May 26, 2009

"It Won't Get Greener if You Water It!"

could we have a moment?
could we have a moment?

it feels so real
i'm picking out a blossom
i pin it on the wall
it feels so real

i'm giving you a haircut
walking to the sushi bar
shopping at the goodwill
learning how to swing dance
and i sink so deep in you

Life is good. Seriously. I was hesitant to write this post, because the only thing worse than not having a good day is hearing about how someone else's was fabulous. Hearing the sound of laughter when I've been depressed made me want to run as far away from it as possible. I guess I've just never been on the laughter side before.

I've always been the person who thinks the grass is always greener on the other side. Not even that I'd be dissatisfied with my life compared to someone else's, but more like the life I had. Things seemed brighter five years ago, ten years ago, etc. High school feels like it was much less painful than what I know it really was. I would sigh for simpler times, being a little kid with no worries, when in all reality there were plenty of unpleasant things. Good things in life had to whiz past me before I could appreciate them. I was never able to feel like I could live in the here and now. Until now.

I haven't felt more 'present in the present'. Small things aren't taken for granted the way they were. I still have a lot of the same troubles or things I could worry about, but it seems like such a waste of time.

So instead, I can be thrilled that my best friend lives two streets over, and that we can take roaming walks. I love that we can walk in unexpected rain, plan rides in a rowboat for the weekend, stop to look at a fountain on the entrance of campus, and go to the roof of the arts building to find a graduation ceremony. I love that moving into this place means the anonymity of going to bed at 9 or staying out until 3. I love that I can still talk to friends from grade school all the way to ones who live a state away and still feel like I could call them if I need them. I love that I can prove them wrong when they say, "You can't ever go home again," when the airport still feels the same. I love that I have a life as public or as at home as I want it. And even though I want him back more than I want to breathe, I love the hope that comes with checking my email or waiting for a video screen to appear. I love the words he sends me, the quiet laughs, and the open-mouthed look he gets when he teases me. I love that he can type for 6 hours but turn on his microphone to tell me he loves me.

I feel every single thing now, and right as it happens. I taste it all, see it all, want it all. It's just about summer now- the flowers fully blooming, the air wet, the sweaters traded for tank tops.

And the grass? So very green.

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