I have slipped into mini-deployment mode, and not just in the sweatpants and no makeup way, the way I'm forgetting to eat, and the way my cell phone has become another extremity. I'm feeling worn down. I don't know when Sky will be home, and it could still be another day or another two weeks, but I know there there is an end in sight. (I also know I should be-and I am- thankful that this isn't a real deployment.) I guess I've just gotten to the point where the sweet wistfulness has worn off, and it's been replaced with both a kind of restlessness and tiredness. It seems like every time I check the forecast for where he's at, it calls for thunderstorm after thunderstorm. Are they forecasting the weather there or the mood inside my apartment?
My dad has been quick to keep me entertained, and for that, I am extremely grateful. He's taken me on lots of trips around town, since I'm without transportation, and we've gone to dinner several times. He always tries to spend more time with me during drill weekends, and he's gone into overdrive for this unexpected time. The thing is, after all the errands are run, and Millie is tucked away in her crib, I'm tired of turning on the TV to hear a bit of noise in this apartment. Though I usually thrive on quiet, I've realized even I have a limit. And while I love Millie dearly, the repetitiveness of these last several days has left me stir crazy.
The other frustration is pay. I wish I could send out a memo to every non-military family and make them see how ludicrous this system can be. As of tonight, the word is that the Guard won't be paid for 4-6 weeks. They've left their paying jobs to do something they were called to do, and somehow, they're expected to go over a month without a single paycheck? I am upset and so angry that we have been forgotten. That 400 soldiers and their families don't matter to this state. They were quick to point out this group of guys had been overseas, fighting in the war, that there were real, American heroes tossing sandbags and evacuating towns.They are still fighting, and they are still doing their duty. And they have been completely forgotten.
I'm sorry this post is so whiny. I can put the blame on 50 different things, but the point is that I just need to regroup and get over it. I've been told twice in the past 24 hours that it's "just life in the military". Somehow, that's supposed to comfort me, I guess. It doesn't. And not just because I think military families deserve so much more than worrying if they'll have food on the table, but because I think there should be a better solution than to sigh and accept it.
The solution for me, for tonight, is going to be reading a few dozen blogs, hoping Sky has enough cell battery left to give me a call goodnight, and drifting off to sleep.
13 kind comments from you:
i'm sorry hun. i hope everything starts getting better for you!!! big hugs (----------------) <---that's a virtual hug for you :)
I hate the "its what you signed up for" answers some people want to give. Ugh! Hang in there. There is nothing anyone can say when you get in those funks- I have been there. THe pay thing is ridiculous- I would freak out too! Hug lil one and jump into blog world for awhile ofdistraction!
They've sent the Guard to help with recovery, and aren't going to pay them?! That's just ridiculous. You're absolutely right - there's no reason to sigh and accept that.
(Stumbled across your blog today - hello!)
I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. That's terrible about your husband's pay! I would be so stressed and overwhelmed if my husband's pay stopped for any reason. Please know that you are in my thoughts, and as hopeless as it may seem there is a light at the end of this tunnel and you will get through it. *big hug*
That's asinine about the paychecks, absolutely and totally stupid. I hope the rain goes away, too, and you are able to get out of your funk. Even though it isn't a 'real' deployment, you are still in a state of limbo, and that's crazy stressful. ***hugs***
Ughhhh... hang in there dear. It's not supposed to rain today. :)
i am so sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. i can't believe that anyone would say "that's just life in the military." maybe so, but that doesn't make it any easier. the lack of sympathy and understanding makes me sad.
as far as the lack of pay, that is absolutely ridiculous. no wonder you're frustrated. i'll be praying for clear blue skies in your future, along with a husband returning home and money in the bank.
in the meantime, i hope you find some encouraging blogs, get some food in your belly and some good, solid rest. <3 you're always in my thoughts.
its amazing how the silence can be deafening sometimes. II used to feel the same way when Eric would TAD for weeks at a time. Its hard, but I think that when it stop being hard then there is something wrong. We are SUPPOSED to miss our spouses, we love them. As for he pay... something will come through. Everything happens for a reason. Just try to stay positive.
Hugs. You are in my thoughts and prayers. :)
ughhh! I can't believe they aren't paying you guys, and I think that's pretty insensitive for someone to say "that's just life in the military." That may be so but it doesn't make it any less shitty. I hope things get better for you and that you cheer up soon. The rain will go away and your blue skies will be here soon enough! :)
I don't think you are whining! I actually think it's refreshing to hear how difficult it can be to be a military spouse, because it can be! And it's helpful to hear some of the things you and your family have been doing to pass the time while your hubby is away. Hang in there!
that last paragraph soo has me choking up.
and i'm listening to that other alison krauss song.
touching.
My hubby is on AT right now (you SO don't want to hear my aggravations with THAT) so i'm running WAY behind reading the blogs I follow like yours. I'm just now getting to reading this post.
First, let me say that - in my opinion - he IS on a "real" deployment. True, he's not overseas. So? He is just as gone as if he were. He can't help with the baby. He can't help when any one of a myriad of appliances decide this is the perfect time for a breakdown. He can't wrap his arms around you when you're feeling down or sad or frustrated or overwhelmed. "But he's not in danger, so it's not a 'real' deployment!" you say? Hmmm... talk to the 33 Missouri Guardsmen who were trapped by flood waters for almost 24 hours or their families. I think they'd tell you they WERE in danger. So ... yes, I think it's a "real" deployment.
Next, it is entirely asinine for them to withhold your pay that long. I would yell and scream and make myself heard if Missouri tried to do that to my husband's unit. That is NOT acceptable.
Along that same line ... If anyone (yourself or other families in your situation) is having trouble meeting bills, please contact your State Family Program office. They have resources to help with financial crises. (Or, at least, I assume they do. I know Missouri's SFP office certainly does.) If you don't have/can't find their contact information, contact your unit's FRG or Readiness NCO.
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