First Thing's First

"It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight."

— Vladimir Nabokov

There are lots of amazing things about being a mother. There are little tiny baby smiles that melt my heart more than anything in the world, and there is that awesome feeling of being one of the two people she loves the most. There's smelling her hair and skin when she curls her little body against me, and the silly sounds she makes. And when her cries produced tiny tears for the first time, I got unbelievably choked up. But running around last Saturday night, trying to feed and change her, pump milk for a bottle later on and spilling it all over the place, I looked down at my little black dress and felt like I was trying to be two people at the same time- a free 25 year old, headed downtown with my husband for a late dinner for my friend's birthday, and a mom who has no business dressing up and acting like a non-mom.

Somewhere during the realization that baby lotion was covering up the rosy scent of my perfume, I felt absolutely ridiculous.

It's really hard, this part of parenthood. It's kind of a mini identity crisis really- I'm a totally different person to Amelia than I am to Sky, and sometimes reconciling the two is hard. It's weird and confusing to interrupt a long, slow kiss with my husband because my baby needs to be fed. I've only had three weeks to get used to it, so I know it will become something normal, but right now I just slide in and out of roles thinking how strange life's become.

Maybe that's what it was that prompted me to say it. Sky and I had been getting the hang of caring for her and making it through the day, but I felt like we were beginning to pass her back and forth and forgetting we were a couple first. So we talked about it, and we've been trying to change how often we get online or play video games (that would be his thing, not mine!) to spend real time together. We've talked more and played games more.

This past week was a rough one. We have had one 'fight' since we've known each other, really. But this week we definitely had our second. It wasn't something that could be swept under the rug or resolved with a shrug and a kiss. It required work. Hard work. Long discussions after the lights were out and the baby was quiet. Promises.

Now, on the other side of it, I'm again thinking back to the reasons we got married and the reasons we wanted Amelia. I remember his shy question the night before he went back overseas, one that we still laugh over- "Will you be my girlfriend on Facebook?" I remember the flirting at the pool table, the first kiss, all of it. I think about what he said a few months ago- how he pointed out he'd given me his last name the first day we met; the name badge from his Class A uniform, which I've carried with me every day since.

Amelia wouldn't be here without there being that weekend we met, the months of waiting, and the first day home. Before she was here, we were here. Something I've never understood (and can actually comment on, now that I'm a mom) is women saying how they love their kids more than anything, including their spouses. Don't get me wrong- there is nothing on this earth I wouldn't do for Millie, I can't imagine life without her, and she's absolutely perfect. But I think it's okay to love your husband equally- obviously, they are different kinds of love, and they even connect in many ways. I just think it's sad when people focus so much on their children that they lose sight of where the relationship came from and its importance. I'm a mother, but I'm still a wife.

So I'm trying to learn to be 100% present in both roles, and I think Sky and I are both focused on building on the good things we have. After all, Amelia's story began with ours.