"A few days after we came home from the hospital, I sent a letter to a friend,
including a photo of my son and some first impressions of fatherhood.
He responded, simply, 'Everything is possible again.'
It was the perfect thing to write, because that was exactly how it felt.
The world itself had another chance."
— Jonathan Safran Foer
— Jonathan Safran Foer
Baby Walter is already six weeks old. I have another post, half written now, about how it is being a mother the second time around, but this loose grasp on time is what I was most prepared for, and probably mourned the most as well. I inhale, and before I let go of that breath, he's older; he's doing new things he couldn't do yesterday, and defying any urging from my heart to stay little. It's the way it should be, and the way I knew it would be, so I try my hardest to be present for every second I can.
The ghosts I wrote of are still there. There have been a few days where it's nearly all I think of, and other days where it's just a flash here and there. I'm starting to accept the why of it all; because, however small the chance, handing him over to that surgery staff meant the possibility of letting him go. And that possibility is too much for any mama's heart. I think it is just going to take time for my heart to catch up to my mind, to know he is okay, and here, and safe.
But he's already growing so much since that day. He's stronger and healthier than ever, and just as sweet, too. And when I picked up Millie from her Sunday school class tonight, we started down the hallway when she asked, "Where's Walter?" She's been loving and caring towards him from the start, and now it seems to be sinking in that he's our family.
In honor of these past six weeks, here are the hospital photos we had taken. They are by the same photographer who did my maternity photos. I had no idea I would love them so much, but they're quite possibly my favorite photos of the four of us, even if they're not all together. That 36 hours spent on a postpartum floor was full of the same elation I felt when Millie was born, but it was amazing to introduce her to Walter, to see my family grow even more, and to feel the surprise and shock of having a son. I am so glad it was captured a bit for us.