August 23, 2011

The Apple Crisp

This past year has been nothing if not uneventful. I've been thinking about where I am right now, and where I've gotten so far in this life of mine. (Beka's latest post made me think about it all, too.) Sometimes, I feel like I'm living a life, but not mine. Sometimes I feel so far removed from what's happening- life is so different from the 25 versions of the future I had planned in my mind. Does this make sense?

Things are not great. Big things. My mom likes to quote her father-in-law, who says, "It's only money." Except, it's only so many things right now. I don't pretend to be the only one on earth struggling- in fact, I know several people who are struggling with different, but just-as-big things. It seems to be going around. Or maybe this is what is called adulthood. (If so, can I pass?)

I try, so fervently, to be thankful for little things. This blog has sometimes pushed me towards that. So I began thinking about the apple crisp I made last night...

And I thought about the flour, oats, brown sugar, and spices were mixed in a large bowl full of melted sticks of butter. 
How the smell sank deep into every room in our apartment.
The richness of warm scent made it feel like late autumn, or even Christmastime.
It reminded me of my childhood, and all the homemade meals my mother would make for us.
It reminded me of comfort, of home, of sweetness and ease.
I watched the very thin trails of steam slipping out from beneath the crumbled pieces and gooey apples, and I thought to myself, very consciously: this is making me happy. 
Right now, at this moment, I am happy.

But for a couple exceptions (such as Millie, of course), the day was not only unremarkable, but pretty unpleasant. I've honestly never been good at the Pollyanna attitude, and sometimes I cannot help but think of positive, upbeat quotes I come across as being trite and naive. But I forced myself to remember the apple crisp moment for the rest of the night, even as the scent still lingered thinly in the night air. Because, in the end, it was just as real as all the sad moments- this was my epiphany. I didn't have to paste on a smile to be happy about it. I just was.

I am hoping for more apple crisp nights. I want to string together weeks of dessert at a time, both reveling in them and looking back on them with fondness. Until then, I will take each one as they come. I will taste every bite.

6 kind comments from you:

navywifechronicles said...

You read my mind only our dessert of choice tonight was brownies. So happy I found this post on Twitter. EXACTLY what I needed to read this very moment.

Emily said...

My happy little moment tonight was a taste of baby girl's strawberry birthday cake. Because she turns one on Wednesday! I can't believe we've come so far in a year, though a lot of it was hard. I hope things get better for you. If you ever need a little dose of Pollyanna, I happen to be very good at it :)

annoyed army wife said...

"Sometimes, I feel like I'm living a life, but not mine." I was just thinking something along these lines yesterday. Don't get me wrong I am happy with my current life, but I started wondering when I will get something that I wanted: a baby, a stable home life, a job I don't have to leave in 1 - 2 years. They aren't big things and I am happy, but I sometimes wonder if 'adulthood' is just about sacrifices and putting off your own dreams for the sake of someone else's.

Um, and apple crisp. I haven't had any fruit or crabs in over a month so I'm tempted to lick my computer screen.

Alana said...

What a beautiful post about enjoying a simple moment. I just know things are going to look up for you soon.

That apple crisp looks amaaaazing by the way, and possibly even simple enough for me to attempt. Recipe? :)

beka said...

a lot of us seem to be wading through various-but-same versions of this seaweedy water lately....and yep, it's probably an ongoing life lesson on what we're going to focus on and remember no matter what kind of waters we're wading through near the shore. there's got to be some clear, cool, sunshine-streaked water coming soon, complete with a bit of lovely, white sand and no yucky weeds we can't avoid.
strange word picture.

btw, i love this post.

charla beth said...

Gosh, this is just beautiful. not in the Pollyanna sort of way that you mentioned :) but in the down-to-earth, real, deep and good kind of way.

And that is one of the best things about blogging—the way it forces you to get down to the nitty-gritty, the beautiful little moments of every day life that somehow get us through the big things.


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