June 1, 2011


"Summertime is always the best of what might be." 

It's June.

By most accounts, it's a nice time of year. It's the beginning of summertime. School is out, pools are open, and life gets a little more easy and carefree. After such a stormy spring, I should be welcoming the warm weather and the chance to take Millie exploring outside.

The thing is, there is so much that reminds me of what happened in our marriage a year ago, and summer is the most vague, but most inescapable one. The goodness of remembering the heat when Millie was born also makes my stomach churn when I think about the rest of it. I have a horrible memory, but I can somehow recall every date of every argument and every time I thought it was the end. It's not the kind of anniversary I want to celebrate in the least.

I've likened it, for lack of better words, to a strange kind of post-traumatic stress that pulls me into flashbacks every time something triggers an old thought. It's maddening sometimes. If I listed all the various sights and sounds to you that draw me back into those thoughts, you'd laugh- silly things, innocent things, that have turned into a punch in the gut. I've thrown things away, thing that I liked, just to keep from being reminded. Unfortunately, you can't throw everything away that hurts.

I want to let it roll off my shoulders- all of it- and breathe in the smells of watermelon or sunscreen with a sense of excitement and joy. I want to forget that this date or that date was when something bad happened, and focus solely on making new memories.

I want to look at the world with Millie's eyes. Everything is waiting to be explored. Everything is beautiful. Everything is new.


5 kind comments from you:

Mowenackie said...

You poor thing. I'm so sorry things are hard for you right now. Things will get better: a friend reminded me today that everything changes. (This too shall pass?)

Do you have access to an MFLC where you are?

Nicole Marie said...

I know the feeling, where you want to let something go but the memory of how it effected you is just too strong to ignore.

Just know that you and your husband have been making, for what I can tell, some great progress. Just keep that head up girlie.

Use this time to make NEW memories with Millie, and the hubby!!

beka said...

i'm so sorry erika.
i know how seasons can remind one of certain times.....certain really unpleasant times. urgh.
it's enough to cast a shadow over one's soul.

i'm praying for you<3

Birdie said...

Your last summer reminds me so much of my Nov.09. I understand you like crazy! I have an air freshener that whenever I smell it, it rips my heart right back out. I'm so sorry, I hope these triggers don't last long for you

heart like mine said...

Oh, erika.
This made my heart ache for you. I just want to hug you right now.
But I loved that you wrote this because it’s good to know I’m not the only one. even to this day, even after getting out of bad relationships and being in a good one, there are still songs I can’t listen to, movies I can’t watch, places I’d rather not go.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing that right now.
I’m sorry that such a beautiful season has to be tainted with memories of heartache.
But I love. Love. LOVE. the end of this.
I love your hope. Your desire to let go. your plans for a fresh start.
It’s powerful and inspirational and perfectly beautiful.
Probably one of my favorite blog posts ever.

You touched my heart so much through this.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
Love you, girl.

And even though it’s hard to imagine it sometimes,
He does make all things new.
I have no doubt about that.

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