"There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm."
Sometimes, it hits me. The tension from the day rolls into a week or month, until I carry its weight in my muscles and feel its strain on my heart. Yesterday was that kind of day.
It's been a strange, out of kilter week here. I attended the funeral for my best friend's father. There is little worse than watching someone you care about in tears and knowing you can't fix it. Other people around me have been stressed or upset or angry. Millie has had a rough week- probably cutting another tooth. I don't know the reasoning behind all of what I had pent up, but I know that it was just there- sitting on my lungs, giving me that horrible fight-or-flight feeling; but there was no one to fight and nowhere to go.
I found myself standing in the shower, the stream rolling in curls from me and the water drenching my hair and getting caught in my lashes, and instead of being soothed and calmed, I felt like I couldn't breathe. My heart beat fast. I felt the adrenaline coursing through me and I hated it. I had to look in the mirror to steady myself, to remind myself everything was okay.
So I did something completely out of the ordinary. I grabbed the bottle of wine that had sat in the bottom of my fridge for the past two years, waiting for a special occasion that apparently had never arrived. I found a corkscrew, then poured it into the glass. And instead of multi-tasking with writing/blogging, Facebook, Twitter, TV, eating, and everything else I do at night, I just stopped.
I sat with my glass in hand, and watched a show- a girly show about weddings. I did nothing else but sip and ooh and ahh at dresses. And it felt so good. And tonight, I'm going to do the very same, only adding a DIY pedicure in the mix. I tell myself I stay at home with Millie and therefore I don't really need a day off, but the truth is, I do. Desperately. And it isn't even good for anyone if I don't take it. It definitely isn't good for my heart.
Sky remarked that I hadn't written a 'real' post in a while. Maybe I avoided writing it the past few days, because there were no words. Because I didn't have the energy or the motivation to say what I really wanted to say.
But the words are here now: rest. breathe. slow.