July 29, 2011

Cancellation


As you know, we had planned to go to the brigade ball in a week. I had a flower for my hair, and small, shimmering earrings to match a delicate bracelet. I found a $200 dress for only $30 on the clearance rack. Sky ordered a rack to hold his newest medal (for stateside service during the floods this spring). We had my shoes from the last ball and Sky's bow tie. We even had someone to watch Millie for the evening. I had some strong suspicions I might finally get my ring that night, too.

From the moment he called me and announced we were going, I was thrilled. I love the formality and feeling like I'm part of something so big. The last ball was like a scene from a movie- how lucky am I to have a chance to live it? And, of course, my favorite part is the toasts- I love how the room goes quiet as soldiers recite toasts to the Guard, the President, etc., and how they thrown in a loud  "Hooah!" every so often.

But the only thing I hate more than stress at home is taking that stress out in public. The truth is, Sky and I would not have had a good time. I suppose we could have pretended we were, but I knew my heart wouldn't be in it. All the dressing up and champagne in the world can't make up for the uphill battle we've been fighting. They hadn't cashed our check yet, so I called company headquarters yesterday, and told them we wouldn't be able to make it. I felt a little relieved, but mostly just sad.

In the end, of course, it's not about a silly ball. I know that. I would rather skip 5 million nights out if it meant our family was whole, healthy, and strong. I see so many of my fellow bloggers gushing about their spouses and celebrating dozens of anniversaries. Their spouses and families are what keep them strong when everything else goes wrong. It isn't that I'm envious of something unrealistic or made up. Marriage is a safe place for them. I know it's possible. It has to be possible.

Maybe someday, I'll wear that gown. Maybe someday, I will pull my hair into a braided bun, pin the flower behind one ear, and spend the evening with hundreds of other wives and their soldiers. I used to think knowing what my future held would be amazing.

Now, I think it's probably better that I don't.

6 kind comments from you:

Skinnie Piggie said...

Oh lady... I sure hope things turn around soon.

annoyed army wife said...

You know how you told me life isn't fair and you wish I could get what I want? I wish the same for you. It isn't fair. I know people say things like 'God has a plan' or 'What doesn't kill us makes us stronger', but, seriously, what's wrong with being happy, planless and weak? It might be nice for a change to have our deepest desires. I'm thinking of you.

Tif / Halu-Halo said...

You made the right decision! Better to mend slowly purposely than to flitter and pretend. Sending you some girl power strength...

Victoria said...

your writing always makes me sad. I always read what you have to say and sometimes...its hard to comment because truth be told, nothing we say on here will make your marriage like it before. Nothing we will be able to do with give you the security that you need, only he can.

Just know that there are many people out there that are thinking of you in your time of desperate love. And we only wish that we could give you just an ounce of satisfaction.

Crystal said...

Thinking of you and sending happy thoughts your way.

beka said...

hmmm. i like annoyed army wife's comment.
happy, planless, and weak. gosh.

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