February 5, 2011

Practice

"You know, when it works, love is pretty amazing. 
It's not overrated. 

There's a reason for all those songs." 



Sky was here last night, for a few hours between 12 and 3am. It's his drill weekend. He had asked me to shave his head since the hair was beginning to get a bit too long near his ears. So after he got off work late last night, he sat in my dad's dining room, and I slowly moved the trimmers back and forth over his head. He had said that he wants me to feel more a part of him being in the military. I'm not sure how he knew I needed that, and I need a lot of practice before I can give him a good fade, but I felt a little closer to him afterwards.


We lied down for a couple hours before he had to go. I thought about the past week. It's been a better week- much better. I would think someone telling me they love me over and over would provide some reassurance- to me, and maybe, to them. Yes, I really love her. But if I've learned anything in the past year, it's that words are easily said. They are empty. Actions are how you know you're loved.


This isn't the way either of us pictured our lives. I think, despite what happened, both Sky and I started out with a vision of a long and perfect marriage. I guess the problem with that picture is that neither of us are perfect. I read this quote this morning: "Forgiveness is the name of love  practiced among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all people love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, 
every hour increasingly." (Henri J.M. Nouwen) I think that sums it up beautifully.

I confessed to him a couple days ago that I had forgotten what it was like to be in love with him, or to feel like he was in love with me. I have been getting by on commitment so long, and while people talk about that being the most important part of a marriage, it is surely not the only part (or if it is, there is not much happiness in that kind of life). For the first time in months and months, I'm beginning to feel like we could get that back. I want to fall in love again. Love absolutely cannot exist without trust, but maybe as it's built back up, I will be able to lean back and feel deeply close to him again. We both crave it, and that's the first step.


And maybe, down the road, I can tell Amelia that I fell in love with her father not once, but twice.


2 kind comments from you:

annoyed army wife said...

You are such a beautiful writer. I can feel your heartache coming through the screen.

Beka said...

i'm with aaw; your writing, it's just so saturated...very real.

and that quote by henri nouwen is pretty amazing. wow. so true, imperfect people trying to trust and love each other... it's hard.

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