December 6, 2009

Tick Tock

My mom bought me a sackful of tops with stretchy, ballooned stomachs from Motherhood. Dad insisted on getting me What to Expect When You're Expecting. It is about on schedule, then, for me to have a pregnancy glow. I'm looking at the clock, waiting for it.

The truth is this- I just can't come to grips with this yet. I've read a million articles, bought baby name books, been congratulated again and again. I have been asked my due date over and over. I've been told every story true and not true, been given loads of (read:too much! Already!) advice, and this while the baby is still sesame seed size. But really, I cannot even fathom that. I skip beers though one sounds great, I take nothing but Tylenol even when my head throbs, and I've cut back on my lovely morning Mountain Dews. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, though. It's as if was cast as the role of "Erika, the pregnant girl".

Being pregnant is supposed to mean throwing up at the sight of certain foods, of getting a rounded belly that sticks over the edge of my jeans, and all the other classic signs. I have none of those yet. All I've felt so far is a unbelievable tiredness. If I hadn't taken 5 tests (6 if you count the one at the doctor's office), I would think I've fooled everyone and myself. There have been a couple times that even a pat or rub on my stomach from Sky felt like I was misleading him.

I'm ready to feel like I have a reason to be reading these books, that there is something to actually give Sky and I congratulations. I'm not saying all the symptoms to come will be met joyfully. But something would be nice, some substantial proof besides a few plus signs.

Something like a glow.

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