March 18, 2011

Night

"She says nothing at all, but simply stares upward into the dark sky and watches,
with sad eyes, the slow dance of the infinite stars." 


Remember that morning a few days back, when I professed to you my new goal of some solitude and re-charging every day?

Yeah. That hasn't happened yet.

Tonight, I went to let out my dad's puppy (actually, mine- long story), and afterwards, just stood in the darkness, looking up at the moon. It was a full moon, the kind that illuminated the clouds pulled near it. There was so much quiet where I stood. I loved the way the perfect Illinois cornfields seemed endless with the moonlight hovering over them. I momentarily wished I could spend the night watching stars glisten into nothing. Instead, I left the largest moon in 18 years outside and drove back to my apartment.

I haven't had that morning. I've had too much night lately. There's nothing really to elaborate on except to say that, new rings aside, things aren't magically fixed in our house. No one snapped their fingers and made it all better, as much as I greedily pray for it so often. We have spent more of the last few months apart then together, and I think it's having an obvious effect. I don't think marriage is necessarily a you-never-forget-how type of thing, like riding a bike. I think you can forget how to be married, how to live together, or how to love each other the way you both should or the way you used to love. It's not like I can be angry at a deployment, either- something outside us and out of our control. It happened internally.

Anyhow, I guess I'm kind of melancholy and unsettled tonight. I want that long exhaled breath that comes with peace and comfort in my own home, with my own family. I want to know that everything will be okay tomorrow, and even more so, 5 years from now.

The moon is so beautiful tonight, but I am ready for sunshine on my face.


P.S. I read this blog post yesterday, and it's stuck with me intensely. You should read it too. You'll probably cry like I did, but that's okay. "You Are Not the Man She Married" {by Single Dad Laughing}

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6 kind comments from you:

Holly said...

I wish you best of luck on your journey.

JennyTheBeatBoxer said...

I thought of 2 things while reading this.
1. I love the night sky. It's my favorite thing God created. It always takes my breath away.
2. I thought of this song. I grew up listening to Southern Gospel music...I know it's kind of hoky but maybe this song can lend you some assurance..or just out right give it to you. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2KORlOD1UA

I keep wanting to say "enjoy this time" but I know that's not the right phrase. Be aware during this time, things may be going on around you that you can learn from!
I hope things will get better quick and I'll keep you in my prayers! :)

Laura said...

Sometimes the most difficult times in our lives turn out to be the most important. Something good will come out of all this.....it just might take awhile to figure it out. I'll be thinking about you.

Laura Darling said...

Hope you get your sun soon!

Jillian said...

Thank you! Your blog is lovely as well!

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. Military life does not make things much easier. I completely agree with your notion about marriage and relationships-- they have to be worked at. I don't know much about you because I'm just now following, but I'm looking forward to learning more!
Sending love your way.

Mrs. H said...

There's something so comforting about a huge moon like that. It was looking down on our wedding and we just stood underneath.

Don't think that for a moment that anyone has it perfect...you create that and I know you can get through it! And the cool part of the moon and the sun....when the moon glows, it's only because the sun is reflecting on it :)

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