March 7, 2011

Speechless

Yeah...that was me. :)
"Sometimes the strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws." 



I remember it like it was yesterday. I stood in the room that was going to be her nursery, looking at the empty crib, at the rocking chair. I had my hand against my belly, feeling little swooshes and kicks.

I had nothing to say to her.

A hormonal tear or two slid down my face. I felt almost panicked. Why was it I could not come up with a single sentence to say? Sky had already read her "Amelia Bedelia" one evening. He often chatted to her while looking at my belly. Even strangers would come up, pat my stomach, and say something cute and saccharine. Why couldn't I talk to my own daughter?

I was so worried that it meant I wouldn't be a good mother. If I couldn't bond with her then, I surely wouldn't be able to once she was born. Like nearly every pregnant woman, I soaked up Google search after Google search about those precious nine months- I'd read plenty of stories about moms with headphones on either side of their stomach. I knew they probably talked to their unborn children every night. How was I already failing at motherhood before I had even met my child?

I don't remember what I said when she was born. For the life of me, I can't recall what I said- probably something simplistic like "hello" or "you're here". Who knows. But the miracle is this: Millie and I have had a conversation 7 and 1/2 months long now.

Often, it's me repeating her baby babbles and silly sounds. Sometimes, it's directions, as if she can understand every word I say. Once in a while, I point to things and try to teach her. More often than not, it's the same phrases over and over again. I love you. You're my baby. 'Night 'night. You're the prettiest.

What I've learned is that it doesn't matter what pregnancy is like- I mean, it has zero reflection on the kind of mother a woman will be. And I didn't necessarily "enjoy" my pregnancy as some women do. But that's really not the point. Motherhood may start the second a baby is conceived, but for me, it didn't become really real until the nurse put her in my arms.

And then, as effortless as breathing, I became a mother. The world hushed, and Millie and I talked.

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10 kind comments from you:

No Model Lady said...

Sweetness:) So true. It's hard to comprehend this being in your belly until they're in your arms and suddenly they've become "real".

Laura said...

I too was scared of what I would be like as a mother, if I would have the feelings I was supposed to have. You just don't know what it's like until they are in your arms!

New follower!

Dolli-Mama said...

Wow. You said it.
This is so true.
Beautiful.

Shell said...

First of all- how adorable were you! :)

I didn't know what to think when I was pregnant for the first time- it didn't really seem real until my baby was born.

Kaylee said...

Thank you for sharing, because I was starting to feel like I was crazy. I don't talk to my belly or "bond" with it like other's I have seen and I was kind of starting to feel bad.
Thanks again!

Neidy said...

:) I loved this. Mom and daughter's relationship is unique and one that can never be explained :)

Beka said...

i love belly pictures. they're amazing.
{and that totally sounded weird. right?}

sometimes with little babies, i'm just speechless. and when i see my siblings holding babies, they mostly know what to "say" to the child. terrible me with some sort of syndrome, huh? nah...it's ok to be speechless sometimes. you can always just smile.

Mr. Superman & Mrs. S. said...

This is so sweet and beautiful.

Michelle said...

I thought I was going to be a big giant mom fail too. I remember driving to the hospital thinking in my head, "I hope I like him." I didn't really feel connected in a way that I thought other moms did. And then he cried for the first time, seconds after being out and I was in love.

Wife on the Roller Coaster said...

Oh how I love this. Makes me think about being pregnant with my kids and seeing them for the first time. Oh my gosh and I love that picture too! Great post. :)

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