January 22, 2011

Happy, Shiny People

"Home is the nicest word there is." 

I thought I had gotten over the grass-is-always-greener syndrome when I got married. At last, I was a happy girl, I was head over heels in love, and I was making a family. Lucky me.

And now...that jealously is back, but in a strange, new way. I find myself looking at family pictures, on blogs or on Facebook, with a sense of wonder, a bit of bitterness, and a lot of jealousy. I imagine what it would be like to have a happy home, with no tension or unspoken feelings. I wonder if they worry about money and where to go on vacation, instead of worrying if they'll be married the next day or wondering what secrets their spouse keeps. I crave it, that kind of serenity, that marital bliss, that security. I want it so much, but there isn't anything I can do. Not really. It's not like I can pick it up while I'm at the store.

Those family pictures-even the matchy matchy, extremely staged ones- don't tell the whole story, and I know that. I also know that it's not too much to ask. Whether it's with Sky in the future, or just a quiet house with Millie and I, there has to be a way to get that back. I need it.

I want to feel home, and it's not from using my favorite pillow or sleeping in my own bed. It's that intangible feeling that you feel to your soul when you know things are okay.

Oh, how I want things to be okay.

1 kind comments from you:

Beka said...

my thought: this is sadly poetic.
i hope and pray that feeling of home and okayness comes back to life soon...

eh, yeah. my family isn't perfect. much of the time i feel like i'm more than they bargained for. i've got some rebelness, but not against anything morally. just...traditions. heh. NOT okay.

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