Grownups

Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that but simply growth.

We are happy when we are growing.

William Butler Yeats

Sky and I joked about the nice drinking glasses we got to replace all our plastic ones from various restaurants, and how we are now grown ups using real cups. But in reality, we are growing a lot lately- my growth also literally.

In this month alone, we are going to be packing up everything we own, and moving to a larger place with room for Chase and Ayden, and tiny nursery for this baby. That meant finding a someone to sublease our place, which we did the same day we found our new apartment. We will be finding out the sex soon. It seems like so much of life is packed into February. Then again, Sky and I have always had a weirdly fast-moving relationship, so I guess I should be used to this pace by now. We're both excited about the new apartment. I probably am more then he is, because I can't wait to feel more like it's our first place together, and I've made him promise to carry me over the threshold like a 1950s housewife. This house obviously holds special meaning for us, but it was mine before it was his. I can't wait to have a place with all of the same history. I can't wait to have to rush away from it when my water breaks, and come home to it with a newborn in our arms.

The baby is occupying more of my thoughts daily, as my stomach pokes out bigger than before. I've put away every single pair of pre-pregnancy pants, trading them in for pants with tabs and buttons and elastic everywhere. I think more and more about the layout of the nursery, the logistics of getting up at night to feed, the colors and themes that I want everything baby to have. I lie extra still at night, straining to feel the first flutters in my stomach. I've also been obsessed with the wait- 2 whole weeks- to find out what we're having. I am wanting to plan for things and buy things, yes- but what if we find out, and the slightest bit of me is disappointed? What if I want one more than the other and just don't know it yet? I'm a bit nervous that everything won't be normal, either; I purposefully refused the tests that check for things like Down's syndrome and cystic fibrosis- it wouldn't change me having and raising the baby, so there is no point in worrying about it. So I am nervous about the sonogram, and I hope it goes perfectly. Meanwhile, I am amazed that 16 weeks of pregnancy have already gone by.

It's weird turning a little like the parents I've secretly made fun of, and a little humbling. There's still the whole club situation that I don't think I'll ever understand...it is fascinating just how quickly I’ve become adopted into the club-the comments about it being ‘the most unique, special thing in the world, and no one can understand it unless they have been there.’ as if it’s some underground secret society, as if all parents are the same type of people, as if people can't fathom a deep love unless they're pregnant- something I resent hearing even while being pregnant. The questions of how far along I am, the warnings of the kind of sleep I will get (or won’t get) once the baby is born, the stories upon stories of their own kids, and oh, the labor stories. If the circumstances are right like mine, then having a baby can be one of the sweetest and most intimate things in a relationship, but I am finding out quickly that it is also one of the most public. Motherhood is already turning out to be an adventure...but so is everything with Sky Perez.