January 16, 2014

We're Here


"The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer."

Today, Sky and I have been married for four years. Four years from that snowy, January day when we made so many promises, and went out for Italian food that night to celebrate. Four years of everyday. Four years of striving. Four years of memories, both beautiful and broken.

I am the kind of girl who craves fanfare on milestone days. Whether it's a holiday, birthday, or anniversary, I want the decorations or the food or whatever it is that comes along with the celebration. But Sky is working a lot of overtime this week and next; I mentioned that his civilian job was basically that of a drill sergeant, and the new recruits just started, so he's only been home to sleep a few hours before he goes back for another long day.

And then, of course, there is where we've been lately. A lonely, confused place. I asked him a few nights ago if we'd ever had a happy anniversary. "No," he said quietly.

A dear friend is going through marriage problems. And she talked about celebrating her anniversary in a quiet way. A way that hopes more than expects. A way that doesn't make unnecessary demands on the day, but simply says, "We've arrived at this day. We're here." In some way, maybe that's more meaningful than celebrating four years of easy happiness. It took so much of my heart- no, all of it- to make it this far. It took all my strength to be here.

Today, Sky and I will be apart. There won't be a romantic candlelit dinner, bouquet of roses, or a sentimental Hallmark card. But there will be the beginning of another year of marriage. Another year of being a family. That's still significant.

I hope our life together gets sweeter. I hope our days get happier. I hope we remember how our hands fit together again, and how it felt on that first day of promises.

For now, we're here. And for today, that's enough.

15 kind comments from you:

Jamie said...

Sending positive thoughts your way.

Jen said...

I hope things get better. ((Hugs))

Chantal said...

This reminds me of the song, "Beautiful Mess" by Jason Mraz. Have you heard it? I don't know why, but it popped into my head. Probably because he says "Here we are" a lot. Anyway, you should listen. I hope you find peace.

Mrs. K said...

Hope...not expectation. That's a beautiful thought. We spent our anniversary weekend with company. Then when we did go out to eat later on to celebrate, the night was soured b/c of some work problems J had right before we got in the car to go. I'm going to try to remember this next year.

Mrs.B said...

We've spent many anniversary's in a place where we weren't sure if our marriage would see the next. This year will probably be the happiest anniversary yet. It's hard at times. Especially in the Military world. I hope for nothing but the best for you, Sky, and those sweet babies of yours. Happy Anniversary, Erika.

Amanda said...

Happy Anniversary! It may not be a truly happy place this year, but it is a day to cherish none the less. I hope those babies bring happiness to your day that may otherwise be lacking. Stay strong my friend.

Jen said...

Hugs!!!! Always sending love your way.

Brittany Sommer said...

Hope is what keeps our heads above water. I am thinking about you and your family. Happy Anniversary just the same!

Sue // As It Seems said...

To me an anniversary is the celebration of the beginning of a family. I hope for you that things progress to a happy place in your relationship. You deserve the easy happiness.

Fran said...

I love that thought, hope instead of expectation. Love you sweet friend <3

Michelle said...

I get this, and I love it. You are so strong.

beka said...

"A way that hopes more than expects. A way that doesn't make unnecessary demands on the day, but simply says, "We've arrived at this day. We're here." In some way, maybe that's more meaningful than celebrating four years of easy happiness. It took so much of my heart- no, all of it- to make it this far. It took all my strength to be here."

all that made me tear up.
i don't read blogs on my phone, and we don't have wifi at our rented little house so i can't keep up with the few that i would SO love to keep up with --like yours!!-- i swear, if i read your beautiful, true, tender writing every other day, i wouldn't be drifting so out of touch with the small, small writer part of me.
sigh.

this is so good. <3
and happy anniversary!

Alissa said...

This is beautiful. Thank you for being honest about where you are. It's extremely brave and refreshing.

Melissa Gilliam Shaw said...

What a devoted way to look at your marriage; to remember that even when there aren't sparks, you're committed to one another. I really respect that devotion. I do hope that you find happier days together soon, though. Sending you warm thoughts...

Risha said...

Hello. I found your blog through Instagram. Your writing is moving and tender. It touches the heart.

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