When You Dream It All Up

"Life is under no obligation to give us what we expect." 

— Margaret Mitchell

I'm having a cup of tea like my mom has advised in the past. I probably expect it to do much more than a cup of tea can do for anyone, but I'm drinking it dutifully anyhow.

It's been a rough day. I'm still awake when I wanted to be asleep hours ago, dealing with a baby who doesn't have a clue what time zone she's in, and missing my mom a lot after being down the hall from her for a month. I pictured a sweet reunion with Sky that would last hours after we pulled in the driveway, but instead, he's asleep and I'm rocking Amelia after giving up any hope of her napping. I'm tempted to feel regret already. I hate saying that, and I hate being so negative, but that's just the bare truth of my soul tonight.

I kind of feel lost. My house looks exactly as it did when I closed the front door in December, but it doesn't feel the same at all- or, maybe it does, and I'm not loving the feeling. It could just be the exhaustion of dragging luggage and a child through airports, or it could be the way reality always has a way of tricking me out of my expectations. I told myself I wouldn't have any, but they crept in regardless. I want to get this all out but somehow not put stock in it.

The thing is, I hoped for so much more. I hoped for some glorious, and probably, unrealistic change. The stupid, cheesy version of this afternoon, the one I had dreamed up for the last few days, included a joyful reunion, passionate kisses, tears, apologies and promises, and laying my head on my pillow with such vivid plans and goals for the rest of my life, our lives.

Instead, the world is turning off one bedside lamp at a time. My light will still be on for a long time.