Get Rhythm When You Get the Blues

A sunset during my time away


"Now begins to rise in me the familiar rhythm; words that have lain dormant 
now lift, now toss their crests, and fall and rise, and falls again." — Virginia Woolf 

If this were third grade, I'd be writing you a short story on blue lined and dotted paper about what I did on my summer vacation. But this record heatwave of summer isn't over, and I didn't exactly go on a vacation. I was fortunate enough to host a group of some of my most favorite bloggers, and you've been able to read their posts these past few weeks. Meanwhile, I just stopped. I didn't do anything mind blowing to clear my head, nor am I sure it's completely clear just yet. There was no solo retreat to a cabin in the woods, no massive, cathartic shopping spree, and no major self-realizations (although some minor ones).

But I wrote a couple poems. It had been a few years since the last time I wrote one. It felt so good.

I tried a new kind of cofffee. I don't even remember the name, but it was smooth and decadent.

Sky and I went over a major life choice, agreed on it, rehashed it, went back to the indecision we started from, and finally made a lot of almost-decisions- and I'm okay with that.

Millie learned new words and phrases every day. I love hearing her say, "It's funny!", "Ready? Okay! Here we go! Hold on tight!", and asking Daddy "Piggybank ride?" She announces we're on our way home now at the same bend in the road, right on cue. I heard her sing most of the words to "Jesus Loves Me", and it  warmed my heart more than I can say. I'm not the type of mom to write a potty training post, but we're in the midst of it/maybe towards the end of it, and she's just about got it at not even 2 years old, which makes for one happy mama.

I learned things about myself, like finally realizing I seem to get depressed on every holiday (and my birthday) like clockwork and I'm not really sure why. That it's okay if I don't agree with someone's political/religious/etc. posts on Facebook, but when they consistently attack my values/morals, it's probably best to click 'unfriend'- and that protecting my heart is better than a bad relationship anyway. (Also- definitely time to keep Facebook surfing to a minimum.) And I learned just how human I am , and how much my actions can affect others both in negative and positive ways (that post to come).

A tooth that's been hurting began to hurt even more. I'm going in for a root canal tomorrow. (Feel free to pray!) Most people dread them- I'm not only thankful that the pain will go away (I hope!), but grateful that this particular dentist has ways to make the cost a bit lower, and that my mom is helping with the payments. At over $1,000, usually the only option for someone like me is getting teeth pulled, and I'm so glad I don't have to do that.

As you probably all knew, I was ready to sign up for summer college classes, then told I missed the deadline by a half hour. I was crushed. After all the energy and angst I've thrown into it over the course of my life (it's been 10 years since I took my first college class), I decided to officially give up on school. I called my mom in hot, angry tears, and she decided to talk to someone (yes, on behalf her 27 year old daughter), and though summer classes still weren't an option, fall classes are. I'm signed up for 13 hours this coming semester, thanks to the Pell Grant and my mama's perseverance when my own failed. It's the first time I've ever gone full time to school in my life. I'm both embarrassed by that and incredibly proud that I'm finally going. I've already told everyone that if all I end up getting is an associate degree, I still plan on renting that cap and gown and walking proudly across that tiny college's stage, because it will be monumental to me. And in case you're dying of curiosity, my classes are English 102 (easy), Biology (hard), Intro to Cultural Anthropology (not sure what to expect- I keep picturing anthropology class from Community) and Intro to Advertising (Mad Men). It's an associate of liberal arts I'm aiming for; journalism has always been goal numero uno, but psychology and advertising are right after it, interest-wise- psychology because it's fascinating to me, and advertising because it's the perfect mix of journalism and psychology, really.

As for military news, Sky still practices for his upcoming PT test that will determine whether he stays in the Reserves or not (as well as the chance to pay off the Army debt). We also signed up for another Strong Bonds weekend (since the one last year was less than stellar), which means he'll also need to pass the PT test if we're going to be able to go. The conference is held in Seattle, and that's a big deal for us- we've never been on a plane or went on any sort of honeymoon, let alone out of state together (unless you count St. Louis a couple hours away), so it's not only a chance to reconnect and make up for last year, but a quite possibly once-in-a-lifetime vacation. My mom lives in Oregon, and plans to drive up to see us when we have free time. I haven't seen her for a year and a half, and Sky's only met her once, so that opportunity is wonderful, too.

It's hard being married to someone who gets depressed. I would imagine so anyway- Sky could tell you firsthand. During a particularly rough night, I told him, "I feel this way now. I know I'll get over it, but I also know I will feel it again. You need to understand that I don't enjoy it any more than you do. I hate it and I don't choose it."

And somehow, he did understand a little, I think. I'll never in my life forget the night he curled up next to me in bed, the ceiling fan circling above us, trying to calm my tears. He assured me that Millie loves me with or without a college degree, that I can write, and that he didn't marry me for a profession I might have but for me. I needed to hear it, and know I'll probably need to hear it again. Am I happier and back to feeling fine? I don't know, which probably means I'm not. Time always gets me there eventually, though.

This is the disjointed catch up post to what's been happening in my absence. Now, it's back to real blogging, which is a love near and dear to my heart. Johnny Cash advised to "get rhythm when you get the blues." And maybe I'll never find my rhythm with depression and all its ins and outs, ups and downs, and spirals. Maybe I won't find it with school, and it'll take me another ten years before I graduate. Maybe a lot of things will be off beat.

But all I can hope is to find a little music in the back and forths of life, the sways towards happiness or sadness, and people who dance along with me. That would be enough.