June 27, 2012

When I Stopped Trying

Deanna writes at Everything and Nothing from Essex. I can't even remember how I first stumbled upon her blog- I just know I was instantly smitten with her gorgeous daughter, Addison, and her refreshing writing style. She also has a very moving e-book on Amazon that I read, wept through, and smiled over, and she is working on her first book in print. She constantly reminds me what a wonderful thing it is to be called, "Mama".

My entire life I have tried to be someone else.

Expectations were put on me to look a certain way, act a certain way, marry a certain kind of person, follow a certain path for my life.

I wasn't given a choice.

But then one day I woke up and realized- I did have the ability to choose my own life. I married a man that was entirely different than the one my parents picked out for me. I gave birth to a daughter who was not at all what was expected. I changed my career path after too many years training for the first one.

Life is beautifully unexpected.

Stumbling through the winding tunnel of what I thought was my destiny, I discovered a trap door that landed me in a world full of light. Many paths were offered instead of the one and in exercising my ability to make a decision, I found myself.

Many people say that motherhood makes them lose their own identity, but it took motherhood to define mine.

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Having a child with an extra chromosome was not in the plan for my life, but it turns out that having the meticulously arranged display of kernels put under pressure made it possible for my true self to emerge. The hardened shell was not the real me, but the fluffy popcorn dripping with flavor was.

Now I'm lost in the daily grind- the messy diapers, the messy house, the messy book manuscript, the messy schedule. I tend to forget and try to be someone else once again.

I try to be someone who DOES have it all together. I delusion that I'm supposed to be the super mom that I'm envisioning in my head. And every time I end up crying into my coffee, wondering why I'm failing.

But one glance into almond eyes shining like blue jewels, I remember.


I only have to be me. No more, no less.

Even though that means messy chaos with an overachieving schedule and big dreams?

I'm happiest there.

Because I'm no longer pretending.

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22 kind comments from you:

Chantal said...

Lovely blog post!

Susie at ProsperityStuff said...

Beautifully said! There is such freedom in being who we're supposed to be, where we're supposed to be.

greaterexp said...

Truly terrific post! What a beautiful little girl! I love the absolute joy and abandon of her smile! Thanks for sharing freely about what we all go through, no matter what our circumstances. I'm glad you're you.

Anonymous said...

why do we work so hard at trying to be someone we are not? God accepts us as we are. Being what he intends us to be is much easier.

pamm said...

Wonderful as always!!

Marci said...

Lovely as always, Deanna! And Hi Erika! Nice to "meet" you.

Amy V said...

Love it! You always make me feel so much better about having a "public mom" persona and a "real mom" persona at home when no one else is looking. It's nice to see other mom's struggle with the same issues!

The Görnandts said...

We LOVE the "real Deanna"!

Kelly said...

Such an encouragement!!

Mrs. Y said...

Your daughter is VERY beautiful :)

Maria said...

Love Deanna's blog.

Anonymous said...

Always be true to yourself. Your daughter is beautiful and must light up a room whenever she is present.

CMSavage6 said...

Love, love, love. We always tell the kids to just act like themselves and then forget to do it ourselves. Thanks for the reminder.

gail said...

I hear you, D. It is so nice to oneself. I understand.

Shauna Smith said...

What a great post.. What a beautiful daughter.. Glad to hear you are able to be yourself.. Enjoy!

Pam Howes said...

What a delightful little girl. Such a happy, sunny smile. How can you resist! I bet she makes you feel that every day is a holiday. Lovely blog. Thanks for sharing your tale.

Martha said...

"having the meticulously arranged display of kernels put under pressure made it possible for my true self to emerge. The hardened shell was not the real me, but the fluffy popcorn dripping with flavor was." how do you come up with this amazing stuff? perfectly put, as usual!!!

Stacey said...

Don't try to trick us with this guest-posting stuff, Deanna...we'll follow you anywhere!! :D Children definitely have a way of showing us our true selves. And, praise the Lord for it. More great nuggets of truth that eventually form into one big Addison chocolate bar of wisdom. :)

Curt said...

great post again. such wisdom from "the sitter" (gotcha)

Shauna said...

oh yes yes yes!

Amanda said...

I love how you turn every mothers problems into something beautiful. It truly helps me feel better about not being the perfect mom or perfect person everyday! Thank you.

Mandy

Carmen said...

This is such a great post. Thank you for sharing!!! :)

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