So It's Come to This

"if pain must come, may it come quickly [...]

waiting is painful. forgetting is painful.

but not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering."

— Paulo Coelho

Here I am, 39 weeks pregnant- my due date exactly one week away. I thought, at this point, I would have regular 'bouts' of contractions that would start to make me worry, only to fade. Instead, I've had one here or three there- some painful, but never any sort of pattern to make me get my hopes up.

And then tonight. I spent most of the day with my adorable niece and my dad- we went to a park, and to the season opening of a local orchard where I had my first job about 10 years ago. All day, as we walked around, I felt an odd and very intense pressure that I've never felt before. I had to walk slower and more deliberately. I sat down a lot. I ached. It hurt, but not in a way that could be defined as progress.

Or could it? I've spent most of the night crouched into a tight ball as the pressure grew and sharp pain joined it. I started to feel nauseous. I wasn't so much worried as I was wanting to get home from my dad's house and into bed. He insisted I call someone to get advice, not being so happy about the possibility of a birth in his bathroom. Labor and delivery, after what felt like 10 minutes of asking for my doctor's name, my name, my birth date, and my favorite color (well, almost), told me to grab some water and call if it got worse. Besides the thought of even drinking water making my stomach turn, I made a mental note to never call the hospital again, and show up unannounced when I need to- I had no patience for it, and I've worked at (this and other) hospitals before.

I'm a first timer. This translates, in the medical world, to having no idea about anything, and to 20 false alarms before any real need to be seen. It's true that I don't know what it's like to be in labor (hence the phone call), but I have a pretty good idea how much pain I can tolerate and if it's unusual to feel a certain way. I've since gotten sick, stood in the shower to calm myself down, and I've been lying down on my left side. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so I am hoping they can tell me things are progressing or at least give me an explanation for all of these things to come on so suddenly.

Like a lot of people, I've looked some of this up online to find someone who has had similar issues. Most things I've read act like these are signs of labor, but so is 'nesting'- no help, since I am a neat freak and have been perpetually cleaning my house for the last two weeks. I feel frustrated because I don't know if this pain is purposeful (which would be a lot easier to swallow) or random.

So, I clutch my lovely water bottle and mutter bad words when I think about the nurse who couldn't spell my last name. I do as I'm advised, and try to distract myself- lots of music videos, random web browsing, and blogging of course. I think about the possibility of my daughter being born in the next couple days or the next couple weeks. I call Sky and fume.

I never thought I would rush into pain so willingly, or volunteer with my hand up high to begin a long and slow process, but lord, do I want to go into labor and be done with this!