April 4, 2011

This Dream was the Finest

I dreamed--and this dream was the finest-- That all I dreamed was real and true, 
And we would live in joy forever, You in me, and me in you." 


I have noticed something in myself that really has to change. It's bothered me for quite a while, and I am not quite sure how it can end. I just know that it needs to end.

Every time I look at a couple, I wonder. I look past their engagement photos or family pictures with the children propped sweetly in front of their parents, and I think it. "Yeah right. I wonder what he's really doing. I wonder what she doesn't know about." I have become skeptical of every single girl and boy relationship that I see. I scoff at weddings, I roll my eyes at PDA, and I dismiss it all as fake or about to crumble.

I am projecting what's happened in my life onto every other person out there. And that's wrong.

I think part of it stems from reading magazines. I have a slight obsession. It's nice to spend an hour on something and finish it, and it's nice to give my brain a vacation from much substance. However, the articles, silly as they often are, seem to get under my skin lately. I'm getting tired of seeing so many articles about "how to keep your man". It sounds so silly. (And at the very end of the day, you cannot 'keep' another person. You do not own their heart or their free will- they can walk out the door at any moment. Why would you be the best version of yourself to please them, in hopes they will love you always? Shouldn't you just be the best version because there is no reason to be anything less?) All that boils down to for me is this: you shouldn't have to worry about "keeping your man" or your wife.

Posts written late at night should probably not be published, because they turn into rambling messes like this. I guess I just wonder if it's too late. Sky and I had a great love story. Then *poof!* It seemed to vanish into thin air. Then we began working, straining to start the heartbeat of our marriage again before it flat-lined and grew cold. Am I allowed more than one love story in a lifetime? Does anyone get a second chance at a happy ending? Sometimes I think about what God must see, looking down at our pitiful attempts. I picture him saying, "Well, you had a shot..." I guess I need to remember he is much more merciful than I.

Believe it or not, I'm not sad and moody tonight. I'm just thoughtful, self-examining. Sometimes it's scary, but it is necessary to grow.

And hopefully, we're growing.

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12 kind comments from you:

Mrs.B said...

All that boils down to for me is this: you shouldn't have to worry about "keeping your man" or your wife.

love that. love this whole post actually but I believe that the most.

Beka said...

oooh it's always interesting stuff self-examining....thoughtful nights....
i'm hoping things go upward from here.

charla beth said...

i used to think i was the only person who scoffed at relationships so it's crazy to know i'm not the only one. i'm sorry you feel that way though, and i know that stems from having bad experiences of your own. i hope that one day that will change and that you find a way to believe that genuine love can exist. it's still difficult for me, but i'm better than before, so i believe that can happen for you also.

i also hope you don't read those articles anymore. those are horrible for your self-esteem and that's not how God intended us to live. i don't think love should be that hard and you shouldn't have to earn it. i am still praying for you and sky and for your relationship. God-willing, it will be restored and you will see things in a brand new light.

annoyed army wife said...

You are so right, it's impossible to hang onto someone else. I'm so guilty of judging other people and wondering what's lurking just under the surface. Eh, so what if that makes me a bad person, I'm human so I cut myself some slack.

I think you do get a second chance (or as many as you need) for a happy ending, and right now I think you're on the right track doing everything you can. Now you just have to sit back and have faith.

Kate said...

I'm a new reader and just catching up (the history page is so helpful), but I wanted to say you're in my prayers. No advice, but lots of prayers.

scottandalie.com said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog.

Sending you much peace in your marriage. Marriage is hard work and I am sorry to hear you had such a rocky start.

Consider The Lilies said...

it's so hard to not judge when you look at other people, wonder where they've been, how they got there, where they're going and all the nitty gritty details that aren't really our business. i struggle with that daily.

it's very commendable of you to come out with these things you struggle with. i think God understands these struggles we have and He's always there begging us to turn the other way when we fall into those negative thoughts about others. but it's our choice to listen or continue. either way He is there begging for us to turn our thoughts back to Him.

i love this and hope my comment made sense :) thanks for sharing your struggles, as they are things i think we all struggle with!

Kimberly In Seattle said...

Ah I have been there too. I do a lot of similar self-reflections and it does help to recognize when you're projecting yourself onto others! I really enjoyed this post because it helps me see that I'm not alone with this kind of struggle! Thank you :-)

Fran said...

Can't say I've been in the situation you're in, however, I do believe everyone deserves a chance at happiness, even if it takes a second try.

Dolli-Mama said...

Fifty years from now this will all be part of your story. And it will have a happy ending, I'm sure of it.

Michelle said...

For us, it's not so much a 'keeping' as a making a conscious choice each day to be with each other. And there are days when you don't want to make that choice, but you do anyway. Marriage is tough. It isn't a magical fairy tale love story, but it CAN be your love story. The part about that is that you (and he) have to put in the work to make that happen.

Heather said...

Of course you will get a second chance at a happy ending.
It just doesn't seem that way right now.

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