Confession, Part Deux

Hers was a memory made up of snapshots [...]

A life made up of promises of what could be [...]

It was a life I didn't want to leave behind. 

It was a life I didn't want to forget. 

I wasn't done with it yet. There was so much more to say." 

— Maggie Stiefvater

I made up mind mind a few days back. I was moving to Oregon. With or without Sky, this would be my new home. I didn't want to announce it until things were settled, but that's what was going to happen.

I began looking for a job and submitting my resume, although there was a possibility/probability of a good one- a great one. It was a job as a personal assistant to the boss, which would include an iPhone for work and some coffee runs. I pictured myself as a cute character in a movie, because I didn't know those kind of jobs existed in real life. It would likely pay hundreds more than any job I'd qualify for in Illinois. (I started mentally shopping for an expensive purse and better-fitting jeans.) All of this is slightly laughable, since my main dream and goal is to be a stay at home mother. I started making plans and decisions, full steam ahead... and found myself absolutely miserable.

Every so often, I'd look out the window towards the mountains. They're beautiful, and surprisingly not constant- they change every day, depending on the light and fog. But they aren't home. I'm a Midwestern girl, and I crave total, boring flatness. I'd watch the Illinois basketball games, and get wistful when they showed the Assembly Hall lights in the darkness outside. I'd read our local paper and get fired up about certain headlines. I don't know how to explain the difference between extreme homesickness and knowing where you belong, but I felt it and feel it still.

Of course, I thought about Sky. After all, there are reasons I came out here- it wasn't for a nice winter vacation. I still don't know how things will turn out with us, but I know the distance is making it harder to talk in constructive ways and left us both frustrated. (I used to never understand how couples could fight during deployments- it makes more sense now.) I still love him, beyond anything that makes sense to me, beyond all the facts written out on paper. I hate that it's been a month since I've seen him, but I hate even more that he's missed a month of his daughter's life and so many big milestones.

Sleep was totally impossible, and I spent hours in bed wishing life were different. I started having panic attacks, which, to me, sound a bit silly, but definitely feel real. I had rounded the corner and made plans, but I felt ten times worse than I did before. I called my father and told him that I wanted to come home, but didn't know if it was wise. He said something simplistic and great like, "You might as well be where you want to be."

So I called Sky last night, and told him I was coming home. I explained that didn't wrap things up in a neat bow for us, but that it's what I need to do. If things don't work out, I will have to figure things out all over again and deal with them then. For now, I will be back in the place I love with people I love (although I will miss my mom here, of course). Sky and I will continue going to church and we'll be starting a young couples small group soon- a chance to make quality friends and get out of the house together. I have to figure out how to navigate towards explaining my feelings to him without letting them define me and ruin the day. He has to figure out how to not do stupid things. We have to figure out how to be a happily married couple again. If it is unfixable, we can say we tried and we can move on. I hope, for everyone's sake, that it is fixable.

My plane leaves bright and early on Tuesday.
I may lean down and kiss that Illinois soil when it lands.