Life Tonight

"What is family? 

They were the people who claimed you. 

In good, in bad, in parts or in whole, 

they were the ones who showed up,

 who stayed in there, regardless. 

It wasn't just about blood relations or shared chromosomes,

but something wider, bigger" 

— Sarah Dessen 

The past few days here have been difficult. I'm ready for life to move on from this place. I'm ready for the next Fourth of July. I missed the fireworks, which I've always loved and think of as sort of cosmic or romantic. Life was too busy to have a chance to eat until after 8 tonight. Sleep has eluded me even more than usual. I'm tired. 

Chase and Ayden are here. I haven't mentioned them in quite a long time, because they haven't been here for a visit in months. (Sky's 6 year old son and almost 5 year old daughter, for you newcomers) I wish I could tell you that I look forward to them being here one hundred percent. The negatives don't have anything to do with the kids (although, may I just say, three kids feel much different than one!), and I am glad that Sky is able to spend precious time with them. Step-mom feels a lot different than mom, unfortunately. I can't explain it much except to say that Millie has Sky and Millie has me- and that's it. There is no one else with rules, demands, rights, etc., and therefore, no complications or worries about those things. The complications are not the fault of those kids, though, so I try to go through the days giving them quality time while protecting Millie and I, too. They've seemed to have a wonderful time so far, and they adore Millie. She's been spoiled with kisses since they arrived.

I will say, as was obvious today, motherhood has nothing to do with giving birth to a child, and everything to do with a child being raised and loved. Motherhood is whether you choose to mother a child- your own or someone else's.

One last thought on the subject- I couldn't watch the hours of trial these past days because it made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't read any details beyond what I knew from 2008. And when I heard the verdict this afternoon, I was sick to my stomach again. 

Some things are beyond any comprehension.

The Accidental All-Nighter

Adversity is like a strong wind.

It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn,

so that we see ourselves as we really are.

Arthur Golden

We had a totally different plan for our Saturday.

It was supposed to involve an evening picking up Sky's kids and spending the night at his mom's house a couple hours south of Champaign. The next morning was supposed to be spent at a park- the kids playing, Sky running softball bases, and me sitting on the bleachers and fanning myself in the heat. But as we sat there with his family, a phone call came, then another. Sky's cousin (who took pictures at our wedding and who lives in Champaign-Urbana) was in a fire. While other people in the house made it out fine, she did not, and she was flown to a burn unit in Springfield. We quickly realized we needed to change our plans and head home.

So we packed up the kids and dropped them off at my dad's house, then drove another 80 miles to the hospital. It was nearing midnight when we arrived. We heard about the treatments and her status. We sat in the crowded waiting area with the rest of the family and made small talk. Around 3am, some of us decided to take the elevators a couple floors up to an ICU waiting room. It was dark, full of sleeping people with blankets, and looked very inviting after the long night we were having.

Or so I thought. Sky and I sat on a loveseat-type chair, and pulled up another to rest our feet. We covered up in a thin sheet and and leaned against each other. Maybe it was just the unbelievable exhaustion, sitting in the glow of the vending machines, the hum of the TV on low. Or maybe it was the ultimate comfort of snuggling into the person I love most in the world. I have never felt more at home away from home. And though I ended up staring at the clock while everyone else slept, flipping though housewifey magazines and making myself a cup of hot tea, I was still glad I was there with him.

We left the hospital a little after 6 in the morning, and drove the excruciating drive home. I refused to go to sleep since Sky was driving on such little rest, but I had to keep forcing my eyes back open. I stared towards the sun and tried to change positions often to make my head stay up. We took a nap when we got home- it was supposed to last one hour, but ended up lasting five. After that, we picked up the kids and began a long battle over bedtime.

Finally, the day was over, moments of it seeming so surreal from lack of sleep. There were times that I had to think hard to remember something simple. The baby kicked at me as if she was mad for being jolted around in a car so much in 24 hours. But as we turned off the lights and curled into each other once more, I realized that I was immensely proud of us. It had been a stressful time; a time without sleep, at a hospital, dealing with tired kids, etc. And yet, not once did Sky and I cave into the dizzying exhaustion and fight, something I would be especially prone to do with a lack of sleep + the lovely hormones that have set me on a roller coaster lately. Somehow, we just did what we had to do each second until everything was done. We ended the day in kisses.

I'm sure there are going to be plenty more days that rob us of all energy, and I am sure we won't handle them all as gracefully as yesterday. But I wanted to pat us on the back, because I was so glad that we had the strength that we had.

His cousin is still fighting, but has made it though surgeries well so far. Hopefully she gets stronger and more stable every second. Keep her in your prayers.

A Fake Grown Up

"It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words

but rather short, easy words like,'What about lunch?'" -Winnie the Pooh

The whole day, I thought about home. I thought about it throughout work and even during lunch with my dad. I watched the clock, tapped my fingers, and sighed heavily. When I finally drove home and walked into the room where they all were, I saw a smile and heard the now-familiar "Erika!" I left a quiet house this morning. I came home to a family.

I've come to revel in the imperfection, the messiness- chocolate from the chocolate chip cookies smeared on a couch, army guys set up in no particular rank, piles of pillows and stuffed animals. There's some kind of comfort in kids movies in the background, sippy cups on the table, and yells of, "Do it again!" The first time Ayden and Chase set up camp here, I was at a loss. By the time they left, I stood in the hallway and soaked in the silence uncomfortably. They were here for a few short days, and I already had to remember how to live the way I had before. Funny how that seems to be the case with everything Sky touches.

There is something about having them around that brings out the oldest and youngest parts of me. I remember how my parents were so old when I was little. Somehow, they have gotten younger the more I've grown. They were always so capable, so right. I realize now it is mostly an act. I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time. But the trust that they have in me gives me enough confidence to act like it. The flip side is the chance to act like I'm five, or laugh like I'm five.

Laughing like you are five is so underrated.

Two Roads Divirged

There are two new characters in the story. It was not the exact way I had envisioned it; there wasn't a red wagon. That was the only part that was missing, though.

The routine had become just that- a daily set of motions that were more or less followed. My alarm startles me to consciousness. One or both of us mumbles an "I love you." I stumble to the bathroom, and emerge with better hair and some makeup. I hear him calling me from the bed. He says he is checking to make sure I'm still here. He does this daily. I drive to work and wade through the morning time. Lunch hours are too fast. The afternoons drip like the last of a syrup bottle, and then finally, I am home, and the day can actually begin.

Suddenly, I awake to the alarm and tiptoe past a room with foldout couches- I don't want to make too much noise. He gets up early this time. He fills sippy cups with juice, pours cereal into bowls. I sit on the edge of the room on the floor and watch. There are kids in the house. I don't remember what to do with kids. I don't remember what to say. I can't be anything they need.

I didn't sleep that first night. I stayed up, sitting in a recliner, curled up with my laptop. I considered this change, and wished I could cry for some release. Instead, I typed and thought. I went to work that morning to be greeted by a tech telling me I was late. I'm a secretary for a doctor, and I missed the doctor's meeting. I threw my purse down, ran the length of hallway with colored flags sticking out, and turned the corner to her office. When I got back to my desk, I decided that this day was already worthless and it was time for bed.

But when I got home for lunch, I found two slightly wilted flowers in a plastic cup. Chase and Ayden had picked them for me. So I sat a little closer in the room, and I talked a little more. By the end of the day, we had giggled, we had tickled, and we had Ring Around the Rosy-ed. On the drive home, Ayden pointed out shooting stars. Chase found one to wish on. He didn't tell me his wish, and I didn't tell him mine.

And somehow, after that, there was some sort of glue that sealed everything. They reached for my hand without me asking. They hugged me when I got home from work. They asked to cuddle with me before bed. Ayden's head tucked into me while they watched animated movies in their pajamas. Chase told me I should marry Daddy. And when Ayden's little knock on the bedroom door was for me, I knew it was going to be much harder than I thought to say goodbye.

They hugged me one more time and tromped down the stairs with Sky. The house was still. I could hear the clock ticking in the kitchen. I looked around at the floor strewn with toys. I looked at the messes in the kitchen. For a while, I debated on cleaning it up. And when I went out that morning to buy a dress to wear to a wedding, I heard a little kid's voice in the next aisle over. My first reaction was to turn the corner, wondering how they'd gotten away from me. It took me a second to realize I wasn't watching them.

One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite shows goes like this, "That's the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore." But maybe the opposite is true as well. Maybe when you get a need met, you realize that it was a need. I didn't go through my days with a list of reasons why I needed to reach down for a little hug. I wasn't aching to buy juice or find more pillows or carry someone around a store at the mall. To be one hundred million percent honest, Chase and Ayden were part of the package deal that Sky came with, but I had no idea if I could be what they need. And maybe I'm not. But they filled up places in me that were somehow empty. I want this now.

And the quick side note: through a series of broken secrets and whispers, Sky and I were able to talk about what we want someday. There isn't a road map drawn up with points to stop and start. I'm sure there will be detours, because that's how life is. It'll be beautiful to watch from the passenger side window.

When it comes down to it, that's the best part of life. Because I didn't plan to meet Sky in Flora when he came home on leave that week in March. I didn't know that I would instantly feel so much for him. I never would have guessed I'd spend months waiting for a boy from a weekend. I never thought I'd share a home with him and two children. And had anyone told me a tenth of this, I wouldn't have believed them. But, I suppose, I took the road less traveled by. It is why I am happy. It's why I long to buy a red wagon.

It has made all the difference.