burst and then fade out, and reflected over the last year. I found myself in tears. They weren't the nostalgic, happy tears I wanted to cry, either. These tears were sad and even a little bitter. I thought about the dreams I had for myself- the ones I have had for a long time, but grew stronger over 2011- and how I hadn't come close enough to taste them or even feel them brush against my hand. Instead of becoming more of who I want to be, I feel like I've been pushed in the opposite direction.
It wasn't for a lack of desire. It seems like so many successful people preach that we need only want something badly enough, and we can get it, or that hard work alone will make us successful. They leave out the part about luck, I think. The things I want (and not things, as in something I could buy, but goals) I have wanted so deeply, so fiercely. I have worked towards them in every single way I know how, and still have ended up without at the end of the year. My college degree is one of those things, but I haven't been able to take a single class since the summer of 2009. I hate it, and I hate even more that there seems to be no way around it. I know a few other bloggers who have wanted something just as badly (and some, I know, even more), and were empty handed on New Year's, too.
Here's the truth of it- I'm scared to hope. It hasn't gotten me very far in the past. I see everyone's optimism for 2012, and I truly envy it, but sometimes I look in the mirror and think, "You're 27, and you've only gotten this far in life? What have you actually done?" That girl looks the same as the 26 year old, the 25 year old, etc. I search for ways she's grown, but come up empty.
Crying over a silly blog post isn't the way I had hoped to spend New Year's Day, and I apologize if I sound ungrateful. I know I am blessed. In some ways, I wish I could switch off that ache in me that wants to grow and run farther, but it doesn't work that way- or if it does, I still wouldn't do it.
I don't want to be the girl with potential, the girl with hope. I want to be the girl that did it, instead of the girl who dreamed it. I want to be the girl who doesn't cry when the ball drops at the end of 2012.