June 21, 2011

June Weddings

Right after our ceremony
It's June. Wedding season is in full force.

Our wedding was small. Sky and I were married in our tiny apartment. Our food, catered by my father and my aunt, was served in the galley kitchen, with pots and pans hanging from a rack on the wall. We made room for our guests by shoving the microwave cart into the bedroom, stacking our oversized antique chairs, and putting gifts on top of an old dresser in the hallway. The 'wedding party' was limited to fit the space in front of our dining room, converted into a chapel with a center aisle and ribbons I tied to the chairs.

Most of me is grateful for the simplicity. There are moments, though, where I catch myself thinking about the things I could change, had I the money or creativity to do so. Of course, the dress would change; I would want a real wedding gown like this one instead of my $20 Target dress. I would still want it to be small, but in a sweet church somewhere. I would want my mother to be there. I would hire a photographer. And I would want to go on a romantic honeymoon instead of taking a day off from work- possibly to England, where we both want to go. I'd want to feel like a newlywed, because I never did.

And then, more than anything, I would want to have that moment in time where everything is new and undetermined. I want to be that bright-eyed, naive girl that believes in the kind of marriage which lasts forever and doesn't hurt. I want to believe in possibilities, in the future, in us.

Sometimes, I am proud of us. We have weathered a storm. We are still in our humble beginnings, but we have made it this far. We have accomplished this much. I repeat this to myself over and over, and sometimes, I even convince myself of it.

It's a long story, but I never saw my wedding photographs. The few I have from a couple people that were there, I treasure as the rarity they are. My sister in law found these photos she'd taken and shared them with me recently. It was the first (and only) time I had ever seen our kiss. I studied the picture a long time. I looked at his hand pulling me towards him. I looked at my hand, grasping his jacket to steady myself. I looked at the past, and thought about the future.

Months ago- probably around the time we were married- we promised each other we'd renew our vows in 20 years. We would have the 'real' wedding. We would have our honeymoon. We would do everything we wanted. But part of me doesn't want to wait 20 years. Part of me needs it much sooner. I don't think Sky understands really, and I'm not good at explaining things anyway.

But I want what we promised each other we'd have.


9 kind comments from you:

Anonymous said...

I can identify with a lot of this. When my husband and I got married we spent a total of $20. It was super cheap, super fast and lots of fun, but it wasn't the dream. I was okay with that, but I've always thought it would have been nice to do it "right".

When I joined the Catholic church this spring one of the things they had us do was go through "pre"marital counseling and have our marriage blessed by the church (which is essentially a whole wedding ceremony). I would have liked to buy a new dress, but it wasn't in the budget.

Despite spending $0 it was amazing. 4 1/2 years after we first took our vows we really understood what those wedding vows were about. The first time around we felt like kids playing dress up. This time it felt real and true. We had experienced enough as a couple to know without a doubt that we will spend the rest of our lives together.

I hope you get that real wedding (because the vows you repeat are, in my humble opinion, the real ones) and I hope you get it sooner than in twenty years.

I'm still waiting until we can afford a real honeymoon. We're planning on a trip to Italy for when we're 40(ish). I hope that happens.

Our Little Fam said...

I hope eventually you do get the real wedding and honeymoon you want, congratulations!! You look beautiful!

vintch said...

oh but what an adorable ceremony it was! you look so beautiful and the intimacy of the location and setting just add to the sweetness. i pray you get all your heart desires, big wedding and all!

Mrs. Wookie said...

Now THESE are the kinds of weddings I like (coming from a true snark!). Anyone can rent linens and put together a cookie-cutter wedding where it's the same shit. That bores me to tears. I like the quirky, different, personality-driven events. It's with these I MAY actually shed a tear because it's so darn cute.

My blogger in crime, Mommy McD, had a quirky wedding. The reception was held at a Mexican food restaurant. Awesome.

Mrs.B said...

When we first got married it was after the first deployment and through the court house. October 2009 after the second deployment I finally got my huge wedding and it was amazing.
I never really felt like a newlywed until we had the big wedding, but of course by then we had been married for a year and 8 months.
We never had a honeymoon but we said at our Ten year anniversary we'd go somewhere exotic and renew our vows and have our honeymoon.

I hope you get to have the wedding you want, it really is amazing.

Mrs. H said...

In all retrospect...
I wish I had YOUR wedding.
I hated being fawned over, I hated worrying about the reception hall being decorated, I hated worrying about flowers, I hated worrying about silly little thing that didn't matter...I hated not focusing on my husband on our wedding day.

I wanted SO much to buy a dress from goodwill, hop in our car, and drive to some little chapel in the country to marry us.

The thousand dollar dress was not worth it. I have to say though, our photographer WAS worth it. And any time you plan on getting married again, I would be the first one to sign up to take pictures! :) Hope you find more of those precious treasures!

Sarah said...

I agree with Mrs H. Even though I had a fairly simple wedding, I still think if we did it again, we'd scale things down even more--something more like what you did. It's all about the love, anyway. I have my moments when I wish I'd done things nicer, but I think every woman looks back at her wedding and wishes in hindsight she could do things differently. Different dress, different decorations, different ceremony. We grow and our tastes change. All that stuff is nice, but it comes with a lot of stress, too. More meaningful than all the trappings are the words you shared. I agree that renewing our vows would be even more profound and beautiful after having lived them out a few years.

Erin said...

I understand why you need it sooner.

My husband and I said that when we hit our 10 year anniversary, we would have a big party at the place we got married. And he would buy me wedding china. I had to give up the idea of having nice china, for reasons I will not go into now. It's silly, but it's something I had always wanted. Wedding china.

But, after all we've been through and are still going through, I often wonder if 10 years is too far away to hope for. And, really, I need a day to feel special. I need a day to remember how we felt when it all began.

We will not have that any time soon, but sometimes, it would just be nice to have something special like that. But I want you to remember, you had the prefect wedding. You had the wedding that you guys could afford and be happy with in that time of your life. You may not have tons of pictures, but it makes you treasure the ones that you do have. It makes them so much more meaningful than if you had 100 pictures of the same moment. And you dress may be simple and inexpensive, but it's beautiful and you look radiant in it... And it will always be your wedding dress. And that is something special too.

I hope you get your dream wedding someday. I hope you get a romantic trip. I hope you get to have your special moment. But until then, remember that you made a very beautiful, happy bride that day. :)

MrsMcDancer said...

My husband and I had the basic Justice of the Peace ceremony and only had two people there. We had always planned {he promised} to have a ceremony with our families there. Some days I feel that it is just slipping away and it makes me so grumpus, but then I remember what we do have and am thankful.
Hopefully one day I can either learn to appreciate without the bitterness or we will have a "dream" ceremony.
I hope you get your dream wedding sooner rather than later!

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