September 5, 2011

Birthday Girl

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"As I grow older, I regret to say that a detestable habit of thinking seems to be getting a hold of me."

So, here's the thing.

My birthday is coming up. And I'm kind of dreading it. Actually, I'm a bit terrified.

Not for the typical reason of turning another year older. I'll be 27. While it sounds old in my head, I realize people usually have many years ahead of 27. It's still in my 20s, so I can still count it as young...right?

Last year, I had what can easily and honestly be labeled as the worst birthday I've ever had. The circumstances of the day were unimaginably stressful. My heart ached. I had a nearly two month old baby to keep me company, but I spent the day in an otherwise quiet apartment. I did a lot of thinking, a lot of praying, and a ridiculous amount of crying. I even thought about the birthday I'm about to have, and wondered if it would be any better.

This year, things are still stressful, but in different ways. I've been trying to make my silly birthday wish list, just like all my birthdays and Christmases before. I have repeated to myself over and over that birthdays are more for kids than anything, and I need to learn to let go of my expectations a little bit...or a lot. The sentimental, selfish little girl inside of me just has a hard time swallowing those things.

Because I want it all made up to me, even though I know it's wrong to want that, and even though I know it's an impossible task. I want streamers and balloons and fireworks on Lake Michigan because I'd finally take the Chicago trip I've wanted for the last few years. I want 5 different birthday cakes, a new school outfit (because that's what you get when your birthday is in September) and bouquets of flowers decorating every surface. I want the whole day to shout, "You didn't deserve last year, so I'm giving you ten birthdays in one."

If you think I sound like a spoiled baby, you'd be right. It's not about the things, though. It's just about that delirious giddiness you feel when you first open your eyes in the morning, and realize that on this one, single day of the year, you are important. You are hopeful. Cards are stuffed into a mailbox with your name on them. People shower love on you, and anything negative can wait until the next day. This day belongs to you. On this day, if on no other, your heart is protected.

I guess that's what I really hope for on my birthday...a bubble-wrapped heart, and a day that I own.

13 kind comments from you:

Melissa said...

Seriously, and I have told you before you don't look soon to be 27! and thats still young! You have 3 more years of the 20's and most people say that their 30's are the best years of their life! Could you please message me your address? I would love to send you a little something, because everyone deserves to feel special on their birthday!

And I think birthday's are more fun when you're a kid, I honestly can't remember my last birthday and it's not because I was intoxicated, seriously, I guess it wasn't too exciting cause I would remember it!

p.s(I would send a cake, but it might not get their in one piece!)

The New "Normal" said...

You so deserve the birthday of your dreams. I can't imagine what all you have been through but I hope this birthday is much happier than the last.
I know what you mean though, about wanting to open your eyes and have the day be all yours, or having all your wishes be granted. I feel that same way on Valentine's Day, birthday, anniversary, etc. That my mind will be read and it will be a celebration for me with flowers everywhere, but I've come to accept that isn't going to happen - it's not who my husband is. I guess that's why I try so hard to make those days extra-special for my kids because that's what I really want.
I hope that your birthday is happy and you are showered with love. Enjoy YOUR day and remember, you are important!
And yes, 27 is still young... :)

ines said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ines said...

First of all, you deserve the birthday of your dreams. Its your birthday. Your day!
Secondly, I WISH i was turning 27!

*hope all wishes come true* :)

Skinnie Piggie said...

I'm with Melissa... I'd love to send you a little gift, everyone deserves to open something on their special day! =)

Dolli-Mama said...

27 is right around the corner for me too. Jon turns 27 on Saturday. Where did the time go?

I hope you get everything you want, and when you don't, I hope it's still a happy day that fills your heart and makes you realize your one of the lucky ones.
Happy Birthday Friend!

Erinn said...

Firstly, everyone deserves to expect big things on their birthday. Whether big things means fireworks or a relaxing day with no worries, they should be attainable. Nothing about what you want sounds like you're being a spoiled brat or complaining to get sympathy. I expect certain things when my birthday falls on thanksgiving (I was actually born on thanksgiving and it comes back around every 4 or 5 years depending when leap year is) like I don't have to help with dinner.
Secondly, I too would like your address so I can send you something. I'm a terrible rememberer of birthdays but I've already decided to turn over a new leaf starting this month with my best friends birthday (on the 16th) and now hopefully yours :)

Brittney Liann said...

I can totally relate to this post! The last two birthdays I've had my husband has been deployed and they were the worst birthdays of my life. I'm hoping next year will be better, but who really knows. The navy has managed to ensure we don't spend any holidays together so I'm not holding my breath. But I hope your birthday is a happy one where you feel loved and important! And you do not look 27! :)

beka said...

awwww...a bubble-wrapped heart.
i know the feeling. in a sense.
we had sibling birthday parties, with all the aunts and uncles invited over for a pot-luck style dinner and homemade cake.
i never had my own birthday party. strange as it may sound. and, though i wanted/missed it as a kid, since i've never had one i don't know what exactly i'm missing; what i'd want.
but i do know the excitement of *this day* and mail..... :)

beka said...

p.s. i hope you have a *much* better birthday this year, love.

contradistinctive said...

YAY!!! make your birthday list public, we all want to know :D

Crystal said...

I'll be turning 27 in February and I spent this past birthday (my 26th) pregnant with the worst morning sickness imaginable. There was no champagne, no dancing, no one making a big deal about celebrating with me because I was the pregnant lady who suddenly was completely restricted where tradition birthday fun-ness is concerned. This year though, my hubby and I will be in Maui with our 5 month old daughter and I plan on having a lovely glass of champagne at breakfast and spending the day with my beautiful little family. Sometimes birthdays are about the little things. Enjoy your day with the people who hold you near to their hearts. Happy Almost Birthday!

Mrs. Wookie said...

I agree with once you past 25, you're on a downhill for oblivion, dentures, and Poise pads. I'm 27 now, and I've never felt older. Oh wait, I will though...in exactly one month....when I turn 28. But I'm eerily optimistic about this year. For some reason, the even birthdays seem better than the odd ones (that's odd - pun intended!).

And should you have a moment, yes, send me your address too as I'd love to throw some affection into the mail from the shiny coast of California.

If not for you, for me. Because I know another year older is another year towards wrinkles and the realization that I didn't get to complete what I wanted out of life. :)

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