February 10, 2014

Currently.


 Currently...

Thinking about: Marriage. We've been going to counseling for a few weeks now, and it's gone past introductions and the "tell me about your childhood" type of stuff, and into the stuff that makes the five minute ride home feel like five hundred minutes. I need it to help. I need everything to be fixed. But every part of me dreads these appointments. Sky will be leaving for a couple months soon, and we won't be able to do phone or internet counseling sessions, so there will be a break from it. And really, I don't even know what I think about that. It's uncomfortable to keep writing about this, to tell you truthfully, but writing is what I do when things hurt. 

Also? Thinking about winter. I'm ready to fold it up and put it away. Time for weather chilly enough for a Snuggie, but warm enough that my breath doesn't freeze instantly and hit me in the face.


Reading: "I'm Taking a Trip on My Train". It's a book Millie got from the library, and she can't get enough of it. I don't read for myself these days, other than a few blogs. I miss it- miss it terribly some days- but I've decided if I only have limited time, I need to spend it catching up with the bloggers I care about and writing for myself, because those things do my heart a lot of good. Soon enough, Millie and Walter will grow, and there will be time for more than a poem here or there, or a frenzied spree through Goodreads quotes. That's what I should buy right now, come to think of it- poetry. Commence Amazon browsing.
Listening to: A train rumble by our house. And before that, a message on my phone from a friend cheering me up. And before that, Millie reading that danged book. But overall, I've been listening to some Regina Spektor on my own, and lots of oldies when the kids are up. I have noticed that keeping music on for part of the day greatly improves all of our moods, and oldies are good because A- they generally have decent lyrics, and B- most songs are familiar to me and easy to learn for Millie. Today, I sang while she drummed with Tinker Toys. Walter seemed to appreciate the atmosphere, as he usually does.

Watching: Downton Abbey. Other than that, I couldn't name five other shows on TV right now. It's not that I don't love getting lost in a good movie plot or TV script; it's that there are so few I've even liked lately, let alone loved. It has been ages since I've been to the theater and felt like it was worth paying $9 to see a show. I'm sure that sounds incredibly old, but I'm turning 30 in September. Youngsters and their shows these days.


Thankful for: Coffee. Friends who exchange emails, texts, and Vox messages with me. The easy days with Millie. Pizza and Mexican food. A quiet house at the end of the day. Jesus. The feeling that comes from a random act of kindness. Pineapple upside down cake that my dad baked. Finding new favorite recipes. Every single expression Walter makes. My mom letting me cry on the phone sometimes. Bud Light. Comfy-skinny-baggy sweatpants. The very rare days it isn't snowing/ -20 degrees here. The promise of spring. Starbucks, which saves many a day. A Snuggie, which is my new favorite thing (only about 5 or 10 years behind trends!). Getting photos taken this week, which is a combination of Walter's extremely late 6 month photos, catching up with Millie's photos, and maybe a couple of all of together. (We're getting them done with the same lady who did my maternity pictures and Walter's hospital pictures, and I can't say enough great things about her.)
A Mama Collective

{Linking up with A Mama Collective today. Do check out the blog- they've been so sweet in featuring some of my posts, and I've loved what the girls have written, as well as the posts from other blogs they often share.}

17 kind comments from you:

Andrea @ Love is... said...

Oh Erika... Sorry to hear about the marriage stuff. But if writing helps, keep doing it. Even if you don't hit publish. I'm with ya on the winter thing. It's just never ending... And Walter is just too dang cute!

Marcella{The Life After "Trust Me"} said...

Keep writing, keep loving, keep fighting for your marriage and most importantly keep praying.

Love and hugs to you Erika. I so wish I could take you out for coffee...

Amanda said...

The pictures in this post make me so happy. I know things are beyond less than ideal for you right now when it comes to your marriage.. but I do hope you find some peace at the end of everyday with your sweet babies. I'm keeping you in my prayers as always Erika.

Karen said...

Thinking of you guys lots, and sending prayers your way. I love listening to the oldies with my girls - they help to boost our spirit. We are also VERY ready for spring up here - I could go for a couple of days with warmer temperatures even and that would be okay with me lol. AND I LOVE that picture of Walter in the shower lol, it's too cute. Your kids are so adorable :)

Jen said...

I'm sorry counseling is going tough. Hopefully it'll get better. ((Hugs))

Jamie said...

Hang in there with the counseling. Marriage is hard. I don't have any advice but the counseling HAS to help. It has to.

Lauren Stevens said...

Marriage can be difficult - good for you for going to counseling! My husband and I were in marriage counseling after being married for a year (our 1st anniversary was terrible) because we both had baggage from our upbringing that was hindering the growth of our relationship (and I was pregnant with my 1st and my mom left my dad after 43 years of marriage - so much made me doubt my own relationship). You. Are. Not. Alone. Hang in there :)

Jenna Guizar said...

I'm RIGHT there with, sister. I need to find someone for DH and I to go talk to. I appreciate your honesty so much because it helps me remember that I'm not the only one struggling. Sometimes friends seem to have it so much more picture-perfect than I ever have, and I can feel defeated from that. Not that I don't want them to be in wonderful marriages, I just feel like I'm the only one who is not picture-perfect. I hope for both of you that it helps you communicate better and really see each other for the person you fell in love with. (that's my hope for us too.) You're wonderful, Erika.

Mary @ A Mama Collective said...

Thank you for writing about the difficulties in your marriage and most especially your hard work to make it work! Marriage is so painfully hard, but so beautifully good. As a counselor my self, I can tell you that tough counseling sessions means a sign of change and growth. Keep at it! Blessings to you!

wanderlynn said...

Write, write, write away! I can't yet make a peep about my marriage. I admire your courage.

Our reading, watching, listening... all very similar over here. And a preemptive thank you: I might just brew some coffee in the morning after reading this. I love coffee but turned myself into a tea drinker since Bertie was born. I thought coffee made me irritable. And, well... I might as well enjoy some coffee if I want to.

Also, I would have told you about Snuggies if I knew you didn't know. May spring come soon! xx

Mrs.B said...

Marriage is hard. I wish nothing but the best for you two.

That shower picture is adorable. and the one of you with the kids, love!

Melissa Gilliam Shaw said...

1. I've also been listening to my fair share of Ms. Spektor lately. You have good taste. :)
2. The picture of your son behind the shower curtain is so good! Thank you for making me smile.
3. Poetry: Rumi is one of my very favorites.
4. As usual, I admire your courage in sharing where you. I hope that the next few weeks' therapy help sustain you through your time apart. Sending you warm thoughts.

Kaylee said...

I love this post. That's all for now :)

andthenwelaughed said...

Good thoughts being sent your way. And I agree with the others. If writing helps, write. If it doesn't, don't.

Michelle said...

It's really refreshing to read something about how hard marriage is. Because it really is, and I'm sick of people acting like it isn't.

I have zero ideas of what shows are on TV other than Downton. And I really want to go get some coffee with you.

Deanna said...

I just adore your writing style. It pulls me right in and I feel almost as if we are trading tidbits over a cup of that coffee. I hear you on the winter bit. Normally I don't mind it, but stuck inside with small children makes it seem just that much longer! Hugs to you my friend....just one day at a time.

Fran said...

I'm sorry counseling is so tough but it's for the best.

And honestly, I have no idea what shows are on TV. All I ever watch is stuff on Netflix haha

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