September 12, 2010

The Third Day

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past."
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Ugh. My enthusiasm with these 30 days has fizzled some. I have toyed with writing something else, because I don't feel like getting into this. But in the last few days, I've read other blogs detailing abusive relationships, burnout with kids, abortions, and anorexia. I have been amazed by the bravery of all the girls writing, so it's really only fair that I suck it up and talk about a few things I usually leave unsaid.

It's a gorgeous picture, right? Palm trees, sunshine, and a blue ocean stretching out forever- perfection? Not exactly. It's a resort in Jamaica. Was I happy while I was there? Not in the least.

The reason I was there was a wedding. Several years ago, I was in a relationship that ended up as a marriage. To this day, I have no idea how it was even a relationship. I didn't love that person. There were no feelings there whatsoever. In fact, I felt like I was being so mature and level headed, marrying someone despite the lack of...anything like love. I hate that I went through with it, and I hate that I was already divorced before I even began this blog. I don't believe in divorce at all- I think you either shouldn't get married in the first place, or you should work out your problems like adults- but there I was, doing everything I didn't believe in. And it sucked.

I don't talk about this ever, and once I'm done writing my post, it will be swept under the rug again forever. It's something I regret and it's something I wish I could forget and undo. So I guess it needs to be forgiven. I wish I could take back all the time and effort and money that was spent by myself and my family, and I wish I could have never had a different last name. Maybe the contrast makes things all the more important with Sky, though. I know what love feels like and I know what it doesn't feel like. I also gained a few friendships that have still stayed with me, and those friends helped me be brave enough to move on and find happiness- for that, I am eternally thankful.

Mmkay. Done. Moved on. Thanks.

2 kind comments from you:

Anonymous said...

We need the dumps to make things better though. I'm so proud of you for posting this! You are brave to face your fear :)

Nicholereo333 said...

Can I admit that I've been so curious since you came back to C-U

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