January 22, 2013

Hearts Apart

"Your absence has gone through me 
Like thread through a needle. 
Everything I do is stitched with its color." 
— W.S. Merwin

The first day was surprisingly hard. When I tucked Millie into bed, she asked me to read "Goodnight Moon". I sighed and told her we would tomorrow. She looked at me and said, "Daddy read Goodnight Moon?" I had to remind her that he was at the Army school now. I usually say a quick prayer and turn off her light, but she's got him so wrapped around her finger that every time he puts her to bed, it's a lengthy production that includes reading her favorite book. It's clear already how much she misses her father.

A few days ago, I received one of those weekly emails detailing all the things the baby can do now and how they are growing. This week, the baby is yawning, seeing light, making faces, and hearing sounds outside. It made me think about how Sky's voice won't be heard in this house for a while. I'm just now beginning to believe I'm feeling the baby kick and roll, and while it's exciting, I know the night will come when I see the kicks outside and wish he was here to put his hand over my stomach and feel it, too.

I've had lots of support from my family in all of this, and a friend is coming with me to the sonogram this week. I don't know what I would do without the help. Still, it hasn't been easy. I don't think spending months apart from my husband is supposed to be easy. Yet, at the end of the day? I'm glad he's gone.

No wife should say that, I suppose, but it's the simple truth. Because no matter how much a marriage has to depend on more than feelings, it's hard to go on that long term- that pure commitment without affection or romance. We've spent much of our marriage in that hazy, uncertain place, and it's uncomfortable at best. But now, with the two of us in different states going through different days, I have feelings again- feelings I had all but forgotten. I miss him. I said before how I hoped this absence would make my heart grow fonder, and much to my surprise, it has. He's been gone three weeks, and while the days are going by quickly so far, the wistfulness is there. I wish he was home tonight. But for now, I am glad that he's not. Maybe the two of us needed to be apart to fall back together.

And maybe sometimes, the most surprising things can do your heart a world of good.

12 kind comments from you:

Jen said...

So glad that you are having those feelings again. :) It is definitely true that distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Gina Norman said...

usually the surprising and places you don't want to go, do your heart good, you are being refined my friend!

how long is he gone for?

Taylor @ DearOlympia.com said...

Well said. When Nate and I were going through two tough years, I went home to visit family and it gave my a fresh perspective and a repreive.

Lydia said...

I feel like every couple NEEDS to have some kind of distance for however long. It really does bring everything in perspective and makes you appreciate even the little things.

Chantal said...

Sometimes it takes them leaving for you to realize you miss them.

Michelle said...

So true. I'm hoping the time apart gives you both time to reflect, heal, and grow closer together.

Michelle said...

Beautiful. Time apart can definitely be good, and I pray it helps you heal. Thinking of you and hope you're doing well.

Kim said...

That quote is beautiful. I definitely believe that distance makes the heart grow fonder. So happy you have friends and family with you. :)

Fran said...

As everyone's already said, time apart can sometimes be a very good thing. It makes you miss 'em and stuff ;)

Steph said...

What a great post! Absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

beka said...

again....your writing. gosh. so good.
and her wanting daddy to read a book to her...heart-wrenching.

MrsMcDancer said...

Absence can definitely make the heart grow fonder. Sometimes I find I need to find myself again in order to really be present in my marriage.

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