Coffee With You

{Walter on the left and Millie on the right.
Most of the time I don't think they look much alike, but in these pictures? Oh yes.}

"Everything in the world is here, in my room, 
in a great closet, named and orderly,
and I am here too, in front of it, 
hardly able to see for the flash and the brightness-
and sometimes I am that madcap person clapping my hands and singing;
and sometimes I am that quiet person down on my knees.” 
― Mary Oliver

 I feel like I'm often better at talking about the small things than I am the big picture. But if you wanted to come over one afternoon while the babies slept, sit next to me on the couch with a cup of coffee, and ask me how life has been- really been- since the last time we talked, I would take a sip from my mug and tell you something like this...

Walter was dedicated at church on Saturday. He wore his most adorable outfit to date- suspenders and a bow tie. I didn't think I would have much fun finding adorable boy clothes, to be honest. But while they are much harder to find sometimes, they melt my heart every bit as much as poofy dresses and sparkly headbands. Millie tried to climb on stage in front of the entire congregation while the pastors prayed over Walter. I'll be a little shocked if she's not a singer or comedian on stage someday.

{All dressed up for church}

Sky began his new job last month. He works for a military-style program for at risk teens, and has a sort of "nice drill instructor" role there. Everyone with his job has to have current or prior military experience, so he has a lot in common with the other instructors. So far, he seems to like it much better. There is quite a bit of overtime, but he'll actually have time off for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. He's doing well in the Reserves too, and will have some training coming up that will keep him away for at least a month after the holidays.

We're gearing up for Christmas and already put our tree up, shockingly early from tradition. I asked my parents if they would mind helping with a ballet class rather than buy lots of toys this year; Millie's room is full to the brim, and I'm wanting to concentrate more on building memories and having experiences than just piling up presents. This year, she'll unwrap a pink leotard, tights, and the sweetest ballet shoes. She starts class right after the new year. We'll be giving her a few other small things to open, but they'll be second hand. Walter will be getting a couple second hand toys and books, but mostly useful things like containers for food when he starts solids in a month or two.

{Finding his feet}

I'm in awe that Walter will be six months just about on Christmas Day, and that Millie is 3 1/2 already. Most days are are still the coffee-fueled blur of every day tasks that really do get done even if I don't feel like they do. I'm doing better at seeing the miracles of mundane because if it's enough for Sky, Millie, and Walter, then it should be enough for me. We eat, wear clean clothes, have a reasonably tidy house, and make it to church most weeks. Walter is happy and Millie is learning the meanings of words, manners, and how to love God. That sounds like I'm setting the bar very low, but really, those things are my main job requirements as a stay at home mother. I have so much room to improve, but I'm not being as hard on myself as before.

{Millie set the table for the first time}

Marriage is...not good right now. I so long for it to be a place of comfort and good things, but it seems to be the opposite much of the time. I am tired of building only to have my work demolished. And my heart's been hurting a lot lately. That's really all I want to say about it.

My mom and stepdad went completely overboard for Christmas this year, and sent me a present early this year- a Kitchenaid mixer. I am surprised someone didn't call the police from all the screaming and jumping up and down when I opened the door and saw a huge box there. Five years ago, I could only bake a little and couldn't cook to save my life. Now, I make meals every day, and usually have some sort of dessert on hand. I can't wait to use it for all kinds of Christmas baking. As I told Mom (after I'd stopped hyperventilating), a Kitchenaid is one of those things I've always wanted but never (ever ever ever) thought I would actually own. I look at it on the counter sometimes and wonder if I'm in the wrong apartment.

{Airplane baby}

I planned to go back to school in January, but keeping up with the babies and the house, and on very little sleep, is much more draining than I expected it to be. I will go back, but it may be another semester or two before it's a good idea. Besides, Millie will need to start homeschooling soon enough.

Walter is miles away from sleeping through the night, but he's started stretching times between feedings just a little. He has had the same routine since birth, so this is very welcome. I don't feel more rested yet, but I know he'll get there someday. He's still the happiest baby I've ever seen, and that makes my days so much better. Millie is behaving a little bit better, and she is still a sweetheart even with a rough day here and there. I love how kind she is towards Walter, how concerned she gets if someone is upset or hurt, and all the silliness in her made up songs or off the wall anecdotes. I'm so grateful for these two.

{the sweetest ones}

Goodness. If you were still sitting there beside me, still listening until I trailed off and bit into my gingerbread cookie, I would apologize for talking so much. I would ask how you are, where you're going, what you're reading, how your heart feels. 

And I hope you would tell me, trading stories between us like the gold they are.