"And all you want is to feel happy for them
because you know that if you do, then it means you’re happy, too."
The truth is, seeing them happy makes me sad.It's easy to imagine them when I'm not around, so my mind wanders, and wonders if she makes him laugh and if he makes her coffee. I wonder how often they fight, and if they make up with soft embraces or a bouquet of daises. I wonder if it is easy for them to act joyful around their children, because it isn't an act. I wonder if he dances with her in the kitchen, and if she cannot wait until he comes home at night.
I watch them recall the story of how they met with smiles, because it's a good memory that brought many more good memories later. I watch the glances they give, a secret language of knowing someone so well. I watch his hand on her waist and her arm behind his back, and how it looks so effortless and easy. I watch the way they talk, no strain in their voice from crying earlier that day. I wonder if she is content when she slides on her wedding ring in the morning.
Maybe they have had the privilege of fighting against something together as a team, as if it were them against the world. And win or lose, they made it through to the other side, a stronger bond formed because of it. Maybe it's not hard for them to sit across from each other in a cafe, and discuss their relationship, their passions, their dreams and goals. Maybe they have the pleasure of trusting that nothing will change. Maybe it feels comforting to feel for each other in the dark.
Someone, somewhere must have had the conversations that we have, and face the battle that we face, too.
But no one ever, ever talks about those things.
So instead, I look at her and at him, and study every small movement and gesture, wondering if there is any chance of being in love like that.
7 kind comments from you:
Aww Erika, I wish I could just wrap you in a huge hug and make it all better.
Continued prayers for you.
Hugs and prayers for you my friend.
Hugs, lots and lots of hugs. But also, your words are so beautiful. <3
Love you, friend. No one talks about these things, and they really do need to be talked about.
Always sending prayers. Nobody talks about these things and shares. But I feel almost every relationship goes through the rough patches that aren't shared with the rest of the world. It is just the extent of the rough patch that varies.
I know exactly how you feel right now. This post really spoke to me. Because no one talks about these feelings and how you wish SO hard that you could be in that position, a position of love and comfort. Hugs to you!!!!!
My heart breaks for you. I've been where you are. It's not easy. You're right no one ever talks about it. Jane has been blogging about it a teeny bit though. If you need anything you know where I am. <3
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