June 4, 2009

Trial and the Inevitable Error

This is not the blog post for tonight.

I'd written the actual post in my head on the way home from dinner downtown. Something had made me laugh, which took me down memory lane, which, as always, was supposed to end up here, "on paper". There were the remember whens, the inside jokes, the 'what happened?', and a couple sweet moments. I would have gotten a couple smiles, perhaps.

Instead, I came home and practiced my normal routine lately. After the shower, I tumbled onto my bed and pulled my laptop closer for a mini marathon of the current DVDs from the library. But something I had thought of earlier (and kicked myself for) kept popping back into my head. I hit play, but hit pause a couple seconds later. I couldn't. I pulled my journal out.

By the time I had clicked my pen, I felt a mix of clarity, shame, and relief. I had explained my heart to my head or vice versa. Things didn't match up until I'd written them down, but as I was scribbling, I was suddenly understanding my actions. I don't know how to say this without sounding cryptic or dramatic. I guess I've learned something about myself that is not attractive at all.

What is it about looking at our own actions that is so difficult? We do it so rarely. We are always so quick to point out where everyone else is wrong. We assume we are right. But oftentimes, stepping back for a second could make a world of difference.

So take out a pen-no computers or texts, but a pen and a pad of paper. Put on some quiet Diana Krall in the background. Stand in front of the mirror. Tell yourself what you really see.

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