"If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing,
or sing in writing, then don't write."
There were 3 things that helped me to breathe yesterday.
1. Comments from some of you who don't have any solutions or advice, but simply care. Like everyone else, I sometimes feel like my voice is so tiny and my words are so insignificant. It's very healing to be reminded that I'm not unheard. I got an message on Facebook yesterday from someone who I consider a friend, although we haven't officially spent much time together- it read, simply, "You are not alone." Thank you for that.
2. Comments from others who are going through similar things. I hate that you know what it feels like, because I know how much it hurts our hearts. And we know that we don't really have advice for each other, either, but we can take some comfort in knowing that there is someone else on this great earth who has paced the same steps at night.
3. My dad. It is almost maddening at times the way he simplifies things. I am a girl and I am also a writer- that makes me a creature that wears her heart on her sleeve and tends to think of the world in a "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" kind of way. He took me out for pizza tonight, telling me the real tragedy today would be if the scary, tornadic weather in Chambana ruined the Easter bunny shaped cakes he had just purchased. He is literally the only person on earth who can make light of the darkest situations and be able to make me see any humor in them at all. But he did it yet again today. And he bought me these things for my patio- not because I need them, and not because it will fix anything, but because it made me smile.
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| A garden stone that happens to bear the title of the best movie on earth |
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| A hanging plant with pink and white blossoms |
Do I feel better today? Not wholly. The problems have not vanished because problems usually don't work that way. I'm still scared and I'm still worried. But I wanted to thank each and every one of you that was kind enough to send comments and prayers my way. I blurted out every thought in my head, and you didn't turn away or laugh at me. You listened.
And I even want to thank Sky, who is going through much of this with me- I appreciated the extra hugs and the huge pot of spaghetti at lunch. I think I tend to forget that he has to deal with some of these things, too- I usually feel like it's me vs. a struggling marriage, when in reality, it is Sky and I vs. it all. Maybe I would do better to remember that more often.
I don't know what this life is going to bring. No one does. I guess a little relief can be found in the fact that, whatever it does bring, it will be one day at a time.
8 kind comments from you:
Just got caught up. I'm thinking of you!
What a sweet dad. I'm so happy you found comfort in the comments. I really think it does help to think of you and your husband vs. the world. That's how OccDoc and I think. It's us against the Big A (army). We can tackle anything as a team. I know it's probably an immature way to look at the world, but it's working for us so far.
It's a wonderful life was my dad's all time favorite movie and I used to watch it with him all the time, I now watch it in memory of him.
Love that stone.
Awww, how sweet! My dad is pretty awesome like that too, although its usually his extremely CORNY sense of humor that pulls me back to a realistic perspective on things. And sadly, we're not as close as we used to be - I think I have shut myself off from my dad more in the past year or two, thinking that he won't 'understand' what I am going through.
Gonna have to do something about that.
And, like you, I have to remind myself that my hubby is suffering too. Even at times when he doesn't seem to be 'trying' or actually FIGHTING for this marriage, when I feel like I am doing all the work....even if that's actually TRUE, he is still going through the PAIN of this. And it's probably not true very often, I just see things from my own point of view.
Hang in there, and like your FB friend said, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Read your post yesterday, but didn't get a chance to comment. I applaud your honesty and ability to sort out your emotions through writing. It is truly a gift.
I liked what you said that what you wanted most wasn't extravegant things. I'm right with you there. My biggest desire has been to stay home with Addison. Between all of her appointments, surgeries and such this past year, it was too much to try to maintain a career on top of it all. Such a simple thing. But we have been barely making it and I carry our insurance. Anyway, after almost 15 months of struggle, it looks like I will finally be done with work in June. It's going to be really, really scary financially, but things are looking up for the first time in almost a year and a half.
I know it's not the same at all as what you're going through, but I wanted to share my version of finally being able to come out on the other side. That's what it feels like, anyway.
(hugs) you'll be there soon. Sometimes it's the waiting for the things we really want that grows us into the people that we need to be in order to appreciate them fully.
Ah, there's and Anaïs Nin quote for EVERYTHING, huh?
I hope you are doing okay. I really admire the honesty in your blog posts, this one and especially the last. Honesty IS strength- I hope you know that.
your dad sounds so sweet. how lucky you are to have a father like that!
i'm also glad that have a support system to surround you and encourage you. we all have times when we just need some help with the heavy load we have to carry. and that's what friends--even blogger ones :)--are for.
ah, i love the stone.
:)
it's amazing how support comes, in different ways, words, and times...
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