He signed on, and appeared on my screen again-this time the video was crystal clear and the audio, perfect. Andy was next door to him sleeping, so he didn't talk much. But I finally got to see, for the first time in almost a month, a grin flash across his face a few times. I got to hear him laugh so softly and see his exaggerated wave hello. I could only type back, which is very anti-climatic. Still, tired as he was, he talked with me for a little bit and it gave me the best night since being in Flora.
After saying hi and leaning back while I typed, up came his hands near the screen. He twirled that silver ring in between his fingers. I had asked him yesterday if he still wore it. I felt foolish asking, sure it'd been lost by now or worse. It startled me to realize that I truly cared. And after telling me he still had it on, I felt almost relieved in a way. When he held it in his hand tonight, though-when I felt like I was getting to talk to him after days and days-that made the world stop.
I've been contemplating this whole scenario. You know the thing people say, the thing that's sung over and over in a pop song, the thing people sigh over and gush about? "I've never felt this way before." That's the sentence. That's the whole essence of why people want to be in love-to be taken over by something so beautiful it's indescribable, beyond comparison. I never understood it. I never got it, or trusted it, or actually believed anyone who claimed it. I didn't even buy the cynical-until-falling-in-love concept. They say things are "too good to be true" for a reason-because they are...right?
The problem here is that I haven't felt this way before, not even remotely close. I haven't missed someone this way, or loved talking to someone this way, or felt my heart do strange things and keep strange rhythms until now. I would never have cared about someone wearing some old ring, nor would I want to give them said ring. Until now, I have never felt terrified at everything I've said or written or blogged, worried that my feelings won't be reciprocated. Neither, though, would I feel so able to laugh at myself after doing something stupid in front of someone. And the sight of a guy wearing headphones, his face illuminated gently by a computer screen, is impossibly meaningful. And he is impossibly right for me. And I guess this is what that feels like.
So I won't hesitate no more
It cannot wait
No need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate
-"I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz