November 22, 2012

Unthankful



"These are the times that try men's souls." 


You aren't supposed to be bitter on Thanksgiving. It's a time meant for naming your blessings, for knowing how good you have it and how much worse it could really be. It's the day to set aside little troubles and be purely grateful for life and all it brings.

But two things happened this week that soured me. The first was a ringing phone, and the Army was on the other end. They informed Sky he will be going to school (AIT) soon. It's a necessary and good part of his Army career. After this comes opportunity for advancement. All I could do was look at my belly that's slowing forming into a bump, and think "He probably won't feel a kick." I thought of what our family has gone through these past weeks. It's a lot to handle in a good situation. But we're not in one right now. He'll be gone for months, and while I'm not scared to do this by myself, I am scared for us. For our family.

And then I woke up on Thanksgiving to an email about my debit card. Some heartless person stole the number and charged a couple hundred dollars in their personal shopping spree. It comes right before rent is due. It's money we don't have.

So when the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade clicked on, tears began to pour down my face. The weight of all we've been through finally started to sink into my emotions. I looked at the balloons floating in New York City, and consciously said in my thoughts, "I'm not thankful. I'm mad. I'm tired of life being so hard."

Our Thanksgiving meal with family was delicious, and it was nice to see each other for a while. I still had that feeling, though- the one with the cry caught at the back of your throat, the kind that is ready to let out the moment someone asks, "How are you?"

After the day was over, Millie and I got in pajamas, draped a blanket around us, and watched A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving in the dim living room light. She leaned back against me, breathing in and out slowly, lazily twirling my hair around in her fingers while she chatted about Snoopy. Her footie pajamas cuddling next to me kept both of us warm. It was at that moment I felt my heart soften a little, and when she asked if I was happy (as she often does, for whatever reason), I said, "Yes. Because I have you. You're my baby." She smiled and played with my hair a little more.

And I thought, maybe some years are harder than others to be thankful. Though we're taught to appreciate all we have, no matter what, it just isn't as easy sometimes. I had felt guilty most of the day, watching everyone else talk about all the good. I couldn't do it. I hope, though, as long as I have that moment, it still counts. Maybe that moment is enough. Because it is those kind of moments I live for. They are what soothes my heart in a way I can't even try to name.

15 kind comments from you:

The New Normal said...

{hugs} and prayers

Karen said...

Sending much love and prayers your way.

Diana said...

Please let me know if you need anything.

erin said...

Beautifully written. I am thankful for you sharing your authentic, beautiful soul with the world. So much love coming your way. <3

beka said...

<3
sigh.
sending so much love and prayers your way.
i'm so glad you *do* have that little sweetheart named millie.

Jessica Lynn said...

thinking of you guys.

Warrior Wife said...

I hate shitheads who steal. I hope you get your money back soon and the bank finds whoever stole your money.

I'm not scared for you. You will *own* this trying time in your life. My prayer for you is that the time apart from Sky will tell you all you need to know about your marriage and what direction it should take. What he does while away will be the truth. It sucks it's during this pregnancy, but you take care of your family. I think you are a great mom. Millie seems so smart from all you share about her. Don't doubt yourself.

But it shouldn't be this hard and I hate it for you, at the end of the day. It makes me angry that your spouse chose these tough times for you. You deserve better. But I do believe it's waiting for you. Love and hugs, Erika. We believe in you!

Holly said...

It is okay to feel this way. This is real and you have to be real with yourself. Things aren't good right now, but they will eventually get better. I know that's probably not the best thing I could say, but I am just realistic. When it rains it pours, but the sun always comes back out! Hope the sun comes back out for you very soon!

No Model Lady said...

That is horrible!! It seems like we always have money issues at the worst possible time. Of course, when you're on a tight budget there really is NO good time to have someone buy what they want on your dime. Whatever changes are in store for you and your family, focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. It's there. It's hard to get to it and it's okay to sit down and wallow for a bit but you just have to keep going. It really does all work out.

Chantal said...

You're in my thoughts!

Kim said...

Thinking of you and your family. Hugs <3

Sarah said...

Ugh. I'm sorry. What sucky things to happen around the holidays!! I definitely think there are times when I'm not as thankful as I should be. When Joe was deployed, I'm pretty sure I was cranky throughout the holidays. It's hard sometimes!!

Also, do you know how long his AIT might be? Joe's was 23ish weeks, and I was actually able to move there with him. I don't know if Sky's is a similar situation, but maybe there's hope!

Our Little Fam said...

Praying for you and your family. Millie is so darling, you are a great momma!

jax from the harmon squad said...

Big hugs!! And you are amazing. You may not feel it, but you are.

Pat @ Mille Fiori Favoriti said...

I hope things get better for you soon. You daughter is the best gift life can give you and I know you are doing all you can to give her a happy life --that's what counts in the end. {{hugs}}

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