"And all you want is to feel happy for them
because you know that if you do, then it means you’re happy, too."The truth is, seeing them happy makes me sad.
It's easy to imagine them when I'm not around, so my mind wanders, and wonders if she makes him laugh and if he makes her coffee. I wonder how often they fight, and if they make up with soft embraces or a bouquet of daises. I wonder if it is easy for them to act joyful around their children, because it isn't an act. I wonder if he dances with her in the kitchen, and if she cannot wait until he comes home at night.
I watch them recall the story of how they met with smiles, because it's a good memory that brought many more good memories later. I watch the glances they give, a secret language of knowing someone so well. I watch his hand on her waist and her arm behind his back, and how it looks so effortless and easy. I watch the way they talk, no strain in their voice from crying earlier that day. I wonder if she is content when she slides on her wedding ring in the morning.
Maybe they have had the privilege of fighting against something together as a team, as if it were them against the world. And win or lose, they made it through to the other side, a stronger bond formed because of it. Maybe it's not hard for them to sit across from each other in a cafe, and discuss their relationship, their passions, their dreams and goals. Maybe they have the pleasure of trusting that nothing will change. Maybe it feels comforting to feel for each other in the dark.
Someone, somewhere must have had the conversations that we have, and face the battle that we face, too.
But no one ever, ever talks about those things.
So instead, I look at her and at him, and study every small movement and gesture, wondering if there is any chance of being in love like that.