Life Tonight

"What is family? 

They were the people who claimed you. 

In good, in bad, in parts or in whole, 

they were the ones who showed up,

 who stayed in there, regardless. 

It wasn't just about blood relations or shared chromosomes,

but something wider, bigger" 

— Sarah Dessen 

The past few days here have been difficult. I'm ready for life to move on from this place. I'm ready for the next Fourth of July. I missed the fireworks, which I've always loved and think of as sort of cosmic or romantic. Life was too busy to have a chance to eat until after 8 tonight. Sleep has eluded me even more than usual. I'm tired. 

Chase and Ayden are here. I haven't mentioned them in quite a long time, because they haven't been here for a visit in months. (Sky's 6 year old son and almost 5 year old daughter, for you newcomers) I wish I could tell you that I look forward to them being here one hundred percent. The negatives don't have anything to do with the kids (although, may I just say, three kids feel much different than one!), and I am glad that Sky is able to spend precious time with them. Step-mom feels a lot different than mom, unfortunately. I can't explain it much except to say that Millie has Sky and Millie has me- and that's it. There is no one else with rules, demands, rights, etc., and therefore, no complications or worries about those things. The complications are not the fault of those kids, though, so I try to go through the days giving them quality time while protecting Millie and I, too. They've seemed to have a wonderful time so far, and they adore Millie. She's been spoiled with kisses since they arrived.

I will say, as was obvious today, motherhood has nothing to do with giving birth to a child, and everything to do with a child being raised and loved. Motherhood is whether you choose to mother a child- your own or someone else's.

One last thought on the subject- I couldn't watch the hours of trial these past days because it made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't read any details beyond what I knew from 2008. And when I heard the verdict this afternoon, I was sick to my stomach again. 

Some things are beyond any comprehension.