The Slowdown

Be still, and know that I am God. 

Psalm 46:10

It could be the August air that chills my face in the morning, feeling more like October than summer, or it could be an extra sip of hazelnut coffee, but I felt especially reflective this morning. It has also been a bit quieter in our house lately, because after a week on active orders here at home, Sky has been gone for AT the past two weeks (annual training in the Army Reserves for you non-military folk). It's been a whirlwind lately. There were lots of doctors appointments and more yet to come. There was Millie's birthday. Doctor's appointments on Millie's birthday. A few months ago, I decided to take this semester off from school rather than go back just yet, thinking it would be good for me to have this time with Walter and to adjust. Can I tell you how glad I am for choosing that?

Sky was away for 4 months in school. He came home, and I had a baby. A few days after we were home from the hospital, Millie had some sort of bug. A few days after that, I was in a lot of pain for two days before going to the emergency room and finding out I had a bad kidney infection. Then, we took Walter to the doctor after he'd been projectile vomiting at every feeding. Three nights later, we were in a different city in a different hospital room, preparing to see him go into surgery. After that, Sky left for training. And it's sinking in that life is going to go fast like this for a while. The house seems to always need cleaning. As soon as I do one load of laundry, there are three more dirty loads piled high. Just thinking about what I'll cook for dinner can be overwhelming, let alone roaming the grocery aisles for what I need.

I am good at shutting myself in, away from the world. It's what introverts do, and what I desperately need some days. But my thoughts seem to go in one of two ways; either I feel guilty about taking any time for myself, or I feel like I don't get any time and get frustrated by it. Being motionless in a world that is constantly moving is a battle itself. Then I look at that verse- be still. Being still? Taking time for stillness, time to just know something and let it sink into my soul? It's been a while.

So maybe it means soaking in the little sighs and snores of the sleeping baby pressed against my neck, or stopping longer to gaze into his blue eyes that look like some faraway sea. Maybe it means turning those swaying motions of soothing him into a quiet slow dance. It could be sitting with her, wearing a faded nightgown and leaning into me, pausing to read one more story instead of insisting I need to get up and clean something. Maybe it's painting my nails, even if I spend the next month wearing the same chipped polish. Or maybe, it's finally finishing the book I've been reading for months, instead of clicking pictures on Pinterest of a house I'll never have or a craft I'll never make.

But most of all, I think it means taking a moment to be absolutely still and just know. Know that life is bigger and more complicated than me, know that it moves swiftly and sometimes without rhyme or reason, but that above all, I have God to guide me through it. My soul needs that breath, that rest.

There's a slowdown that needs to happen, and I'm looking for the brakes. It's time to have time. It's time to be still.